AIBU to feel like I don’t fit in with ‘straight’ mums?

[ZiggyStardew]

I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’ve been trying to put myself out there by joining local pregnancy groups and booking antenatal classes because I don’t have any friends who are pregnant or parents.

The problem is I keep coming away feeling like I don’t really belong.

I don’t mean this as a criticism of anyone, and I know people are just excited about their babies, but most of them seem to revolve around very traditional ideas about gender and parenthood. Things like “show me your pink nurseries for your little girlies”, “does anyone have blue decorations for a boy baby shower?”, elaborate gender reveals, “boys are so much easier than girls”, or “your daughter will be fighting the boys off one day”.

None of those things are inherently wrong, but they just make me feel like I’m on a completely different wavelength. I’m bisexual and most of my friends are quite alternative, creative or queer, so I’m much more used to people who don’t think in those terms or make those kinds of assumptions. If I quip back with “or maybe my daughter will like girls when she’s older” I often get funny looks.

I’m starting to worry that I’m being judgmental because this seems to be the majority of people I’m meeting, and I don’t want to write people off unfairly. Equally, I also want to find friends I genuinely click with, especially as I’m about to become a parent.

AIBU for feeling a bit out of place? Or am I expecting too much from these groups and should just accept that pregnancy is one thing we have in common, rather than expecting shared values or outlooks? I just worry my baby won’t have any peers if I keep her away from all this.

Honestly, none of the other mums will care that you're attracted to men and women.

I'm sorry to say, but you sound like a narcissist even worrying about this.

I agree, my four year old was at a party yesterday when I picked her up all the girls were in the craft corner and all the boys were playing on the slip and slide. No one had divided them this way it’s just how they gravitated. There are of course exceptions but generally with boys a hormone kicks in around four years old that makes them more energetic to prepare them to be hunters in later life.

I echo this and also think we need to be careful that rejecting gender stereotypes doesn't actually mean belittling traditionally female things. So wanting girls clothes with dinosaurs might seem interesting and different but how about boys clothes with flowers and bunny rabbits? Girls can enjoy rough play but this isn't superior to playing with dolls.

You’re just too cool for everyone else

I wouldn't overthink the whole 'shared values or outlooks' thing. There are so many different parenting choices that people make with babies that with any other new mums there's almost certainly going to be stuff you choose to do differently. There's also only so much baby related small talk you can make, and nerves/insecurity often mean that people don't come across quite how they intend to.

I have memories of changing baby DC1's nappy at a baby group and finding out I was the only one using disposable nappies, everyone else there was evangelical about reusable nappies or 'cloth bumming' as they liked to call it. In some groups of people the whole BF vs FF thing can be hugely divisive, other times no one bats an eyelid.

I guess what I'm saying is you can continue looking round to try and find your 'tribe' but you're unlikely to find a perfect fit. Or you can look past the pink and blue and try to get to know the other mums-to-be as individuals.

Some people on here are talking only about the harmless side of highly gendered parenting - i.e. buying lots of pink stuff for their baby girl. But there are also things like encouraging toddler boys being encouraged to take more risks in playgrounds, whereas parents of girls encourage them to be more cautious.
It all feeds into the idea that there are 'girls toys' and 'boys toys' and the unspoken, but clear message across society that there is a definite hierarchy. Girls might be allowed to do "boys stuff" like football if they are 'good enough' but it's a bit embarrassing for boys to do 'girls stuff' because that's lower status. Advertising, children's books, tv - it all reinforces that even without parents needing to.
And linked to this, from toddlerhood right through to teenage years there's the idea that boys 'need' more space and attention, so you get primary school playgrounds dominated by boys playing football, and teenage girls saying that they don't hang out in public spaces because the provision for teenagers is entirely focused on things like skate parks which are dominated by boys and no consideration for what girls might need.

I was in the same position 30 years ago. Very lonely at first, but found a few like minded people and found a greater tolerance in myself for the 'straight' world as my daughter made friends with all kinds and in the chaos of playdates, parties and sleepovers I made some lifelong friends. I used to take the dog with me to the school gate though for company.

It's not narcissistic to realise that you're suddenly in a social setting where people have a very different worldview to you? The majority of my friends are queer and/or alternative and part of that includes almost universally a less traditional approach to child rearing (including how you approach the concept of gender roles). OP isn't saying "I'm bisexual and I need the other parents to know", she's saying "I have realised the prevailing approach to parenting in the group I've found myself is is antithetical to how I see the world and I'm not sure how to find other people who I'll have more in common with or whether I should just get over it". Which isn't remotely narcissistic.

I personally don’t know people who think of it all in terms of pink and blue nonsense and stereotypes and I’d avoid the ones that do! It’s regressive tedious shite.

I read the word "straight" in the title as meaning very conventional, rather than being specifically about sexuality. Might be wrong though. If OP is looking to meet up with LGBT parents specifically, that's probably even easier as there will be groups publicised locally.

There is an AWFUL lot more to pregnancy and baby groups and classes than comments that veer into gender stereotyping. It really should only be passing comments, so I'm not sure why it affects your ability to get to know people.

