AIBU to continue with this FARCE? (Teens and extracurricular activites)

[paulinepolos]

My 18 year old daughter is currently doing her Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award, yet finishing it has been impossible. She has completed the sufficient Skill, Volunteering and Physical sections, yet to qualify for the full thing she needs to do an Expedition. This has proven difficult. We are registered with an Open Award Centre, which unfortunately is not very accommodating.

They called my daughter up this Spring for training for an Expedition, yet she was placed in a group of 6 private school kids who already knew each other and made for a toxic group dynamic cos she was left out. They did not bother to make meal plans, sleeping arrangements etc. They also were taller and had a greater standard of fitness than my daughter. My daughter is 5foot tall and about 10 stone. She is reasonably fit for a girl her age, swims twice a week and goes for a run on the weekends, yet this Expedition is a totally different beast. She has walked 10ks every weekend with the same weight in a back pack on relatively flat urban terrain near our house with the proper boots, and yet she is struggling to walk, out of breath and has burns and cuts on her feet. The Assessor then says the group is going to the Peak district, which I was not happy about. As of 2023, the DofE website says you can do it in an urban environment, which my daughter would prefer and I would feel better letting her go alone on. I feel unsafe letting her go into the middle of nowhere with kids who are very cliquey and leave her out. The expedition also was said to take place in June, which I think is stupid cos of the risk of fainting, burns, insect bites/stings, heat stroke, especially dangerous using fires/gas stoves. I would rather she goes in the autumn or winter. She also is not allowed her mobile phone, or allowed to see me at any time of the day.

I have now withdrawn from doing this Centre`s expeditions as I do not think they are appropriate for my daughter. I have looked into Private Expeditions, but these are for teenagers who are generally disabled, and use boats or other "cheat" methods of transport which my teen is not happy about using. No where seems to offer urban/suburban/coastal routes with minimum elevation. I then suggested to the centre doing our own Expedition with 3 friends, in an urban environment, and apparently you need a trained and qualified Assessor and Supervisor (not parent or under 18). Sometimes I wonder if its worth doing the DofE at all, the only reason we are doing it is because my daughter received incredibly poor GCSE results in summer 2025, cant be bothered to resit them, and she needs equivalent qualifications to show an employer or give her a chance of getting a decent job.

Any ideas what to do? And have you faced similar?

Yes YABU. It sounds like you are basically
trying to cherry pick this and run it for her. When the whole point of DofE is that she should be managing it herself.

I think that SHE WNBU to be placed with a different group of people if these girls are awful, but are they really that bad? Has she tried to gel with them? Or has it all been a bit passive aggressive, my way or the high way?

All of the other stuff is U, most people do DofE in a national park (isn’t there a minimum climb/ terrain requirement for gold?), and in the early summer. Because you can’t really take a group of kids in rough terrain in autumn or winter. I did mine in the Brecon Beacons and it was awful, even in late May. But honestly it does sound like you’re just trying to make it easy for her. I’d get signed up for a new group and help your DD work on her fitness, especially climbing with weights on her back.

My daughter did her gold and silver expeditions in Snowdonia, both in named storms. Also her waterproof coat refused to be waterproof and her boots fell apart on Cadair Idris. What ever she does now she says "at least it's not as bad as D of E". When we went to Buckingham palace, the speakers had done their expeditions in Oxfordshire, lightweights.

Grades are a pre-requisite. Extra-curriculars are a positive addition to have on top.

Extra-curriculars will never make up for lack of grades. The CV wouldn’t even be considered, tbh.

Also even if she does manage to do this it is in no way going to be a replacement for her GCSEs. I’d be tempted to encourage her to finish the gold but focus much more in the short term on getting her back into college or on to some other course, like functional skills or something vocational. Or saying she has to go and get a job.

DofE was always useful for personal development and something good to refer to in a personal statement. Never a replacement for GCSEs.

Shows resilience and persistence in a job market where many people seem to have the inability to stick to something difficult.

She's doing it because she can't be bothered to resit her exams.

Do employers really care? I had all three awards and I agree with a PP that it was pointless from a CV perspective. Great fun though.

I agree. I am a hiring manager and can’t say that DoFE has any weighting in hiring decisions. Voluntary work is more impressive, but she ideally needs to re-sit some of her exams

I’m struggling to believe this can be real. Land your helicopter woman! Your daughter is 18 (although not sure how if she only sat her GCSE’s last summer… or were they a resit?) and an adult. This level of babying is crazy. You shouldn’t be involved beyond buying her the equipment that she needs.

DofE is definitely not going to help her in place of actual qualifications to get a job. She needs to sit her GCSE’s again and give them her full focus. What does she want to do in life? It may be that vocational courses would be better for her.

But the real issue seems to be that she’s lazy. She can’t be bothered to put the work in for anything it seems. It sounds like it’s you driving all of this to be done.

😂😂😂😂😂 um, well yes - quite possibly?!

