AIBU to continue with this FARCE? (Teens and extracurricular activites)

[paulinepolos]

My 18 year old daughter is currently doing her Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award, yet finishing it has been impossible. She has completed the sufficient Skill, Volunteering and Physical sections, yet to qualify for the full thing she needs to do an Expedition. This has proven difficult. We are registered with an Open Award Centre, which unfortunately is not very accommodating.

They called my daughter up this Spring for training for an Expedition, yet she was placed in a group of 6 private school kids who already knew each other and made for a toxic group dynamic cos she was left out. They did not bother to make meal plans, sleeping arrangements etc. They also were taller and had a greater standard of fitness than my daughter. My daughter is 5foot tall and about 10 stone. She is reasonably fit for a girl her age, swims twice a week and goes for a run on the weekends, yet this Expedition is a totally different beast. She has walked 10ks every weekend with the same weight in a back pack on relatively flat urban terrain near our house with the proper boots, and yet she is struggling to walk, out of breath and has burns and cuts on her feet. The Assessor then says the group is going to the Peak district, which I was not happy about. As of 2023, the DofE website says you can do it in an urban environment, which my daughter would prefer and I would feel better letting her go alone on. I feel unsafe letting her go into the middle of nowhere with kids who are very cliquey and leave her out. The expedition also was said to take place in June, which I think is stupid cos of the risk of fainting, burns, insect bites/stings, heat stroke, especially dangerous using fires/gas stoves. I would rather she goes in the autumn or winter. She also is not allowed her mobile phone, or allowed to see me at any time of the day.

I have now withdrawn from doing this Centre`s expeditions as I do not think they are appropriate for my daughter. I have looked into Private Expeditions, but these are for teenagers who are generally disabled, and use boats or other "cheat" methods of transport which my teen is not happy about using. No where seems to offer urban/suburban/coastal routes with minimum elevation. I then suggested to the centre doing our own Expedition with 3 friends, in an urban environment, and apparently you need a trained and qualified Assessor and Supervisor (not parent or under 18). Sometimes I wonder if its worth doing the DofE at all, the only reason we are doing it is because my daughter received incredibly poor GCSE results in summer 2025, cant be bothered to resit them, and she needs equivalent qualifications to show an employer or give her a chance of getting a decent job.

Any ideas what to do? And have you faced similar?

There are some things here that you can change and some you can’t. The length of the expedition in terms of the walking distance and it being in June are things she will have to overcome as it’s the same for everyone. Same with no mobile phone or being able to see you. These are standard rules. Do you not know this from the bronze and silver?

The mean kids is unfortunate - do the centre not have another group she can join? They must be running more than one expedition surely.

But I have to say that the majority of things you are complaining about are standard DofE expectations.

Your DD is 18 and it sounds like you’re babying her a bit. She’s an adult. Doing her DoE won’t replace not having GCSEs so she will need to get some qualifications or she’ll struggle to get a job.

Speak to your local scout group if they have a Network DoE expedition. She might be able to join.

You also really don’t want her to do it in the winter. My sister got hypothermia on a practice expedition because it was so cold.

The only issue here is the group she has been put in are dicks. Everything else is something she's going to have to get over. The whole point of an expedition is to be challenged. Everyone else has to do these challenges and meet them. And they are all things known before starting the programme. Your daughter isn't special, they aren't going to, and shouldn't, change the rules because her mother doesn't think it's fair for her.

DoE expeditions are physically challenging, that's the whole point of them. If your daughter is not fit enough to do it then she shouldn't do it. You're babying her.

The only thing that is worth arguing about on the practice expedition she did was the group composition. The rest is incredibly standard.

FWIW, I've just converted 10st to kg. Thats the same weight as my son - whose biggest issue is the weight limit they will let him carry, as he is probably the fittest (and lightest) of the group - and would happily take more weight, but the assessor banned it.

Id be arguing very hard AGAINST them camping in the Peak district in winter. That way hypothermia lies - pretty sure its forbidden anyway by DoE.

Why would she need to see you?

The only issue here is the group she has been put in are dicks.

According to the op. I'd like to hear their version of events.

she is struggling to walk, out of breath and has burns and cuts on her feet

How does she get cuts on her feet if she's wearing proper footwear? Blisters or sore doors maybe, but cuts??