I can't remember my or anyone else's sexuality coming up at any baby group.

Discussions were all about birth, baby care, and related benefits, strategies, tactics, NHS care and benefits.

The thing is, when your little one is old enough to express an interest, he or she may be determined to be a pink princess or a budding Buzz Lightyear, and there will be nothing you can do about it. You have to learn to go with the flow, with your child and with their friends.

Just relax and embrace everyone who isn't actively nasty.

Agree.

I think most people feel they don't belong for one reason or another, I was an older mum, many of the other mum's to be could have been my daughter. I was also in a very masculine dominated profession and was really a bit out of my depth surrounded by women. You are just there for a shared experience, being pregnant, you don't have to join in with any conversations you're not comfortable with or form lifelong bonds.

🙄

She said:

'I’m bisexual and most of my friends are quite alternative, creative or queer ... If I quip back with “or maybe my daughter will like girls when she’s older” I often get funny looks.'

I agree with posters who are saying keep looking. You just haven't found your people yet. And yes, that can be as a result of where you are too.

I was quickly identified in our NCt group as the hardcore feminist. It was fine. I bonded with two of the women in particular who had similar views and the rest were more casual buddies who I was very grateful to have when DS was a tiny baby but who, over time, I've drifted away from.

As others have said, the only thing most people have in common in a pregnancy class is being pregnant. My mother made friends for life at her NCT classes and then at baby groups and these became children I then grew up with as a child. Some are still in contact with her now and visit her in her care home. Wonderful! But then we made no lasting connections at NCT. And that was fine actually. We have friends outside that. Same with groups and classes. Friendly, but not friends. The only real connection is having children of a similar age. Fine for a coffee and a chat while children play in the soft play or a hello at swimming class, but that’s it. And that’s fine. Sometimes just talking about baby things, like sleeping patterns and strange rashes, that bore the pants off everyone else but fascinate new parents is support enough.

But be warned, babies/ toddlers/ children are independent creatures with their own minds. Before we had our daughter we thought we’d avoid the awful princess tat and the pinks and glitter and such. But nope. She’s obsessed. And, really, that’s ok. It’s up to her. We try and point out things such as not having to marry random princes who wake you from enchanted sleep, or the idea that perhaps the princess might be the one to save the prince. But beyond standing up for the feminist basics, the pink is stuck and we don’t fight it.

So really I’m saying choose your battles and don’t force ideologies too young. Let your child live their own lives. Your ideals will seep in anyway and don’t need to be forced. And, ultimately, the best things we can teach our children are kindness, acceptance of difference and self belief.

I remember we once lived next to a vegan family. They had ‘vegan’ cats. They told everyone about how easy it was to do and how their cats loved their meat free life. Of course the reality was rather different and the cats would roam from one cat owning neighbour to the next stealing other cats’ food.

Someone's worldview isn't just shaped around gender roles though which is what OP seems overly concerned about. We are all nuanced and complex people with a multitude of views on all sorts of things. Some you will agree with, some you won't and some you or they will change over time. It's odd to have single issue friendships and it leads to weird echo chambers and bubbles that aren't necessarily healthy. It sounds like OP is already living about like that now and can't actually tolerate any divergence from what she is used to. This in itself should be worrying her!

You will encounter other people that have different opinions on breastfeeding, weaning, disposable/reusable nappies, screens, getting baby's ears pierced... The list is endless. You may feel passionately about any one of these issues and it is you prerogative to raise your child accordingly but to overly focus on one particular issue and form friendship groups on this basis just seems strange and almost feeds into a divisive society where we will only associate with people that conform with our views.

God forbid a mother dress her baby in pink or have a pregnancy shoot 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

It's got nothing to do with "queerness" or being creative, etc IMO.

My son is now 35 and as a toddler played almost exclusively with dolls and "animal hospital" toys where he would look after "injured" toys. (As an adult he remains very nurturing, though doesn't work in a caring profession.) I was a young mum and did go to baby groups etc, but honestly never thought twice about what other people were doing. Just do you.

I know, but a lot of her post was more general than that and about gender stereotyping etc rather than sexuality.

Maybe she will come back and enlighten us.

How sneery are you? I bet you’re not as cosmopolitan as you think you are. You sound massively judgemental and rigid in your thinking.

I suspect you didn’t grow up in London, did you? You sound like a blow in who adopted some faux persona once you left your provincial town and you now think you’re better than everyone else.

PP have it, the only thing you have in common is pregnancy. It was the post natal groups where I met people I liked. The ones who also had no close family to help, the other one with a DD and a red pram (everyone assumed our girls were boys). Pram excerise classes were where I met women I'm friends with 20 years later. So keep trying activities and groups.

“or maybe my daughter will like girls when she’s older”

To be honest, I would probably give you a weird look if you said that in relation to me mentioning giving my daughter a pink bedroom. They aren’t talking about sexuality - and both lesbians and straight women can like or dislike pink. It’s not relevant.

However, I do understand what it’s like to feel that you don’t fit in. I am an older mum who adopted and I found baby and toddler groups awkward as my experiences were not similar to those of other mums. Just try some different groups - you’ll find your own tribe eventually.