AIBU to continue with this FARCE? (Teens and extracurricular activites)

[paulinepolos]

My 18 year old daughter is currently doing her Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award, yet finishing it has been impossible. She has completed the sufficient Skill, Volunteering and Physical sections, yet to qualify for the full thing she needs to do an Expedition. This has proven difficult. We are registered with an Open Award Centre, which unfortunately is not very accommodating.

They called my daughter up this Spring for training for an Expedition, yet she was placed in a group of 6 private school kids who already knew each other and made for a toxic group dynamic cos she was left out. They did not bother to make meal plans, sleeping arrangements etc. They also were taller and had a greater standard of fitness than my daughter. My daughter is 5foot tall and about 10 stone. She is reasonably fit for a girl her age, swims twice a week and goes for a run on the weekends, yet this Expedition is a totally different beast. She has walked 10ks every weekend with the same weight in a back pack on relatively flat urban terrain near our house with the proper boots, and yet she is struggling to walk, out of breath and has burns and cuts on her feet. The Assessor then says the group is going to the Peak district, which I was not happy about. As of 2023, the DofE website says you can do it in an urban environment, which my daughter would prefer and I would feel better letting her go alone on. I feel unsafe letting her go into the middle of nowhere with kids who are very cliquey and leave her out. The expedition also was said to take place in June, which I think is stupid cos of the risk of fainting, burns, insect bites/stings, heat stroke, especially dangerous using fires/gas stoves. I would rather she goes in the autumn or winter. She also is not allowed her mobile phone, or allowed to see me at any time of the day.

I have now withdrawn from doing this Centre`s expeditions as I do not think they are appropriate for my daughter. I have looked into Private Expeditions, but these are for teenagers who are generally disabled, and use boats or other "cheat" methods of transport which my teen is not happy about using. No where seems to offer urban/suburban/coastal routes with minimum elevation. I then suggested to the centre doing our own Expedition with 3 friends, in an urban environment, and apparently you need a trained and qualified Assessor and Supervisor (not parent or under 18). Sometimes I wonder if its worth doing the DofE at all, the only reason we are doing it is because my daughter received incredibly poor GCSE results in summer 2025, cant be bothered to resit them, and she needs equivalent qualifications to show an employer or give her a chance of getting a decent job.

Any ideas what to do? And have you faced similar?

She (not you) should contact some local scout troops and see if she can join in there, although they will probably know each other already as well, that's something to just get over at this point.

Your opinions on timing, location, phones etc are completely and utterly irrelevant.

Your daughter doesn’t need the D of E to get a job. Perhaps she could spend the time volunteering somewhere instead?

If this is your degree of input at 18 I am not at all surprised she's scored poorly in her GCSEs and can't be arsed to retake them.
You're coddling her and it's done her no favours up until now, shes needs an ultimatum that if shes not in meaningful full time employment or full time education she needs to find somewhere else to live. DofE is the absolute least of her concerns but she should also be figuring that out for herself.

Don't be obtuse. I realise the heatwave has subsided, but it happened in June.

Plus over 35 degrees (it was 37 in Suffolk) is bloody hot when you're walking for miles in the sun and lugging a backpack full of bits of tent and other equipment.

No longer relevant

She's 18, I'm not sure why you're getting so involved?

An "urban and flat" gold expedition seems bizarre, it's meant to be adventurous. The experience is meant to build self-sufficiency skills.

You could definitely help with her physical struggles - is it her fitness or the boots and equipment she has that's causing the discomfort?

Is there a member of staff at the centre who can mediate a discussion between the dc in the group and the arrangements? Or can she ask to switch to another group?

I don't really think a gold D of E is probably the biggest focus if she hasn't got any qualifications. I agree with the pp who suggested looking at the Kings Trust, they do some brilliant schemes.

Your daughter is overweight, unfit, and has an attitude problem. You need to help her with those things, not try to make things easier for her.

It's no less relevant than your comment that, "You think shes [sic] going to get heatstroke in the uk [sic] in June?"

I don't think the OP should be getting involved, but that argument doesn't hold much weight after last week.

What urban environment has the same elevations and requirements for map reading as the standard countryside DoE trek?

Disagree

What a massive list of excuses. It's a long walk with some camping which is totally doable for an 18 year old. Just let her get on with it instead of moaning.

