AIBU to think my parents are ignorant & somewhat racist ???

[ForCyanShaker]

DH and I are both mid 40s. We moved to Dubai nearly 18 years ago for jobs, what was meant to be temporary became permanent, and we’ve built our lives here. We are still British, still expats, but very settled.

Our children were both born in Singapore as we were there for work for a while too. They’re British citizens but have never lived in the UK. We visit 6 or so times a fear. Frequent enough for them to somewhat know England or at least know where DH and I are from/grew up. They’ve done all the sightseeing, London eye, Scotland, Wales, Cotswolds, Cornwall etc they’ve been UK

They attend an international school here which is academically strong and well regarded. It’s also affiliated in various ways with UK private schools and a lot of the teaching staff are British. It follows a fairly rigorous curriculum, and many students go on to UK universities.

But the reality of the school is that it’s very international, as you’d expect. Their friendship group includes children from England, Scotland, America, Barbados, Bermuda, South Africa, Australia, India and many other countries. That’s just their normal.

We recently sent my parents a school class photos because they asked for it. My parents’ reaction really shocked us. They focused entirely on the fact it “doesn’t look English” and that there are “so many non-English children” in the class. My mum said she found it upsetting and that it made her feel sad for my sons.

We’ve also had similar reactions to other things. We sent a photo from my eldest son’s birthday recently around 20 children at a party here. Again, instead of being happy, the comments were about how it must be “just rich international kids” and that this isn’t a normal upbringing, and that we should be coming back to England.

The same narrative keeps coming up: that the children are “barely English anymore”, don’t sound English, don’t understand England properly, and that we’re somehow denying them a “proper British childhood”.
Even the accents get mentioned, they don’t have traditional English accents, more of an ‘international school’ accent despite DH and I having very southern England accents , which apparently is another concern.

What I struggle with is that from our perspective, none of this is negative.
My children are happy, confident, well educated, and very comfortable around people from all backgrounds. They don’t really think in terms of nationality in the way I grew up doing. They just see friends.

They are very well travelled, have lived this international lifestyle all their lives, and are completely at ease in multicultural environments. I actually see that as a strength rather than something missing.

But my parents seem to view it as a loss, like they’ve ended up with grandchildren who are somehow less “British” than they expected, and that this needs correcting by moving back.

They’re also very keen for us to return to the UK permanently, offering to buy us a house in cobham, but we simply don’t want to. I grew up in cobham, I don’t want to live there now. We have a good life here, we feel safe, the children are thriving, and we’re not ready to leave.

I grew up in Surrey and part of me does remember how small and insular things could feel, and I don’t think I want to go back to that for my children.

I feel guilty because I understand they miss us and want us closer, especially as they get older. But I also feel frustrated that everything about our children’s lives here is being framed as “wrong” or “less British”.

First it was ‘when are you two going to have children’ now I don’t think they love our children. They’re not willing to accept them. They’re still young, we can move back to the England and they’ll get an English accent but we don’t want to and also why does it matter. There’s more things my parents have said. Another example that really pissed me off was along the lives of what if one of the boys bring home a girl that isn’t English. Why does it matter??? It’s a disgusting way to view the world.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid

Hope that helps.

You are not being unreasonable and their comments are out of order.
I guess you live a lifestyle that is totally alien to them so they cannot understand how you can possibly be truly happy.
They don’t have anything in common with their Grandchildren, totally different lifestyles, opportunities, friendships etc
It’s not an excuse, but some people are a product of their time. My Grandmother grew up in rural Southwest England, surrounded by labourers and farm workers.
I remember my Sister taking her best friend to visit our Grandmother when she was back visiting from uni. Her friend was black and from London (a place our Grandmother had never been to).
My Grandmother stared at her the whole time and asked her when she was from, and was totally confused when the reply was London.
She would be classed as racist now because of some of her comments but she was just ignorant of the world that she had no experience of.
I’m not sure how old your IL are, however I think your just going to have to ignore the comments about your life, non British children, they don’t understand why you haven’t chosen to stay here and can’t imagine leading a life that is different to the ones they have had.

I agree they’re no more ‘racist’ than any parents from other countries who worry their children (adult or not) are becoming too ‘westernised’ and forgetting their heritage when they move to the UK. It’s just how it is. Some nationalities have far more extreme views about Western permissive culture and people, and extreme reactions to their children adopting a Western lifestyle. Are they racist too, everybody calling OP’s parents racist?

