Should I dump my boyfriend because he won't stop eating crisps?

[Spicyseniorita7]

I'm in a relatively new relationship (7 months) after over 2 years of being single with some dating disasters along the way. Everything seems great on paper, he is kind, has a good job that pays well, not bad looking, treats me well and never allows me to pay for anything. For context, I am 28F and he is 32M- we both live separately at present. I would like to settle down soon.

I'm unsure if I am self-sabotaging, but some of his eating/snacking habits disgust me, to the point that I think I've developed the ick. This came to light properly on our recent 2 week holiday-prior to this, the longest we had spent together was about 3 days. He eats at least 3 packets of crisps per day and not the sophisticated type i.e kettle chips, think more Skips/monster munch/Nik naks/cheesy wotsits/space raiders. He doesn't wash his hands after eating the crisps and requires prompting to do so. This often results in him having disgusting synthetic crisp dust all over his fingers and fingernails.

Even more disgustingly, after he's finished with a packet, he arches back his head and empties the remnants of the crisp crumbs into his mouth. It's almost as though he cannot bear for a single scrap to be wasted. But the most disgusting is sometimes, after finishing a packet, he will blow up the packet like a balloon and pop it. This has resulted in me being sprayed with crumbs. I've also found scrunched up crisp packets wedged behind his bed, almost as though he can't be bothered to walk to the bin.

We recently went on holiday to Spain and it was mortifying-he didn't try any local food and just wanted to eat British food, McDonald's and crisps. We went to the supermarket and he loaded up the trolley with crisps. I haven't said anything yet, he is keen to start looking for a flat to rent together, but I just can't help but thinking I would prefer a man who doesn't eat over 3 packets of crisps a day and doesn't smell like pickled onion Monster Munch or cheesy wotsits. Is eating all of those crisps a dumpable offence?

I wasn’t responding to the OP. I’m responding to the judgmental comments made by other posters.

It’s absolutely fine to say you aren’t compatible with someone who has a restricted diet but the insults and judgement are unnecessary.

This feels more about personal values than crisps, it's not abnormal to eat crisps, of any kind, so if this is something you could see yourself working out that might be something you have to compromise on, however, it sounds like his hygiene could use some work, so that's a compromise he would have to work on.

But overall, it really sounds like you want this man to be something he's not, and you're about done trying so you're looking for a reason, you don't need a reason, the reason is your feelings have changed and your values don't align, it doesn't need to be a big messy breakup.

Break up with him. He sounds like a nice guy so he deserves better than a girlfriend who after seven months describes him as “not bad looking” and lists the fact that he pays for everything as a positive personality trait. Maybe if you paid for something once in a while he’d have more disposable income available to buy snacks that better fit your snobbish criteria.

I agree with this completely!

With all the tradwife shtick I’m surprised you’re not giving him the ick 😂 What’s a couple of bags of crisps when he’s bankrolling your lifestyle?

Because if you eat out with them it's a tedious trail past lots of lovely looking restaurants that they will refuse for spurious reasons and you end up with them wanting to eat McDonald's that you could have any day of the week if you actually wanted to eat that sort of food.

What's ARFID?
No, not at all - if it's a disorder then that's different.
My issue is with those people referring to it as "foreign muck" due to racism.

Not always.
I still go to lovely restaurants and have no issue with my DH, DS and anyone else in the party wanting to eat local food. In fact I actively encourage my DS to try local cuisine. If the restaurant doesn’t have food I like then I’ll just have drink or a side dish. If I’m hungry then I’ll sort myself out later on without having an impact on anyone else’s enjoyment of local food.
Not everyone behaves the way you describe.

The only people using the term foreign muck have been those making assumptions about people who aren’t interested in eating local cuisine when on holiday.

ARFID is an eating disorder, it’s basically a phobia of food. I have a list of safe foods and trying something not on that list causes me to gag, vomit and panic. I’m also a supertaster (those with ARFID often are) so I struggle with strong flavours and I can tell if something had been added to my food or if a different type of oil has been used. I go to great lengths to hide the fact I have this disorder so most people just think I’m fussy.

The fact I have zero desire to try local food doesn’t mean I’m purposefully avoiding it because I’m racist, uncultured or uneducated. I love travelling and do so multiple times a year for work. Just because I didn’t eat local food in Japan/thailand/china/korea doesn’t mean it wasn’t still
an amazing cultural experience.

I can't imagine basing my judgement of compatibility with another person based on their eating habits.

