AIBU to feel like I don’t fit in with ‘straight’ mums?

[ZiggyStardew]

I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’ve been trying to put myself out there by joining local pregnancy groups and booking antenatal classes because I don’t have any friends who are pregnant or parents.

The problem is I keep coming away feeling like I don’t really belong.

I don’t mean this as a criticism of anyone, and I know people are just excited about their babies, but most of them seem to revolve around very traditional ideas about gender and parenthood. Things like “show me your pink nurseries for your little girlies”, “does anyone have blue decorations for a boy baby shower?”, elaborate gender reveals, “boys are so much easier than girls”, or “your daughter will be fighting the boys off one day”.

None of those things are inherently wrong, but they just make me feel like I’m on a completely different wavelength. I’m bisexual and most of my friends are quite alternative, creative or queer, so I’m much more used to people who don’t think in those terms or make those kinds of assumptions. If I quip back with “or maybe my daughter will like girls when she’s older” I often get funny looks.

I’m starting to worry that I’m being judgmental because this seems to be the majority of people I’m meeting, and I don’t want to write people off unfairly. Equally, I also want to find friends I genuinely click with, especially as I’m about to become a parent.

AIBU for feeling a bit out of place? Or am I expecting too much from these groups and should just accept that pregnancy is one thing we have in common, rather than expecting shared values or outlooks? I just worry my baby won’t have any peers if I keep her away from all this.

At pregnancy groups the only thing people have in common is that they are pregnant.

you might find people there who you click with and who are on the same wavelength but most won’t be simply because they’re just people who are pregnant at the same time as you.

however you may find once your baby comes and you are in the trenches with sleep etc that they are helpful and sympathetic even if you don’t all agree on everything.

You won't fit into every group. Most of us don't. You can either be accepting of them, like I'm sure you'd want them to be if you, or find another group / friend. I don't believe most parents follow gender stereotypes this closely and often people just say things and it's not that deep. Are you sure you don't have it in your head that you're different?

If you're not happy in their company, go find your tribe.

Look beyond it. It doesn’t matter at all that you don’t understand gender. Once you meet lots of small children,at play groups etc, you’ll see clearly that boys are different from girls, and you’ll be able to relax and not feel like a weirdo on the periphery.

It gets better, I was the only single mum at pregnancy groups 21 years ago and no one spoke to me! Was overtly looked down on, ended up at a baby group when child was six months and in the grip on PND forced by my amazing health visitor and made friends with a couple of mums who we still meet etc and go on holiday all these years later.

None of us did the pink/blue bedrooms etc, you will find friends eventually so don’t give up and try not to isolate yourself it’s hard being or feeling the outsider.

It does sound like you are being judgemental and are making assumptions as much as anyone else in the group, just different ones. Chill out and enjoy it in your own way like everyone else is.

People becoming parents often find it's a prompt to think about their own identities, including their views of gender politics. Women get pushed out of the workplace, experience far more of an identity loss than men, and are largely pushed into a lifetime of picking up the work of childcare and housework.

That's not excusing the silly gender-defined myths people go back to, but I do think it's a reaction to all the change maybe.

I think there are other parents who think like you. I imagine some of the parents focused on the "boys are easier than girls" rubbish will change their minds over time. I remember being a lone voice in a pta discussion able increasing books in the school library about families with two mums or two dads, ten years on (and faced with the complexity of teen relationships) most of the parents who once felt so strongly are far more relaxed about their dc being individuals.

So hang on in there!

I would say alot of those statements are inherently wrong and the beliefs behind them are harmful.

I did not enjoy baby groups and do not have any lasting school gate mom friends.
The only thing that is bringing you together with these other parents is the fact you, in general, all had sex resulting in pregnancy around the same time. That’s it.

Pregnancy and motherhood already take a lot of your identity and would caution you not to try and fit in with those who are not your people.

I realise I may sound a bit spiky but my children have always had social lives and I have been fine and friendly with other parents.
For me it has been more of a friends for a season thing with other parents.

The only commonality in pregnancy classes is pregnancy. I was the only immigrant in mine and didn't really click with the rest. Half of them were just head down, get on with it any way, and they didn't really want to be friends. It was still useful to have them around because a tiny baby is a shock to everyone, even if it's not your first! As the babies get bigger it gets easier to find people like you by choosing activities or just taking to people who dress similarly to you at the playground.

