AIBU to distance myself after my friend missed my mum's funeral?

[HeartonSleeve85]

AIBU to fall out with a friend after she didn't show up at my mum's funeral?

For context, my 'friend' is very selfish and although we enjoy a night out once a month, there's not much more to it. We don't have anything in common - she's in her late 40s, is single with no kids and still behaves very childlike herself. I'm a people pleaser who hates confrontation so I've carried on this friendship for 13 years always hoping it will kind of fade off to be honest.

I am devastated to have lost my mum a few weeks ago and I am genuinely going through the toughest period of my life. My 'friend' has met my mum on several occasions and said she would be at my mum's funeral (even though she'd hinted that the location was an inconvenience as she doesn't drive). There was the option of a bus which would take around 30-40 mins or she latterly said her mum was going to give her a lift.

I have another friend who underwent a huge operation earlier this year, partially losing her vision, and she still made it on the bus.

Anyway, the original 'friend' didn't turn up and never told me she wasn't coming. I got an excuse that evening that she had a sore wrist (she broke her wrist a few weeks ago). I'm not sure how that stops someone sitting at a funeral but there we have it.

I'm supposed to be going to an event with her in a couple of weeks but to be honest, I can't face her and feel that this is my time to cut ties or at least indicate that I need space. Would I be unreasonable to be honest with her and tell her I need to be around more supportive people right now?

I am going through all the emotions and I am really not in the mood to entertain anyone's petty excuses after seeing how my mum suffered in hospital and feeling this broken hearted.

I think that’s the key issue - she said she would be there.
Perfectly fine imo to say I can’t make it, hope it all goes well and then after the funeral follow up with a call/text to check how the bereaved person is.

This is a really excellent post.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum OP.

I think you have high expectations of someone who you think is selfish, childlike and hoped the friendship would fade. Perhaps this is your sign to stop people pleasing and cut her off.

You have a right to be disappointed but from what you’ve said it isn’t a shock xx

Are you from a different culture by any chance? I only ask because my husband is and it’s normal for him to go to friends parents funerals, whereas I’m always confused by that - to me funerals are intimate and only for the closest people who knew the person well.

I’d probably go to my very oldest friend’s mums funeral if she wanted me to as I grew up with them but I wouldn’t even think to go to any others. I’d obviously send friends flowers/cards, but if I were to go to funerals just to support people then it would feel never ending.

I wouldn’t bother with honesty. I’d just cancel the event and then ghost her.

Well you want the friendship to fade away, you view her as childish and don’t really seem to like her (not sure what her reproductive and relationship status have to do with anything but anyway) so it sounds like she is probably matching your energy already. you don’t even believe that her damaged wrist is even a good reason for missing out on a lengthy bus journey that would have been uncomfortable for her. Let it go.

No I'm not from a different culture.

Reproductive and relationship status was mentioned because I believe this contributes to her not having to think about anyone else.

I'm so very sorry you lost your mum and that you had to see her suffer in hospital. I lost my dad a little while ago and there's nothing like losing a parent. I hope you're OK.

I would suggest you don't actually say anything to her. At least right now. You have enough going on and you are grieving. You don't need the extra emotion and headspace that sending a response will give.
She's either going to take it badly - which you don't need
She's going to ignore you - which will leave you wondering what she's thinking and constantly on edge thinking every ping from your phone is is her
Or she will be nice - which mayale you feel guilty, which you don't need.
Just leave it for now and concentrate on you. You don't owe her a a parting explanation.

I think there are different types of 'friends' in life and the relationship dynamic can be quite different. There are friends where the whole focus is fun nights out, friends who are your support network, friends from work where things would fizzle out if you changed jobs and didn't see them daily etc.
I have two friends who would be at my parent's funeral. The majority wouldn't be because we don't have that kind of friendship. I wouldn't call on them for the serious stuff.

It sounds like you and this friend aren't close ( you've hoped for years it would fade out ). So I think her being at the funeral wouldn't have comforted you anyway. Sorry to hear about your mum.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm not sure why people still feel the need to attack someone at their lowest point but I realise that the full picture isn't on here and I have gone with my gut. If my mum was still here, it's what she would have advised me to do.

I'm British and I'd go if I'd met the parent. I may slip quietly away before the reception and only pay my respects at the service, but I'd go.
I went to a childhood friend's mum's funeral even though I hadn't seen her in nearly thirty years. Just because she was so kind to me as a child and I hadn't forgotten about it.

This.

OK fair enough, you felt you needed support. We’re all different. I pointedly asked my friends to not come to my mum’s funeral. Some of the ones that asked me if they could did not even know her beyond the odd chat at primary school pick ups and sports days and plays.

I didn’t need support and luckily for me, my mums funeral was not an extremely low point. Having said that, if I’d asked any one of my close friends to be there to support me, they’d have dropped everything.

I'm British and have been to the funerals of my friends' parents. I'm going to one in a couple of weeks time. The OP doesn't seem to have much of a relationship with this person though so I wouldn't have expected her to go.

Ahh so it’s another one of those tiresome childless people are so selfish posts then. Frankly she’s better off without you.
And yes, I do have kids.

Oh that's a lovely thing for say to someone who is grieving and clearly upset. Nice one.

Do you enjoy being nasty to someone in the depths of grief on the internet? Troll.
Count yourself lucky that you've clearly never went through this or you have a heart of stone.

Thank you. People never surprise me on these forums, it's sickening.

I agree

There's more nice people than shitty people in the world, I promise xxx

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum and I hope your happy memories bring some comfort.
It doesn't matter how infrequently you see your friend, a true friend would make an effort to support you at a very difficult time. Let the friendship fade away, you can make much nicer friends.

@HeartonSleeve85 You have the perfect out. You are grieving and devastated and therefore not up for meeting her at the moment. You will contact her when you are ready. Which is never x

So sorry for your loss. My advice would be to let the friendship go.
I had a friend who i had known all my life, our mums were friends too. My daughter died when she was 18 and my 'friend' didn't come to her funeral as she would, in her words 'have been no use to me as she would have been too upset' I tried to get past that and continued the friendship but everytime we met up afterwards she never even once asked how I was and talked constantly about her kids. I really couldn't get past this level of selfishness so i let the friendship die. As previous posters have said, it is so true that at times like that you find out who your true friends are.

Oh @Lathemistress
I am sorry for the deep loss you have had, losing your daughter.
That “friend” was no loss whatsoever.
What sort of woman does that ?
I just can’t understand people.