I don't mind what my friends eat. If a friend never wanted to eat anything but a narrow range of foods I'd just socialise with them in non-food situations, or I'd suck it up and eat at the one restaurant they deemed acceptable I expect.

But I wouldn't want a long-term relationship with someone who couldn't eat anything in restaurants that served decent food or had to eat separate meals from me at home every night, or who couldn't go to dinner at other people's houses without fretting about being served something adventurous, or who sat there picking through their meal looking for tiny pieces of mushroom because they didn't like it or something, or who rejected meals because they had something in them they'd never tried before and sat there eating nothing while I ate, or who had to go to McDonald's every night when we were overseas because they wouldn't eat anything else.

It's not their food that drives me mad, it's the impact that it would have on our holidays, social life and the time we spend together as a couple. That's just my preference. Cooking, eating out and trying new foods is a huge pleasure and a shared interest I have with my partner, and I wouldn't want a long-term relationship where we didn't have that.

I appreciate that some people have ARFID - a close relative of mine has it, in fact - and of course that's not their fault and I don't judge them for it. And obviously it doesn't mean they're racist or uneducated or in any way ignorant; I would never make that assumption about someone based on their eating habits alone.

But I wouldn't pick someone with ARFID, or any other eating disorder, or indeed someone who was merely a fussy/picky/unadventurous eater, as a life partner. We all have things we can or can't deal with in a relationship and that's one of mine.

I also wouldn't want a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy travelling, someone who didn't like animals/wildlife, someone who didn't like football, someone who had no interest or curiosity about current affairs or someone who wasn't interested in any form of the arts. I have plenty of friends who don't share those interests with me but I'd be pretty miserable if I couldn't share those things with my partner.

OK - don't do that, then. But it doesn't mean it's not important to other people, or that there's anything wrong with it being important. Sharing meals and gathering to eat has a huge cultural significance to pretty much culture the world over, and it means more than just food and eating habits, so it's it's not surprising that it's important for some people to be able to share that.

Like i said in my first post, I wouldn't care how many crisps someone ate, but I would care if they couldn't/wouldn't go to a restaurant with me on holiday because they refused to try any local food.

I'm sorry you have this disorder...that must be really tough and frustrating.
It's not something I've heard of so thank you for sharing - I appreciate it and I'm sorry if I offended you (inadvertedly).
I was only every referring to people like the chap I used to work wtih who would always go on about not eating 'foreign muck' on holiday which upset me as my parents are Eastern European so I grew up eating "foreign" food (which was delicious!). A few weeks back I was in the 'foreign' ailse in Tesco and overheard a 3 (ish) year old telling her dad she'd like to buy such and such and her dad actually said, "no, you don't want to be eating that foreign muck" !!!
I was so shocked...and sad for that poor girl having an arsehole for a dad!

I mentioned sensory issues around eating that are usually on the Afrid spectrum. My DS would rather starve than eat anything but his safe foods, it’s frustrating, sometimes embarrassing but it is what it is. The boyfriend is trying to sustain his daily calories on dry foods, he’s probably starving.
My DS hates having Afrid. The psychological damage is immense. Reading this thread helped me understand how he will get judged as an adult, he loves the smell of food but can only gag if he gets to close.
OP probably doesn’t understand Afrid.

I really appreciate your response. Thank you.

This thread has actually been relatively tame but on other threads relating to ‘fussy’ eaters people have made some really crazy assumptions about me!
It can be a difficult disorder to live with but if I’m honest the issue is mainly other people and their insistence that everyone should eat like them! My life would be a lot easier if people didn’t make a big deal
out of what I eat ( or don’t eat!) I don’t draw attention to it and it infuriates me when others do!

I love travelling and I’m really adventurous- so what if I order Uber eats to my hotel room or live off pizza and fruit for a few days 🤷‍♀️

I have zero issue with foreign food. In fact, I’m a really good cook ( another quirk of ARFID) and do most of the cooking at home. I cook a really wide range of food and I really enjoy it- I just don’t want to eat it!!

One assumption (which has been mentioned on this thread) is that children of fussy eaters will be the same. That’s not always the case. I’ve worked really hard to ensure that my DS eats a variety of food and one of my proudest achievements is that he’s one of the most adventurous eaters I know.

Not wanting to eat unfamiliar foods isn’t arsehole behaviour.

I am ND and don’t find it remotely embarrassing that my list of foods is limited. If people want to judge me for it, then it shows (ironically) that they are narrow minded.

For me it's the social aspect that matters, not what is on the plates.

100% agree! I love socialising and I’m happy to do that in restaurants. The value of my company shouldn’t be based on what I’m eating. If I only eat bread or chips that’s not going to change the quality of my company!