Especially with AI she’ll be screened out of job applications if she hasn’t got at least a 4 in Maths and English, before they even get to extra- curriculars. She needs to resit her exams. Or if not, find a way to support herself. Focus on this, not fighting with DofE assessors.

the only reason we are doing it is because my daughter received incredibly poor GCSE results in summer 2025, cant be bothered to resit them, and she needs equivalent qualifications to show an employer or give her a chance of getting a decent job Your DD is being a bit of a lazy mare and it sounds a bit like you’re enabling her to avoid anything that might be a bit difficult or uncomfortable.

Any ideas what to do? I’d say putting an almighty great big rocket up her arse would be the first thing to do. She needs to understand that life is going to be very difficult for her once she leaves education because you will not be subsidising her. Her choices are studying, training or working. That’s it.

You can absolutely get heatstroke in the UK in summer. These recent June temps have been hotter than many July temperatures- the lass is out of shape and overweight. This could potentially create a serious issue on any expedition like a Gold DofE

SAS men die on Pen-y-Fan selection route

These experienced men died - yes, the selection route and time by which they must complete it with full equipment is difficult but they were incredibly fit and well trained.

Firstly my condolances!
I did D of E to midway silver and then gleefully gave up once I got my uni offers.

these are for teenagers who are generally disabled, and use boats or other "cheat" methods of transport which my teen is not happy about using

Honest feedback: My first thought is given she has crap gcses and cant be arsed to resit maybe she needs to be a bit more flexible and just focus on the end goal (just getting the sodding thing).

It's 4 days and 3 nights - just suck it up and get it done.

She should really resit shes fucking herself over by not bothering

Sure, if your organisation only attracts applications from candidates with shocking GCSEs then looking at extra-curriculars makes sense, after all you've got to fill the roles somehow.

Yes, definitely. I was replying to the poster who said they didn’t see the point of DofE. It’s a good way to differentiate the CVs of candidates who all have similar grades. In the OP’s daughter’s situation I wouldn’t employ someone with DofE but no exams.

My 14 year old daughter has just done her bronze dofe expedition and it was a hilly hike in the Cotswolds where they had to navigate and camp etc - And I did similar in the Peak District when I did my bronze and silver 30 years ago.
I don't understand how you could jump straight into gold dofe without researching what the expedition involves - a walk through a city is just not the same.

Yes me too. I was merely pointing out DofE is a good differentiator when you have applicants with the same grades, and was replying to the poster who said they couldn’t see the point of doing it.

I’m not sure the expedition you’d like exists, it’s meant to be a challenge. I’m not sure why your child needs accommodating in a different way to the other young people taking part, unless she has additional needs you haven’t mentioned?

You’re also focusing your efforts in the wrong place. DofE gold isn’t a substitute for having poor qualifications. I’m primarily looking for core skills like Maths and English as well as a good attitude and enthusiasm. Resilience could be demonstrated with DofE gold or a year of two working somewhere soul crushing like Primark or McDonalds.

The only way it might help is if your daughter effectively used it as an example of teamwork / overcoming challenges. But you really need to encourage her to get her basic qualifications and be independent, that’ll help her a lot more than DofE.

Exactly this. You say she got her poor results in 2025, which sounds late for an 18 year old but I am sure there were reasons. What has she been doing since? Is she still in some form of education?

Forgive me for saying so, as I am sure you are a loving and caring parent, but you do seem to be micromanaging her life for her, at 18 she is an adult and needs to be making decisions and effort for herself. If she is not in education then she needs to be working. Maybe a couple of years doing boring , no qualifications, entry level work will inspire her to try to get some GCSE grades.

Agree with this

She’s 18 fgs. You need to stop fussing. She’s Old enough to move out, get married, travel the world by herself. It’s meant to be very hard - if it wasn’t hard then everyone would do it.

Just to add, both my DS have dine their Gold expedition. Both in peak district. This is a typical location and it's often warm and they never have phones or whatnot. That's the whole point.
She shouldn't have such bad problems so check her boots and equipment. Does she have decent walking socks? Absolutely essential.
Getting into a decent group is clearly the problem as this group sound horrid and the centre should have dealt with that.

D of e should take her out of her usual eg urban and into unfamiliar eg peak district. That is the poimt! She may be able to use her experiences in interviews STAR examples eg coping with difficult people and managing in a team and deal8ng with disagreements
But she needs basic gcses unless SEN L D
Dont suggest october or february without proper winter gear

I’d say putting an almighty great big rocket up her arse would be the first thing to do.

First thing is to cut the apron strings. Or as pp put it, land the helicopter. OP is all 'I' and 'we'. I have now withdrawn....we are doing it because.....

Yes, then put the rocket up her arse. She's an adult, time for her to take responsibility for her own life. (But possibly she's never been given the chance.)

The issue is OP isn’t really looking for DD to dig deep, work hard and overcome the challenges of D of E, which is the whole point of it.

She just mistakenly thinks it will mitigate her DD’s crap GCSE’s which she refuses to resit, or replace with anything else.

It sounds like you’re enabling your dd. For blisters, try twin skin and preventative blister stick. I bought my almost 18yo dd both. Unfortunately she has anorexia and albeit semi recovered, she lacks the stamina, otherwise she’d have her gold now having easily completed bronze and silver.

I would say your dd needs to improve her fitness before attempting the expedition. So I’d get her into college and continuing to practice. Otherwise swap to silver expedition.