AIBU to feel like I don’t fit in with ‘straight’ mums?

[ZiggyStardew]

I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’ve been trying to put myself out there by joining local pregnancy groups and booking antenatal classes because I don’t have any friends who are pregnant or parents.

The problem is I keep coming away feeling like I don’t really belong.

I don’t mean this as a criticism of anyone, and I know people are just excited about their babies, but most of them seem to revolve around very traditional ideas about gender and parenthood. Things like “show me your pink nurseries for your little girlies”, “does anyone have blue decorations for a boy baby shower?”, elaborate gender reveals, “boys are so much easier than girls”, or “your daughter will be fighting the boys off one day”.

None of those things are inherently wrong, but they just make me feel like I’m on a completely different wavelength. I’m bisexual and most of my friends are quite alternative, creative or queer, so I’m much more used to people who don’t think in those terms or make those kinds of assumptions. If I quip back with “or maybe my daughter will like girls when she’s older” I often get funny looks.

I’m starting to worry that I’m being judgmental because this seems to be the majority of people I’m meeting, and I don’t want to write people off unfairly. Equally, I also want to find friends I genuinely click with, especially as I’m about to become a parent.

AIBU for feeling a bit out of place? Or am I expecting too much from these groups and should just accept that pregnancy is one thing we have in common, rather than expecting shared values or outlooks? I just worry my baby won’t have any peers if I keep her away from all this.

Lots of people don’t feel like they belong to a group for lots of reasons. Rather than looking out for your differences with people try and look for things you have in common. I find it hard to believe that conversations about ‘pink bedrooms’ takes up that much time and even if you don’t think you would ever properly gel with them it doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy their company.
Being a bit alternative is not exactly unusual 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wait until she's a toddler and asks you herself for a pink unicorn bedroom 😅

I'm 100% straight but all of those things would give me the ick. My NCT group was full of women who were different from me, but had the same or similar values such that we were able to connect on some level. Maybe you can look elsewhere for mum friends?

Oh, I know what you mean. I felt very similarly. A lot of the heteronormative pregnancy/ parenting literature felt very alienating, despite the fact that I was having a baby with a male partner. I got this book: https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/queer-parent-book-lotte-jeffs-9781035001835?sku=GOR013746703&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17428061960&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIAdbNLg-0eXIFsMnh_28vjYM which made me feel a bit more ‘me’ as I prepared to meet my baby. Do have a look at other queer parenting books too. Even though you’re having a baby with a man, you might find them validating and less twee than other books. Also follow queer parents on Instagram.

When it came to it, and to actually meeting people once the babies are here, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. There were two same sex couples in my antenatal group (I am in London, though), and I’ve met diverse people at baby groups. You will find people you click with eventually - just keep trying. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

I assumed that was the response to the “your daughter will be fighting the boys off one day” comment rather than a conversation about home decoration (which would have been a bit of a non sequitur).

Do you live somewhere quite conservative or lefty left? Can you move to Brighton 🙃

I’ve never heard anyone say ‘your daughter will be fighting off the boys one day’ about an unborn baby or even a newborn, and I’ve been in pregnancy/ baby land for years. Are you sure these things are actually happening or are your own presumptions and prejudices making you imagine that’s what others are thinking?

I think you're overthinking.

Not everyone who is straight (or appears to you to be straight) has these opinions. Unfortunately it is super common, but it's hardly a reason to not be superficially friends with someone. They're not going to be your best mates, but they're good for a moan about sleepless nights and explosive nappies.

You won't necessarily have anything in common with the people who have babies at the same time as you. I did NCT and have only really got one close friend from our group, eight years later... but I'm still in touch with most of the others, and we hang out every so often, get the kids together. We are very different people, but it's nice to have that bond. And none of them are bad people just because they have different beliefs to me. We're all a product of our upbringing, the media we consume, our own friendship groups and interests. If they say something I think is really daft I might gently counter it, but mostly we just talk about our lives, not our beliefs.

