AIBU to continue with this FARCE? (Teens and extracurricular activites)

[paulinepolos]

My 18 year old daughter is currently doing her Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award, yet finishing it has been impossible. She has completed the sufficient Skill, Volunteering and Physical sections, yet to qualify for the full thing she needs to do an Expedition. This has proven difficult. We are registered with an Open Award Centre, which unfortunately is not very accommodating.

They called my daughter up this Spring for training for an Expedition, yet she was placed in a group of 6 private school kids who already knew each other and made for a toxic group dynamic cos she was left out. They did not bother to make meal plans, sleeping arrangements etc. They also were taller and had a greater standard of fitness than my daughter. My daughter is 5foot tall and about 10 stone. She is reasonably fit for a girl her age, swims twice a week and goes for a run on the weekends, yet this Expedition is a totally different beast. She has walked 10ks every weekend with the same weight in a back pack on relatively flat urban terrain near our house with the proper boots, and yet she is struggling to walk, out of breath and has burns and cuts on her feet. The Assessor then says the group is going to the Peak district, which I was not happy about. As of 2023, the DofE website says you can do it in an urban environment, which my daughter would prefer and I would feel better letting her go alone on. I feel unsafe letting her go into the middle of nowhere with kids who are very cliquey and leave her out. The expedition also was said to take place in June, which I think is stupid cos of the risk of fainting, burns, insect bites/stings, heat stroke, especially dangerous using fires/gas stoves. I would rather she goes in the autumn or winter. She also is not allowed her mobile phone, or allowed to see me at any time of the day.

I have now withdrawn from doing this Centre`s expeditions as I do not think they are appropriate for my daughter. I have looked into Private Expeditions, but these are for teenagers who are generally disabled, and use boats or other "cheat" methods of transport which my teen is not happy about using. No where seems to offer urban/suburban/coastal routes with minimum elevation. I then suggested to the centre doing our own Expedition with 3 friends, in an urban environment, and apparently you need a trained and qualified Assessor and Supervisor (not parent or under 18). Sometimes I wonder if its worth doing the DofE at all, the only reason we are doing it is because my daughter received incredibly poor GCSE results in summer 2025, cant be bothered to resit them, and she needs equivalent qualifications to show an employer or give her a chance of getting a decent job.

Any ideas what to do? And have you faced similar?

Formal exams will serve her better than this. With her height/weight, she doesn’t sound very fit. But, at 18, she should be sorting this out for herself.

You sound very controlling. She’s old enough to do Gold Duke of Edinburgh. She can cope with a few days camping in the Peak Fistrivt. The whole point if the expedition is to get out of your local area and (preferably) into nature. Along with the residential this is meant to stretch you. It is also a group activity. It’s like a rite of passage: completing it gives participants a sense of accomplishment. If you are being obstructive then perhaps it’s not right for your family.

You lost me at “risk of fainting”

PS sailing expeditions are not ‘chest methods’. They generally combine the expedition with gaining an RYA qualification like Competent Crew. They undertake night shifts. They navigate in open sea. It’s both physically and intellectually demanding.

Note, I’ve assessed DofE expeditions for 20 years and I’ve never once come across one in an urban environment. I’ve heard apocryphal tales of children from the Australian outback going to Sydney because, for them, it was the equivalent of a city kid going to the countryside. I don’t know whether it’s true though. The only difference since the tiles were eased has been the ability to have gold expeditions without wild camping in places like the Chilterns instead of the Peaks.

*cheat

Honesty OP, the best thing you can do is encourage her to redo GCSE's.
Gold Dof E imo is a discussion point at interview but won't help get a job/ university place.
It's supposed to encourage independence and resilience. DS1 did Gold two years ago by cycling from Barrow to Newcastle (C2C) in 5 days carrying all his kit. We live in Cornwall, so he travelled via train to Newcastle which was a challenge in itself. DS2 is kayaking Bath to London in 5 days. It has to be difficult!

Incidentally DS did his Silver expedition, this week, in the Peak District, in 33 degrees. It was hot and I was slightly anxious about that, but they made sensible modifications as someone said up thread (regular water drops, transported some of the heaviest kit, up at 4.15am in order to finish by lunchtime each day), and he had a great time. As so many others have said, the whole point is that it's a challenge.

She needs to find a different group.

She needs to put herself out there. She is not going to get this by walking round pavements! Its a challenge...and its up to her now. Shes an adult.

Is there a reason she took her GCSEs late and got incredibly poor results?

She also is not allowed her mobile phone, or allowed to see me at any time of the day.

Well, that's standard and as she's 18 not 8 why does she need to be in touch? The whole idea is to experience and demonstrate resilience, independence and resourcefulness. Also, the public school clique does sound off putting but maybe they'll be OK and it's only for a short while anyway. Another life lesson - you sometimes have to work alongside people you don't like much or who are different to you. It's about adaptability, co-operation, team work.
However, it sounds as if she either isn't fit or flexible enough, physically and emotionally. Perhaps encourage her to do a Functional Skills qualification if she won't resit GCSE's.

