AIBU to distance myself after my friend missed my mum's funeral?

[HeartonSleeve85]

AIBU to fall out with a friend after she didn't show up at my mum's funeral?

For context, my 'friend' is very selfish and although we enjoy a night out once a month, there's not much more to it. We don't have anything in common - she's in her late 40s, is single with no kids and still behaves very childlike herself. I'm a people pleaser who hates confrontation so I've carried on this friendship for 13 years always hoping it will kind of fade off to be honest.

I am devastated to have lost my mum a few weeks ago and I am genuinely going through the toughest period of my life. My 'friend' has met my mum on several occasions and said she would be at my mum's funeral (even though she'd hinted that the location was an inconvenience as she doesn't drive). There was the option of a bus which would take around 30-40 mins or she latterly said her mum was going to give her a lift.

I have another friend who underwent a huge operation earlier this year, partially losing her vision, and she still made it on the bus.

Anyway, the original 'friend' didn't turn up and never told me she wasn't coming. I got an excuse that evening that she had a sore wrist (she broke her wrist a few weeks ago). I'm not sure how that stops someone sitting at a funeral but there we have it.

I'm supposed to be going to an event with her in a couple of weeks but to be honest, I can't face her and feel that this is my time to cut ties or at least indicate that I need space. Would I be unreasonable to be honest with her and tell her I need to be around more supportive people right now?

I am going through all the emotions and I am really not in the mood to entertain anyone's petty excuses after seeing how my mum suffered in hospital and feeling this broken hearted.

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it was wrong of your friend to say she would attend and then not show up.

Having said that, I haven't attended the funerals of my friends' parents. I attended the funeral of a friend's son, but that was different I think.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to drop out of a forthcoming event if you feel it's too soon after your bereavement and as long as you tell her with plenty of notice and cover any costs, then she ought to be fine about it. Most people would be.

Whether not attending your mum's funeral is a reason to drop her is a different matter. Just give yourself space to grieve and see how you feel later. It's understandable to want supportive friends around you right now, but it doesn't necessarily follow that you can't have less supportive friends in your life.

I spent many a happy weekend away with a particular friend going to gigs and events, but I wouldn't have turned to her in a crisis. Friends come in all flavours.

This has happened to me, someone that I considered a close friend didn’t show up for my Mum’s funeral. I couldn’t get past it and have since backed off. As a result, the friendship is fading away. I don’t even mind that much tbh. I have other friends that were there for me when I needed them.

I’m really sorry for your loss, but I wouldn’t really expect a friend who I only saw once a month to come to my mum’s funeral.

I lost my own mum a couple of years ago and the only friends of mine that came were ones I was very close to who’d also known my mum pretty well through me.

If you don’t like her much anyway, that’s a different thing and you’re within your rights to fade the friendship for any reason.

No, it is entirely reasonable to feel that way. I would just cancel this evening coming up without giving a reason beyond not feeling like it given the loss of your mum. Essentially this gives you carte blanche to cancel for as long as you like. If you feel like seeing her again in a few months you can. No need to address the issue head on, it’s unlikely you’d gain anything from it.

I would distance myself from her and stop doing 1-1 meet ups just be busy. but I wouldn’t do a confrontation or big falling out, if you have mutual friends. The slow fade is better.
sorry about your mum.
30-40 mins on the bus is nothing that’s a two mile journey in London traffic!

Did your friend know how much it meant to you for her to be there and support you? It’s only as I wouldn’t expect any of my friends to attend a parents funeral unless they’d known them well. I’d be supported by other family and I imagine not really want to talk or be around anyone - I’d want my friends support in the days and weeks afterwards more than at a funeral.

If a friend asked me to be there though, then I would. Saying she would attend and then not, is really poor behavior.

Ultimately you can decided to fade out a friendship for any reason when it no longer gives you what you need from it.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I buried my husband 4 days ago and I can honestly say I didn’t hold it against anyone who couldn’t make it.

I paid a tiny bit extra to have it live-streamed.

But you don’t sound particularly enamoured with this ‘friend’ anyway.

Sorry OP, but why would you have wanted her to attend, given that you think she is selfish, you have nothing in common, there's "not much in it [the friendship], and you have been hoping she will go away for 13 years. I would have thought you'd be annoyed if she did attend.

I think it's a little disingenuous to use this an excuse, and also unnecessary because you don't need an excuse to stop seeing a friend if you don't want. If she asks to see you, just say no thanks, I'm busy.

I think your friendship sounds fairly superficial and your friend likely thought her presence would not be important to you. Not everybody can manage a funeral, my mum (who is otherwise lovely) really struggles and has vowed she will only attend those closest to her moving forward.

Anger is a stage of grief and I imagine this is what is fueling your fire right now. You don’t need an excuse to end a superficial friendship, but I’d just go low contact for a while and see how you feel.

I suppose her not attending just confirmed what I know already. It didn't seem right to end a friendship up to now because she's a bit childish and selfish but this is the icing on the cake for me really. She must think I am stupid to believe that the reason she wasn't there was because she had a sore wrist.