I don't believe in gender stereotypes either. But I am happy to be friends with people who do. I also have a friend that believes in star signs, a friend who has dabbled in being a Ba'hai, and friends who probably don't vote for the same political parties as me, etc.
So long as nobody continually rams their views at each other we all rub along fine. I choose friends because they are funny, or practical, or kind, or whatever.

I am quirky so don't belong in these mainstream groups. It happens

Ive not personally met anyone like that at bay or toddler groups. Maybe it's the area you live in? Maybe when baby is born you'll have more in common

Are you having a baby with a male partner? If so you realise they assume you’re straight too and you have no idea of their sexuality?

some people reinforce gender stereotypes and some people don’t. Just find people you have more in common with.

frankly saying things like “my daughter might like girls” is a bit try hard.

yours sincerely, a lesbian mother who had kids in a same sex relationship decades ago when it was very unusual. Oh, and I think “queer” is a homophobic slur.

The difficulty is that the people you meet when you are pregnant/have young children are just people who happen to be going through that life stage at the same time as you. There’s no guarantee you’ll have much in common aside from that. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen people make amazing friendships through mum groups but it’s a lottery really. Many of the friendships are situational and will wane as your children grow older and diverge. That’s not to say they aren’t important. It’s really useful to have other mum friends in the same stages as you, even if you otherwise don’t have much in common. It’s also good for your children to have peers to socialise with.

I met some great people who I enjoyed socialising with, but find most of those friendships haven’t lasted beyond baby/toddler years (the best 2 friends I made was actually with my second and we’re still close). When your kids go to school you tend to then meet a new group of mums and it’s the same deal.

Mine are teens now and I’ve actually found myself reconnecting with a lot of friends from before I had children. We kind of drifted when in the trenches of having young kids but now they’re older it makes it easier.

What do pink bedrooms have to do with the child’s sexual preference much later in life?
Lighten up op it’s not that deep. No one is forcing you to paint the nursery blue/pink.

I’m bisexual and most of my friends are quite alternative, creative or queer, so I’m much more used to people who don’t think in those terms or make those kinds of assumptions.

Well this group is not the right fit for you then, that's all.

If there are no groups with women who do fit, but you still want to make friends with pregnant women, you'll perhaps have to stop judging them for how they are?

I suppose it depends on how important making 'mum friends' is to you.

When I had DC it was a real wake up call to meet people my own age who had the life experience and attitudes of my parents, or even grandparents. It made us realise we had been living in a bubble of 'rootless cosmopolitans': I didn't know a single person who had never lived abroad, or wasn't a dual national, or similar, and my friendship network was basically a 'Where's Wally?' book. It was strange to meet people who had never moved from where they were born, and who's conversations revolved around family and houses and cars and TV, and who dressed like their parents.

I can now fake it though - I can even have a reasonable conversation about property prices or potholes at a barbecue.

Probably went to quite a few groups before I found my "tribe". Try a few out before dismissing them all. As other said, just because you're are pregnant together, does not mean you all suddenly have everything in common.

But also, people discussing babies sex is not unusual - it's the one thing you probably know about your child at that time. Pretty much everything else about that child is unknown, so it's natural to cling to the one fact you have.

And once baby is born, colours of nurseries becomes completely irrelevant to most people - then you move onto how they are feeding, sleeping, and the colour of their poo... The competitiveness can take on a whole new level!

I think when you are having a baby the only thing that you can really be sure of is whether it’s a boy or a girl, so people do focus on that. I’ve probably put that badly but they don’t have a personality yet, less so if they aren’t even born! I didn’t find out in my pregnancies but a lot of people do and while I probably wouldn’t admit this anywhere else, I do quite like a gender reveal: it’s just a bit of fun. They are a bit tacky and ostentatious though, or at least that’s how they are seen.

I tend to see things a bit differently to other posters on here and I think pregnancy and birth and babies are a great social leveller. I’m afraid I do see this a lot on here - there’s a lot of indignation about the oppressed and marginalised poor unless one of the oppressed and marginalised poor dares speak to a MNetter and then there’s lots of ‘oh well the only thing we have in common is being pregnant’ but actually that’s a pretty big thing. I’ve met a lot of people on the baby and toddler circuit and some are now friends and some are not but people don’t have to be lasting friends to have a nice chat and break the day up.