I agree! Sounds like you’ve not bought the right equipment and clothing for her.

If she’s got no qualifications and not retaking and needs a boost or focus in life- direct her to the kings trust (used to be the princes trust) - do lots of schemes and courses to help young people find their potential, set up a business or gain confidence and employability skills.

It will not replace gcse. She needs to be bothered to get the qualifications. The whole point if there is one if these expeditions is to do difficult stuff. I dont think meeting ir calling your mum us part of it

Gold DoE is not for everyone. It doesn’t sound like it’s for her (you!)

I am also a graduate hiring manager, DofE does nothing to improve low grades, sorry. It’s a totally different kind of experience, and can be valuable to show skills to employers, but it in no way mitigates low GCSE results.

Can’t believe your daughter is eighteen and has her mother complaining and cancelling things on her behalf. There’s so much wrong with your post I don’t even know where to begin.

D of E doesn’t replace GCSEs. Is she not getting A levels? Apprenticeship?

The whole point of gold D of E is a hard trek through the countryside. Sunburn, blisters, heavy bag, working alongside people you wouldn’t normally get on with. It’s character building. Let her sort it, she is an adult.

You think you’re protecting her, but you are actually setting her up for a lifetime of not being able to cope as soon as things get slightly difficult.

OP I’m sorry if this is blunt but at only 5 feet tall and 10 stone in weight your daughter is overweight (check the NHS website), which is probably why she is struggling with the physical aspect of the DofE. Are you sure this Expedition is a good idea for her?

Why would she need to phone or meet up with her mum while on her D of E trek? At eighteen years old?

“Urban”, “winter”, not allowed “to see me at any time of the day”, “cheat methods of transport” (in the context of disabled teenagers), “can’t be bothered to resit”… I can’t get my head around all this OP. I feels like an attitude problem to me. DofE isn’t the issue. If she (or you as it is coming across) don’t want to do it, well don’t. But it’s not an alternative to academic qualifications. I’d probably encourage my child to resit some of the exams of consider other qualifications. Wanting DofE to be something that it’s not seems a pointless endeavour.

edit for typo

some things stood out to me here

• she doesn’t sound fit enough
• youre worried she can’t call or see you at any point in the expedition- so? She’s an adult!
• you want them to do the expedition in winter. I don’t think camping in the Peak District is generally advised then. Summer is better
• you sound overbearing
• she needs GCSEs

Get her into college this September, she can resit her Maths and English alongside a BTech or equivalent.

Exactly. The whole point of activities like DofE is that they are extracurricular.

Massive overkill OP. You think shes going to get heatstroke in the uk in June?
Let her crack on with doing it with these other kids

I’m going to assume she didn’t do bronze or silver DofE?

While you can jump straight to Gold and do the skills, physical and volunteering for longer, it is not recommended to do Gold without doing at least Bronze. If she had done you’d have known that the rules you are bitching about are standard across all levels. She’s meant to be doing this one her own, planning with her group etc etc not having mummy do everything for her or follow her round like she’s a lost puppy. She’s an adult fgs

there is also a reason why expeditions are usually done between Easter and Summer

Um, did you not notice the temperatures we had last week? Over 35 degrees in more southerly parts of the UK.

As it happens (and I appreciate you only have my word for this) a girl I know did DofE expedition last week and did get heat stroke. And that was only Bronze.

Incidentally, has she done the silver award? That normally gives teens a good idea whether they can cope or not, although gold is a big step up. I'm also questioning your description of the cliquey group, having an unfit person on the team places an extra burden on the others, I'm not surprised they've not been welcoming.

This is a bit odd, DofE gold is a physical challenge, she needs to be fit enough to do it. If she's not she can't do it. Also there isn't an employer I can think of who will take it in lieu of GCSEs. Why is she refusing to resit her exams? This seems likely to be a more general issue than just DofE

I don’t know about all D of E centres, but in my area the leaders are volunteers. They give up days and hours every year to give children this experience.

Managing the group dynamics is part of the beast- they are trained and reminded that the whole group works together- yes those who already know each other will find that easier, but those who are better fitted and those who struggle have to work together to find a compromise. Yes, it makes it harder for the well prepared kids if they are carrying less well prepared, but that’s part of the deal.

Agreed.

Ummmm heatwaves over now and 35C isnt that bad