I'm not sure why people are asking you why you are hurt she didn't attend. She told you, she would be there and she wasn't, that would hurt most people. You are in a vulnerable place after losing your mother, you dont need to deal with thid right now. I would focus on grieving and taking care of yourself. You will be in a better headspace when she pops up again and you can decide then what to do. For what its worth, she doesn't sound like a good friend so distancing yourself is fine in my eyes but you dont need to have a fall out with her

Sorry for your loss but why did you want her there in the first place? You don’t like her! You don’t have to like everyone let alone have them at your mums funeral!

Thank you. I feel very fragile just now and need to distance myself from anyone who doesn't get it.

Tell her that you can't go because you have a sore wrist.

But the ‘friend’ in this case is nothing like your close friend. The OP told us that “we enjoy a night out once a month, there's not much more to it. We don't have anything in common.”

OP I would distance myself. You don’t have to go into it with her at this stage, just say you’re not feeling up to it and leave it at that. Then think about whether you actually want to tell her why you’re hurt or just phase the friendship out. It doesn’t matter what people on here say, you wanted her there for support and it’s hurt your feelings.

I have distanced myself from a friend since losing a close family member because she told me she would find the funeral too upsetting (!) I didn’t tell any of my friends this at the time as I had bigger fish to fry but I did recently confide in a close friend in the group and she confirmed what I thought- said friend had been messaging the group saying how she couldn’t deal with stuff like that and it would upset her. She hasn’t lost anyone close to her so it’s not a trigger, she’s just selfish and has no empathy. I haven’t fallen out with her as I can’t be arsed with the drama, I’m actually pleased I know where I stand now. I was lucky as these life events do show you who is there for you when it really matters and she is the only who let me down so I feel lucky in that respect as my other friends have been amazing and I am so grateful for that.

Focus on your friends who did show up to support you and who care about you. So sorry for your loss, take it easy on yourself at such a difficult time x

Take this time with your family to remember your mum. Spend it with those who matter the most and were actually there. Life is too short to waste tears on people who dont make an effort. You said you have children and meet different people for playdates ect....focus on those. Again I'm sorry about your mother. X

I suspect the OP has suddenly realised what the friendship actually boils down to and realised it’s not much more than a night out once a month, rather than a good friend of 13 years which you might expect. Grief gives you a very sharp perspective on everything and you cut all the BS and see things for what they really are.

Personally, anyone I’d been catching up with once a month for 13 years is someone whose mother’s funeral I would attend.

I would be very hurt by this too. Even if you were already feeling she was a bit selfish, you can still hope that people surprise you when it counts and feel sad when they don’t.

I’d probably not cut her off but just focus on spending more of my precious spare time with the people who showed up for me.

even though she'd hinted that the location was an inconvenience as she doesn't drive). There was the option of a bus which would take around 30-40 mins
Sitting on a bus with pot holed bumpy roads with a broken bone(s) or any kind of pain is horrendous and suspension on a bus is none existent compared to a car. I wouldn't go to a funeral of a person I didn’t know either and would have assumed you had support from other family members and didn't need me around.

It sounds like you view her more as a drinking buddy than a friend and I'm not entirely sure why you would want a pub friend to come to something so intimate and emotional as a funeral. Give it a while before making a decision as grief can make us do things we wouldn't normally do, although I'm very surprised you've kept going out nearly every month for 13 years with someone you don't like. That's therapy territory.

Yes and the journey back
And the bus fare. What about the onward journey the other end too.
I think more likely to come if someone had picked her up and they'd gone together.
Where she fell down is that she said she'd come and then didn't. Best not to commit to things if your not sure.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I understand completely why you feel so let down by your so called friend.
Something similar happened to me when my mum died, a family member not a friend, but I was hurt, just as you are.
If you think you will miss the occasional meeting with her, stay friends.
If you think she isn't much of a loss, why bother?

I wouldn't expect to go to the funeral of a friend (I met as an adult)'s Mum as a general rule. I would send a card and I would keep in touch over the coming weeks, to check in on them.

That said, I wouldn't say I was going and then not go.

I suspect your grief is affecting your feelings at the moment.

As you say you don't have many close friends, then I wouldn't make any rash decisions about this friendship for a few months.

So I'd say doing anything rash like cutting her off or blocking her would be an unreasonable thing to do right now.

Would I be unreasonable to be honest with her and tell her I need to be around more supportive people right now?

Though you could say this if you (understandably) don't feel like going out with her to this event.

You aren't friends.
You fill a gap in her calendar when she needs it.

Ghost her about the event. Just block her now. If it's a ticket you've paid for write it off.
Don't have anything further to do with her.
Don't waste another day trying to be friends with someone who doesn't value you.
It's the same advice women are given here all the time when they have shit boyfriends/ partners/spouses.

Sorry about your mum. 💐

I had a so called "friend" who, when I told her my best friend had died, told me she hoped I wasn't going to lean on her about it as she doesn't do death. I was equally blunt and told her her free lifts from my dh, dinners, counselling for petty things were over and so was our friendship. I didn't realise how draining she was until I stood up for myself.
Sometimes we just grow out of people. Don't feel guilty and do tell her why. You'll feel better about it afterwards