She's 18. Old enough to work, vote, get married and have children... and you're concerned about her going to the Peak District? Take the reins off - your poor daughter has no chance in the real world if you are controlling her life so much into adulthood.

She's 18. Old enough to work, vote, get married and have children... and you're concerned about her going to the Peak District? Take the reins off - your poor daughter has no chance in the real world if you are controlling her life so much into adulthood.

Find a local mountain leader using Google or social media. There are loads of companies and a lot of their guides do private contractual and charity work.

Let me guess, you/she got this great idea to do D of E instead of GCSEs from ChatGPT? And in its quest for validating you, it assured you that your daughter could jump straight to gold without building up to it via bronze/silver and it claimed she could walk around town for a bit with a backpack on and call it an “urban trek” and now the reality isn’t matching up to what an LLM told you? I think you need to do more research and get her some real qualifications.

Entirely possible in temperatures like we’ve just had for the last week in the south east. I can’t pretend to know what it’s been like in the Peaks though

Sorry agree with PP

5ft and 10 stone is well into overweight category so suspect your daughter is more unfit than you think. Maybe seeing the fitness of the others could be a wake up call for her.

Gold DofE is meant to be a challenge, so hills, no phones and no mum visits (!!) is normal and to be expected.

June is a totally normal and sensible time to do it, outside of heatwaves. I know some DofE expeditions were postponed in the heatwave quite rightly. But normal June is fine and it’s the obvious time to do it when students have free time after exams.

I agree that a mixed group who don’t all know each other would be far preferable. I don’t know how likely you are to find this though as IME it is usually done through school so it is usually a group from one school going together.

How did your DD get involved in DofE, was it not through school? Have you been pushing her through it or has she found it and done it all by herself? If the latter then that’s positive and speaks well to her self motivation.

My favourite part is your outrage that you can't assess it yourself!

I think you need to do more research and get her some real qualifications

I think she needs to do her own research and get herself some qualifiations.

She's 18. She needs to develop some initiative. She won't get anywhere as long as her mother is micromanaging her life to this extent.

YABU

Gold DofE is a tough physical challenge - and not everyone is able to do it - if it was easy everyone would do it.

DS16 did his bronze and silver with school and has complete all the stuff for Gold except the expedition. He found Silver more of a challenge than he expected and has now decided he’s not physically ready for Gold. He can still do it later when he’s physically stronger if he still wants to. (I think he has until age 25?).

Regardless, he’s proud of what he did achieve but decided to focus on working hard for his GCSEs and is looking forward to college in September.

All of which are more important than Gold DofE!

The important part is that your adult daughter 'can't be bothered' to get qualifications that are the barest of minimums required for any employment.

She needs to plan how she'll afford to live with no employment or GCSEs.

if she is 18 GCSEs were a couple of years ago. What has been she been doing since then? I agree nothing really replaces qualifications and English and Maths are a basic requirement but maybe she could do some volunteering work rather than the d of e if it’s proving too difficult

Both of mine have done/ are finishing off DofE from bronze to gold, with School. It is supposed to be challenging and unfit DC will struggle.

There is no way that participants should be contacting their parents part way through! If they get injured, and one of mine did, the assessor will contact you. Both of mine did gold level hikes in the Lakes on pretty hard routes.

But DofE is not a substitute for GCSEs - she needs to get to college and redo English and maths and a course she likes.

Did she do her residential yet? Might be a good place to meet and socialise with a group
similarly volunteering with eg guides and then going the walk with them would also offer more chance to integrate. I did my silver and gold with local adventure centre and the same cohort (started as strangers) did all training and prep together. You can’t take a shortcut as it doesn’t pay off.

Also I find your comments re the ‘cheat’ route wholly derogatory - it’s an adaptive activity for those who need it in order to be inclusive. I have family and friends who completed that route for various reasons, and you are abhorrent for diminishing their achievements.

I agree with PPs that this doesn’t wholly correct poor gcse grades - is she doing other (vocational?) study, or can she resit the core ones if she didn’t do too well in those? What’s happened from 16-18 to address that?

I can't actually believe this thread! Echoing all other PP that it's not a DofE issue, it's a you & your daughter issue! If there are ASN in the mix I get it, but otherwise YABVU.

Teacher & trained DofE supervisor here (Bronze & Silver), the description of adjustments for students with differences as 'cheat methods' alone has me raging. You sound like an over-bearing, selfish individual who is allowing their daughter to coast through life: she'll get a shock in the real world.