That said, I do know what you mean and don’t want to be difficult. But you will come across many different types of parent: the clean cut Joules mum; the Scandinavian wannabe mum who is striding around outside in winter, the home ed mum, the mum with the bright pink buggy, the #boymom who smiles weakly as her sons beat everyone up, the frazzled working mum and many will transcend a lot of the stereotypes. Don’t be too set on being alternative. Just be yourself and let others be the same; it’s enough.

Maybe this is the group for pregnancy and birth and then when you have the baby and take them to activities you can choose the ones right for you.

Like if you take them to forest school you meet more crunchy type people who think that's a good thing to do, or if you take them to an improv group for people who can bring their babies you may meet more arty people etc etc.

I know what you mean though.Half my NCT group were nice and modern in their gender outlook and we just all swapped dinosaur leggings between our boys and girls, and enjoyed all of them dressing up as Elsa together when they were 2.

The other half were all about gluing massive bows to the girls' heads. I remember watching one struggling a 7 week old baby boy into sort of stiff adult male style jeans and thinking ffs let him wear a babygro with little ducks on. I found the more conventional gender side of the group to be the ones I lost touch with and they also parented differently, e.g. some quite alarmingly strict Gina Ford ones, babies in prams never slings etc etc.

Really…? 🤔

Why did that horrible Little Britain ‘only gay in the village’ skit just pop into my head…?

I’m straight, I have a boy and a girl, and I don’t know anyone who subscribes to cliched gender roles.

Maybe you woke up in the 50s?

Don’t impose judgy narratives on people if you want friends. Don’t think you have some kind of bigger world view and stronger moral compass than others if you want friends. And if you’re quipping about your child’s possible sexuality before they’re even born you’re just weird. Let them be.

There ARE real average developmental differences between boys and girls, and denying this is silly, and ascribing reality to prejudice won’t win you friends either.

For example, on average, girls tend to say their first words earlier and have larger vocabularies in toddlerhood. Boys - on average, their gross motor skills develop earlier than girls. On average, boys are heavier than girls at birth. Etc. Inconvenient perhaps, but this is evidence based science, not gender stereotyping.

ETA: Maybe this is in your head now because being pregnant is the biggest reality check on gender narratives because only biological women can become pregnant. Maybe, if you ascribe to a particular queer works view, you’re finding yourself instinctively rebelling against this reality and seeing issues around you. It’s still real though.

I found that nearly everyone at every baby group or class was like this, and consequently didn't make any long term friends with any of them. I was also awkward enough to question them about the kinds of stereotyped comments they were making, which I guess didn't tend to endear me to them. I just had pragmatic short term friendships with the least conservative and stereotyped parents, and wasn't worried about whether I'd make any life long friends.

Your baby will have peers regardless, as they will be in nursery or childcare at some point, possibly, then at school. It's not vital or even particularly relevant to make friends from babyhood.

just because you have pregnancy/ babies in common doesn’t mean you will have anything else in common

i never bothered with mummy friends or later trying to make friends at the school gate - I had my own friends who shared
vales and my interests

my DH didn’t bother with daddy friends either and both our kids have still managed to have excellent social lives

You will find your people. I know what you mean. Lot of my friends are queer or single by choice so few of them are likely to have children. Slowly the more alternative people come out of the woodwork antenatal classes etc are dominated by “normies” and everyone else trying to pretend to be normal too for the sake of making friends.

The postpartum hormone rush sorts it all out.

Where are you? This doesn't describe my experience in London at all (my NCT group had a lesbian couple and two people who'd conceived during a short, casual fling but decided to raise the baby together while not being in a relationship), but we moved for work, disastrously, when DS was only a few months old to a village in the midlands where exactly what you describe was the norm. In my experience it came down to lack of education and insularity.

We now live in a different country and DH's nephew and his wife just had their first child here. They're sweet, but uneducated and not terribly bright, and the pregnancy and the first few months of their baby's life has been a hilariously dopey parade of a pinkfest baby nursery, a 'gender reveal' party involving a cake with blue or pink icing and a confetti canon, soft-focus pregnancy photoshoots, and a baby being carefully curated in little pink outfits with frilly bootees and floral handbands.

😂😂😂