This, 1000%

DofE is supposed to be challenging, yet you want to make it as easy as possible for her. Why? What's the point of her doing it, in that case? And as others have said, it's really not going to make up for poor GCSE results. She needs to resit the core subjects rather than make a half-assed attempt at a random extracurricular activity. Sorry to be blunt but this has post has made me so cross. She's an adult, and needs to learn to take on challenges and develop resilience. You should be advocating for this, not trying to make everything run smoothly and easily for her all the time. It will benefit no one.

Some of the critical posts about OP's daughter are uncalled for. FGS check your misery. 🙄

The only thing I think OP is at fault for is not investigating and getting recos for an appropriate centre. OP also could have pulled her daughter out much sooner.

Does she actually wang yo do it or do you think it’ll make a difference on a uni application, if it’s for uni don’t bother, much better they actually have real life skills, doing a customer facing job, volunteering at local groups rather than only doing it to get an award.

The Brownies might be a better option

Note, I’ve assessed DofE expeditions for 20 years and I’ve never once come across one in an urban environment.

I've had a look at the website, and apparently you can - but I don't suppose it means going for a stroll round your home town. It still has to provide the right level of challenge.

Have you checked out the Approved Activity Providers link on the DofE website:

https://www.dofe.org/resources-and-tools/opportunity-finder/approved-activity-provider/

They have loads of alternatives to walking and you don't need any experience. It seems a shame not to finish it if she has done the other sections. Has she done the Residential?

Your comments about alternative modes of travel for disabled participants being a cheat are really offensive, especially when you're basically looking to bypass and cheat the structure of the award yourself!

Fwiw I did my gold in a sea kayak and it was pretty hardcore but a lot of fun. It's meant to be challenging, otherwise you wouldn't get an award at the end!

And I agree about it not replacing GCSEs. It helped me answer one or two interview questions for my first job out of university, but it wouldn't have got me the interview in the first place of I didn't have the qualifications!

I had to go back and read your daughter’s age, stop babying her she’s a grown woman! The whole point of the expedition is to use critical thinking and build resilience, not be phoning your mum because it’s June and you might get hot. Your daughters going to encounter people from all walks of life, so what if they went to private school together, so did my son and most of his office, they still get on with everyone else regardless. Tell her to get on with it and stop helicoptering.

it is because my daughter received incredibly poor GCSE results in summer 2025,

Is she an academic year behind her peers? If she is 18 now but did her GCSEs last summer there is a mismatch somewhere. Why did she do so poorly? Didn't apply herself, not able or personal circumstances?

I presume you mean June 2027 - so a whole year to get fitter and stronger. Losing some weight would help with this.

What setting is she in at the moment? 6th form, college?

Anyway....first time poster and not yet engaged with the replies.....let's see,

And how do you think the people in (decent) jobs got them? Through having no qualifications and a DofE certificate?

Agreed. DD is 5'8" and a very muscley athlete who trains multiple times a week and she is around 63kg.

If your daughter weighs the same as her at 8 inches shorter that's quite a difference

I'm not questioning that the other young people in the group could potentially be as excluding as you say OP, but I'm also thinking that this is likely to be a high achieving and motivated bunch of individuals (in my experience, most gold DofE candidates are). I'm trying to put this gently so please try and see this, but what about your underachieving, unfit, and unmotivated daughter do you think should appeal to them?

I know that sounds so unkind, and I'm truly not trying to be a cow bag, but sometimes it helps us to see ourselves as others might see us.

I don't think gold DofE is going to be the panacea you think it is. As someone who employs within the NHS, I would really question your thought process here. I wouldn't touch someone who 'couldn't be bothered' with resits of important exams unless there is a HUGE contextual backstory. You've had some good suggestions up thread. I hope you can hear them non defensively and it's helpful to you.

OP surely you have known for a while where and when your daughter's D of E will take place and what it will involve. Once you and she knew what it would involve, it is surely up to her to be organising and doing training walks of the length and in the terrain that her expedition is in? If she is doing walks " on relatively flat urban terrain", then that's her choice not to prepare for the type of walk she is doing for D of E. If she is getting burnt and cut feet, then obviously has chosen the wrong foot wear and isn't wearing enough sun cream.

Part of D&E is to be able to research the right clothing, organise yourself to have it, and work out and do the training you need to do to get ready for the trip. If your daughter is totally unable to do this, that would suggest she isn't ready for D of E. No disrespect - two years ago I planned to swim a sponsered mile. I still haven't yet because I can't swim a mile... not a problem, but means I haven't done it.

How/when did your DD do silver and bronze?
Could she not do it with the same group, or was that organised by school?