AIBU to feel like I don’t fit in with ‘straight’ mums?

[ZiggyStardew]

I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’ve been trying to put myself out there by joining local pregnancy groups and booking antenatal classes because I don’t have any friends who are pregnant or parents.

The problem is I keep coming away feeling like I don’t really belong.

I don’t mean this as a criticism of anyone, and I know people are just excited about their babies, but most of them seem to revolve around very traditional ideas about gender and parenthood. Things like “show me your pink nurseries for your little girlies”, “does anyone have blue decorations for a boy baby shower?”, elaborate gender reveals, “boys are so much easier than girls”, or “your daughter will be fighting the boys off one day”.

None of those things are inherently wrong, but they just make me feel like I’m on a completely different wavelength. I’m bisexual and most of my friends are quite alternative, creative or queer, so I’m much more used to people who don’t think in those terms or make those kinds of assumptions. If I quip back with “or maybe my daughter will like girls when she’s older” I often get funny looks.

I’m starting to worry that I’m being judgmental because this seems to be the majority of people I’m meeting, and I don’t want to write people off unfairly. Equally, I also want to find friends I genuinely click with, especially as I’m about to become a parent.

AIBU for feeling a bit out of place? Or am I expecting too much from these groups and should just accept that pregnancy is one thing we have in common, rather than expecting shared values or outlooks? I just worry my baby won’t have any peers if I keep her away from all this.

I think this answer says it all really

You don’t necessarily meet “your people” in prenatal/ baby groups.

Its probably a bad ideal to write people off for not being exactly like you at this stage as any friends who go through the baby stages with you are welcome!

I'm straight but I still got annoyed by the things you describe. I didn't like the assumptions/stereotyping/the lazy generalizations. I still don't. It makes the world a less inclusive and interesting place, whether you are straight or not. I hope you find your tribe, because we are out there, straight or not.

In a pregnancy class though? How would that even come up? Judging future attractiveness based on scan pictures? 🤣 I think the OP’s own prejudices are clouding her experience here and that nobody is actually saying these things. Tbf she seems already aware that this is a possibility.

In pregnancy classes ? That would do my head in and I am not alternative creative or queer on any way.

Yeah that is strange! Your right

Those sort of comments would annoy me too and I'm pretty much straight, though the only place I come across them normally is the internet, and I like in an Oxfordshire village.

Have you got people you get on with locally already? If so, then it seems like maybe you just have got a bad draw with the baby groups! Later on you will find people who are parents and also are more like minded. Or maybe you will mainly just stick to your non-parent friends. Once your children are school-age they can pick their friends and they won't necessarily have to be the children of people you are best buddies with.

If you are new to the area and don't have a group of friends already and think this might be typical, then I'd consider moving!

I don't think this is really about heterosexual versus straight, it is about different views of the world. Plenty of straight people would not express these views!

Exactly. Replying with ‘maybe my daughter will like girls’ just seems like spoiling for a fight.

OP, I know what you mean. I can’t stand the idea of giving brand new humans a lane to live in based on gender expectations (fwiw, I have 2 teenage boys who are and have always been totally different in development and interests). The best advice I was given as a new mum was to join parent & child groups that have a specific focus - ie, baby yoga, etc, rather than a generic playgroup. You’re more likely to find your tribe there. And maybe seek out the pockets of your town / city that are known for being more alternative / quirky and find what’s on there. All the best to you!

It did have the advantage of being given my own room in our local NHS hospital for a longer stay post CS!

Safer for me and our baby.

Or am I expecting too much from these groups and should just accept that pregnancy is one thing we have in common, rather than expecting shared values or outlooks?
I think this your answer. It will likely carry on throughout the parenting years.

A lot of heterosexual people can't stand gender stereotypes and segregation, either! And it's not a new thing-the first of my close friends to have a baby made it clear she wasn't going to any sexist groups, and called out people who tried to have girls or boys only things, saying would they exclude her because she's Black? When they said of course not, she asked why they thought sexism is any better than racism-and her oldest kid's now pregnant and completely agrees with no stereotyping, so you definitely won't be the only mum to feel this way!