The pink/blue and general stereotyping has definitely got worse since I was a kid in the 80s, and it's mostly down to commercialisation. Shops can sell more clothes if people believe boys and girls need to be dressed differently. This then extends to how their rooms are decorated, and how they expect children to behave. And to be honest, I do notice a big difference in how girls and boys behave and what they're interested in, as a huge generalisation. It was a bit of a shock! Obviously there are kids who don't conform to the norms at all, and that's cool, but for the most part they do seem to.

You sound like you’re quite sensitive to this. I’m in the middle and fine extremes on both sides a bit annoying.
Don’t feel bad about not finding a group. You may have to try a few places. I had my first child in covid and so there were no groups and I just never found a group.

I was born two generations ago and had baby things in pale yellow, navy blue, and scarlet. Loved playing with Lego, blocks, and cars. It is so depressing to see all the ways infants are patted into gender conformity nowadays...and then, after heavy indoctrination (sweet girl/brave boy; play nicely/play adventurously), it's called 'nature'. What happened?!

I agree that forest school etc will open some opportunities eventually.

We felt we didn’t fit into our pre-natal class either.

But that was because my DH had arrested and been part of the investigation that sent two of them to prison.

Uncomfortable to say the least! 🫣

(DH is a police officer! )

I dont know why everyone on here is saying boys and girls arent different. They 100% are. I have both.

Doesnt mean an individual cant buck a trend but that doesn’t mean the trend isn't there.

Well I haven’t heard that because I think people are a bit more careful when it comes to girls but my son has often been referred to in these ways. Ie. ‘Wow, hes going to be a heartbreaker’

There's a novel I would read the hell out of!

Ouch, did the bit about the little floral baby headbands or the Vaseline-lens pregnancy photo shoots hit home?

Blimey - I went to ante-natal groups in the 90s and women weren’t displaying those gender stereotypes then. Where do you live - Stepford?

What is this obsession with 'fitting in'

I agree. Some people seem to think the fact that there is some societal pressures and differences put on girls that that explains all differences but then you’d surely find other cultures where girls wrestle each other more than boys etc but you don’t.

Plus baby boys have months where their testosterone increases. Does that mean nothing and have no effect on them?

That might be true but it's not cool to think it, and the OP is very, very kewl

YABU - and trying too hard to be different. Lots and lots of women don’t like gender stereotypes. Actually, I’m surprised all the other women in your group were going on about pink for girls, etc, as many of the mum I met were into primary colours (easier for very young babies to see) or combinations of cream and beige.

I’m bisexual and I didn’t have any problems with my baby groups. Stop judging people and giving off an aura of superiority. Accept people for who they are, just like you want to be accepted. I’m sure that if you talked to these women you’d find things in common with some of them.

Thinking about it, not one person in my groups knew I was bisexual. Not because I felt I had to hide it but because I didn’t need to mention it. I find it hard to believe there was an occasion where you had to make a quip about “girls liking girls”. I can quite believe the chat about nursery soft furnishings but I doubt many people were sitting there chatting about who their daughter was going to marry. That’s probably why you got a funny look.

Talk about pregnancy, babies, nurseries, baby care, weaning, and chat about things like books, TV, food, etc, if there’s a chance to chat. Give the other women a chance. Perhaps they’re spending far too long obsessing over curtains in your opinion, but they might also be a kind person, have travelled widely and have some interesting stories, have a degree in Physics, previously worked as a zookeeper, love something you love - or, actually be bi themselves but not think they have to mention it.

How do you know everyone's sexual preference at the group ?

If you don't click with them, you don't. Just because you're all mums together doesn't mean you have to be friends. The kind of woman you describe (my baby boy blue's bedroom!) wouldn't be someone I gelled with either, and I'm as straight as a set square.

There is no rule that says you have to like everyone.

Yes this. It's fine you don't want to change to 'fit in' with them but, they shouldn't be themselves because it doesn't suit you? No. They are all individuals doing their thing too.

Go, and accept them, don't go or try a different group.

I'm really sorry to go off topic, but every time I see the thread title I can't stop singing Ian Dury in my head.

"I wanna be straight, I wanna be straight, I'm sick and tired of taking drugs and staying up late..."