That’s fine.

But if someone literally cannot find a single thing to eat in most restaurants, or can only eat in a tiny range of places, or is uncomfortable and hungry all night because they’re too anxious about food and they get zero pleasure from it, then that really limits the social aspect for me. It’s not that enjoyable for the person who isn’t eating or is stressed by eating, and neither is it enjoyable for me to only be able to go to a very specific type of restaurant or to watch someone be anxious and stressed or disgusted by the food that’s on offer. That’s just me. I’m not saying anyone else has to feel the same way.

In my experience I only get anxious if the person/people I’m socialising with make a big deal out of what I’m eating. I find those people insufferable. You eat your food and don’t harass me about mine.
I’ll happily eat in a restaurant of your choice any day of the week and do it with a smile on my face as long as you don’t make a fuss about what I’m eating.

So I guess it works both ways. I wouldn’t be with someone who placed more importance on what was on my plate than my actual personality.

Totally fine for you to order UberEats or pizza to your hotel room on holiday. That’s what my relative with ARFID does, I think. She will also just have a bowl of chips or whatever while other people are eating (but obviously that means making sure it’s the kind of restaurant that has chips rather than, eg, a sushi place or Thai or something). It definitely doesn’t make you narrow-minded or uneducated!

However, it presumably does mean not being able to go out for a stroll and look for a nice restaurant and enjoy trying food and having a leisurely evening there watching the world go by with your partner and sharing that experience. Obviously lots of people wouldn’t mind that at all - my relative’s partner likes food but he’s happy enough to share UberEats in a hotel room with her and it doesn’t affect his enjoyment of a holiday.

But it definitely would affect some people’s enjoyment of their holiday - it’s just about compatibility really. I wouldn’t really be compatible long-term with a romantic partner who had food-related phobias, much like I wouldn’t be compatible long-term with someone who had a phobia of travelling.

Your point about it affecting children is an interesting one - I think it’s probably a lot to do with what your kids actually see you doing and saying around food rather than what you eat. You’re clearly very thoughtful and aware of how your kids see you act with food and how you feed them, which is brilliant because I’m sure that must be hard at times.

I’ve never harassed anyone about what they’re eating or not eating. I’m glad you don’t get anxious. Some people do, though. Not everyone handles their food issues in the same way.

When I eat with my relative who has ARFID, we generally go to one of the few types of places where she can find something she genuinely likes or have some choice, rather than somewhere where I awkwardly eat a three course dinner while she eats a small bowl of something she’s just enduring rather than enjoying.

Like you, she doesn’t make a big deal out of it at all, but it is still nicer and more relaxed (for both of us, I think) if we can both sit and share the experience a bit more.

That means I’ve eaten waffles and ice cream in the same local cafe with her many times, which I’m happy to do. Which is fine with a friend or relative but wouldn’t work for me with a life partner.

This one might not be the one for you

If my DH abd DS want to eat at a place that doesn’t do chips or bread then I’d just not eat. I’d never stop them eating somewhere they’d really enjoy because of my issues. I’ve made it very clear that they don’t need to factor my food preferences into decisions around restaurants. They do obviously because they’re kind but we make sure there’s a balance so they aren’t missing out. I’m just as good company with a drink, a plate of food makes no difference!

Why wouldn’t we go out for a stroll, find a restaurant and watch the world go by? That’s exactly what we do. You’re assuming I sit in my hotel room every night ordering uber eats and never setting foot in restaurants. Our holidays look like anyone else’s, you wouldn’t even know I had an issue.

I mentioned Uber eats because that’s what I might do if I haven’t had chance to eat and that would happen at the end of the night not instead of a trip out to a restaurant. It’s also what I do if travelling alone which I do often - 3/4 times a year.

Nobody has said arfid is the same as fussy, but given clinical diagnosis of Arfid is a tiny percentage most of us have never met someone with it in real life
I have met people who:
-refuse to try things because they are narrow minded and not open to any unfamiliar experiences, including food.
-The type who want a holiday abroad to be an exact replica of home
-are performance fussy because they believe it makes them special
-hide behind narrow tastes to disguise eating disorders
-and yes, people who will not consider eating non-familiar ‘foreign’ food

I am entitled to find all of the ‘non arfid’ examples difficult and awkward to eat with. I am passionate about food, I love the whole experience of eating out, and it is a huge part of my my travel priorities

I wouldn’t want to date or holiday with them, in turn I’m sure they would find my restaurant stalking and excitement about eating something extraordinary really irritating too