I went to some 'mother and baby' groups with my oldest son and got on fine.

It may be just luck of the draw

My wife, mother of my two youngest was never into them

My god- your friend sounds insufferable.

Don't be too quick to write them off OP. Having a baby can be a hell of a shock to the system, psychologically as well as physically, and you may well find you need the support of those other mums. Your child free friends just won't understand what you're going through.

The health visitor who ran my local ante natal group invited us all back to the clinic when our babies were 6 weeks old, and it was the best thing she could have done. Four of us turned up, and at the end we agreed to meet up once a month in each other's houses, just for company. I didn't think I'd had anything in common with the others, but those meetings became a lifeline for us all in that first year.

I'd be binning that mate ASAP

There should never be potholes at a barbecue.

Ahem.

It's lovely when mum friends become proper friends but I had much more success hanging out with existing friends and introducing my daughter to their DC. I didn't hit it off with the women in my NCT group at all really. I thought they were weird and it was very much mutual I suspect. DH lasted a bit longer with the dads!

It really depends where you live. We had a great NCT group in London in an area where there were lots of young creative couples. I didn’t meet a single person as you’ve described. I didn’t do NCT with my 2nd child when we moved to a small town, I knew by then I wouldn’t meet my kind of people there.

Your friend sounds more insufferable and ridiculous than the person asking to see everyone’s girly pink bedrooms.

I’ve never heard of sex segregation with baby groups but the Brownies and Girl Guides are single sex. That’s not the same as racist organisations.

Or not.

I sympathise OP. Maybe find some non-baby groups based on actual interests. I didn't fit into that kind of group either.

I’m straight and I don’t think pink is for girls or blue is for boys, nor do I like gender (sex, actually) reveal parties.

I suspect your issue is the demographic you’re living in.

YABU for thinking only lesbian and bi women reject stereotyping - most of us do. LGB people who think they’re some special group apart are beyond tedious.

Gently, I think that the trope that women at baby groups or the school gates are all so boring/normie is itself a sexist trope, embedded in the idea that being a 'mum' is incompatible with being a full and interesting person. "Mums" are a random cross-section of women, you don't have to get on with everyone, but equally thinking of them as a homogenous group of sad idiots scrolling gender reveal videos on tiktok does not make you a great feminist...

Your baby will be absolutely fine. They do not need to make any friends until they are a toddler at least, and it doesn’t need to be with babies from your ante-natal class. I would concentrate on the classes for what they are for, and work at maintaining actual friendships with non-parents.

Find another group - I would think that’s unusual.. I’m straight and nobody says anything like that to me, I’m in a middle class liberal cohort and most of us are explicit about challenging gender stereotypes, both my kids have a variety of toys and I’m careful with the books we have. Never been invited to a gender reveal and didn’t find out myself until babies arrived so there are a few of us out there. However, I do Have a few friends in same sex partnerships and I think they really do value other parents in same position as them too as there are challenges that I can empathise with but don’t experience myself eg navigating Father’s Day is tricky for some etc. so keep trying and find your group!!

OP I have also been quite shocked by what I can only describe as sort of conservatism among a lot of mums. To be fair I live in a smallish town where I've struggled to find much of an alternative 'tribe' anyway, so perhaps I'd be having a different experience if living elsewhere. But yes, traditional gender roles and expectations seem to be going quite strong among the people (mostly in their twenties and thirties) who I've met through nursery, kids' birthday parties, toddler classes etc.

I think part of it might be that these ways of looking at the world are just more popular, including among younger people, than I'd realised. I suppose I'd been in a bit of a bubble with my existing friends. I also guess that a lot of people end up becoming a bit more socially conservative or traditional when they have kids - not a universal truth or backed up by any data on my part but I wouldn't be surprised (personally I've gone the opposite way and motherhood has spurred me into getting more piercings and tattoos, which my dad reckons is my early midlife crisis but I see as becoming more myself!).

But all sorts of people become mums, and you're not alone as a bisexual mum or a bit of an alternative mum. I hope you find some more like-minded people. Maybe there will be an online group that helps you make those connections... or you could start one?