AIBU to distance myself after my friend missed my mum's funeral?

[HeartonSleeve85]

AIBU to fall out with a friend after she didn't show up at my mum's funeral?

For context, my 'friend' is very selfish and although we enjoy a night out once a month, there's not much more to it. We don't have anything in common - she's in her late 40s, is single with no kids and still behaves very childlike herself. I'm a people pleaser who hates confrontation so I've carried on this friendship for 13 years always hoping it will kind of fade off to be honest.

I am devastated to have lost my mum a few weeks ago and I am genuinely going through the toughest period of my life. My 'friend' has met my mum on several occasions and said she would be at my mum's funeral (even though she'd hinted that the location was an inconvenience as she doesn't drive). There was the option of a bus which would take around 30-40 mins or she latterly said her mum was going to give her a lift.

I have another friend who underwent a huge operation earlier this year, partially losing her vision, and she still made it on the bus.

Anyway, the original 'friend' didn't turn up and never told me she wasn't coming. I got an excuse that evening that she had a sore wrist (she broke her wrist a few weeks ago). I'm not sure how that stops someone sitting at a funeral but there we have it.

I'm supposed to be going to an event with her in a couple of weeks but to be honest, I can't face her and feel that this is my time to cut ties or at least indicate that I need space. Would I be unreasonable to be honest with her and tell her I need to be around more supportive people right now?

I am going through all the emotions and I am really not in the mood to entertain anyone's petty excuses after seeing how my mum suffered in hospital and feeling this broken hearted.

YANBU it doesn't sound as though she was much of a friend anyway.

I am very sorry about your mum.

So you usually see her once a month? She likely would have felt weird coming and was trying to let you down gently. I'm sorry for your loss but you need to find people closer to lean on for support.

I am sorry for your loss.

Given your existing feelings about your friend and her poor behaviour at this difficult time, I would take the opportunity to knock the friendship on the head.

Its times like this when you find out who your real friends are. I would fade her out.

So sorry for your loss @HeartonSleeve85

I think your gut instinct is right about this so called friend. A true friend would be there to support you. But bear in mind that you are naturally very sensitive right now. I’d let things settle until you feel less emotional and then decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not.💐

Maybe give it some time, ask for space while you are feeling fragile.

I’m not sure you can have it both ways, secretly want the friendship to fade out but also expect her to come to your mum’s funeral.

So very sorry about your mum.
You need time to get over your loss, then perhaps you will consider why you carry on seeing someone once a month at the same time as hoping the relationship goes away. She doesn't sound like someone you want or need in your life. Hope you have some good friends to support you.

I wouldn’t go to a funeral for someone I’m not close to’s mother. But I wouldn’t say I was going and not show up.
I went to a dear friend’s mother’s funeral last year even though I’d never met her - but I’m close to my friend.

Am so sorry for your loss.
I read a post on mumsnet earlier today about matching the energy and effort the other person puts in to the relationship/friendship. I would cancel the future event with her, but just keep it fairly casual and say you don’t really feel like it at the moment/have a lot on etc.

I don't have much close friends who I can turn to to be honest. Seeing a friend once a month is quite normal for me as I have two children and a full-time job so tend to see different people each weekend, whether that's meeting up with other families for play dates or going for a meal/drinks with a friend.
There are friends who I see less that did turn up to support me because that's the type of people they are.

Just one of my friends came to my parents’ funerals. There was no reason for any of the others to come. It’s a ridiculous reason to fall out with them.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother.
I’ve heard of many reasons for a friendship to fizzle out and this one simply resonates with me the most. It’s at times such as these you know who your true friends are.
My mum died 18 years ago and I still remember who was there for me at the time and who wasn’t.

I’m quite surpised tbh that so many people managed to get the time off work for this.

There are people who think they should only attend a funeral if they were close to the deceased. Others think going to a funeral is a way to support the bereaved. There is a geographic split in these views (Irish and Scots much more likely to go to a funeral even of people they hardly knew). However, if your friend said she would come and then didn't it seems she knew you wanted her support. If she was someone you really liked it would be worthwhile letting her know you are hurt but I would just let things fade,in this case.

I think it’s a shame to fall out - just keep her as someone fun to go out with once in a while. I wouldn’t expect to go to my friends parents funerals or vice versa. This might be your grief being projected onto her op. I’m sorry for your loss

Very many people work in roles with generous annual leave and little restriction on when to use it. I would have little trouble getting a day authorised to attend a funeral and one day is no significant impact on my year's allowance.

OP you are not at all unreasonable to feel sad and let down. It's really shabby behaviour on her part.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx
Also, I completely understand why you are hurt. She said she was coming, then didn’t. I wouldn’t put any further effort into her, she’s clearly a selfish person.

Reframe her as good company on a night out rather than a friend. Sorry about your mum.

Yes but there are also many others who cannot spare the annual leave and employers would not allow bereavement leave for this.

The thing is, she is signed off work at the moment due to her wrist. My other friends got away from work for a little while and one is self employed so can suit herself.

I have a great group of close friends but I didn’t want any of them at my parents’ funerals. I wouldn’t fall out with someone over this.

First of all, I am really sorry for your loss OP, losing a parent is one of the worst experiences in life, as far as I'm concerned.

With regard to this person, I won't call her a friend, as she clearly isn't if she let you down at a time like this after saying that she would be attending the funeral, I would cancel the upcoming get together, saying that having lost your Mum so recently you really don't feel up to socialising, and then if she contacts you again, tell her the same thing each time. It does take a VERY long time to get over losing a parent, and affects everyone in different ways, so you may find that you don't really feel like socialising for a while anyway, and then hopefully, after you rejecting any approaches from her for a while, she'll get the picture, and will fade out like you want her to.

In the meantime, look after yourself, and if needs be, please take advantage of bereavement counselling if you feel it might help.

Indeed. But not so many on either side that it's at all surprising plenty of people are able to make it. It was just a pointless comment made by that PP.

This. You need a friend who cares enough about you to make the effort. 2 months ago I drove over 200 miles to attend the funeral of my best childhood friends Mum. She was a lovely lady and I wanted to be there for my friend. I know she would do the same for me if I lost someone very close to me.

You are grieving so are understandably upset with their behaviour but some people find funerals awkward.

Did they check-in with you and offer support before?

They should have sent a message to let you know before. With the context you have posted I would probably distance myself as I would feel let down.