Looks pretty weird to me.

(In case not obvious from my username, I know that world pretty well)

Even in the 90s, in some UK schools, a white child would have been in the minority, so if you're just judging by skin colour, would this be classed as a non-British school? You can't really tell by looking at my children's class who is British (however you choose to define that!) by looking-some of the children of mixed heritage would have had family here hundreds of years ago, and some of the white children have recently come to the UK.
If your parents have some issues or worries about Dubai, or more the fact that they're not seeing their grandchildren, this is what I would discuss with them, then lead on to the hurtful racism, OP. People can change and improve-those who once made racist comments can become better. Before anyone says some won't, that's true, but we should all do what we can, and talk to people, to make things better and challenge racism.

You’re in your 40s, of course your school photos will be predominantly white, so were mine in the 90s but things have changed. I live in with south east and my kids school is very multicultural now. I don’t think your parents sound particularly racist, old fashioned sure. They’re English, clearly proud of it and want their grandkids to be English. Maybe they feel disconnected in some way with the lack of British culture. Not necessarily right of them but I do think you’re being harsh.

What makes you think I haven’t tried to come to an understanding. It’s been multiple occasions and I have kindly told them the comments are necessary and are quite weird. The obsession of who is in my friends class. Little do they know some of my sons teachers are British at all is that a bad thing ? American maths teacher, Australian English teacher, Swiss Pe teacher, Barbadian science teacher.

I don’t want my children thinking those comments are okay ? I want my child to bring whoever they want home. As long as they’re not a criminal and they treat each other well why does it matter if they’re not English ?

The comment about your child bringing home a 'foreign' partner is pretty unforgivable. But I agree with the posters who think that the grandparents are getting sad about the lack of connection, and of not having the kind of shared experience that leads to that connection.

Your life and your children's is very 'other' to them, and I think there's a genuine struggle going on for them with that.

I'm glad you challenge them when they say this stuff though. My nephew recently married an Indian woman, and a very elderly relative commented on her skin colour, which was pretty shocking.

I think your parents have probably always held racist views. Years ago, people were just a bit more careful about saying them out loud. Things like Brexit, Boris Johnson's leadership, Nigel Farage's influence, and the rise of more overt nationalism seem to have made some people feel these opinions are more socially acceptable to express.

Next time they bring it up, I'd ask them what they actually mean by "Britishness". You can't tell whether someone is British just by looking at a photo. The British Empire stretched across every inhabited continent and included hundreds of millions of people from all sorts of backgrounds.

I think what they're really reacting to isn't whether someone is British, but whether they're white.

I also find this strange. I wonder if the kids will feel they belong nowhere when they're older. It seems similar (to me) to the situation of British people born in India during the days of the Raj when they could actually be the second or third generation born in India and still called the United Kingdom "home" but had never actually been there - and hated it when they did finally go.

Mumsnet love to put the boot into anyone seen as right wing and will jump at any suggestion of racism. It's either the demographic here or the effect of hiding behind a keyboard and username.
I suspect a big part of this is that your parents live in a much smaller world than you do. As we get older many people become more "small c" conservative and it sounds like they live in a very white middle-class world with no experience of the wider horizons your family see. I think you need to have a serious conversation with them and make it clear those attitudes are not what you aspire to for your children
Quite a few of my DCs friends have moved to Dubai and, personally I think your life there sounds far better than most people have in the UK with the proviso that your children need to have a secure sense of where they belong. I have a dear friend, now in her 70s, who grew up abroad and has struggled with a lack of belonging her whole life

That’s true but my cousins children are 2 years older than mine and their school photos are completely white in Surrey nothing wrong with that. But not everywhere in England is multicultural even now in 2026. I haven’t lived in England in a long time but I think it’s mainly cities where it’s very multi culture.

Where is the lack of British culture ? My children are British that’s the only citizenship they have. They are very much intertwined with England. During the last World Cup my eldest was so happy to go to Qatar and watch an England gap, he was proud to wear his football kit and proud to have the flag painted on his face. They’re children I don’t see any issue with them having teachers from different countries so far it’s been Australia, Barbados, Switzerland, America etc.

I don’t think I’m being harsh for being upset at my mum for saying to me what happens if my son bring home someone who isn’t English. Personally I wouldn’t care if my son was ever with someone not English. What is the big deal ? I married an English man who sees things the way I do. We don’t have an issue with our children having friends from all over the world. They’ll grow up very enriched, they’re well travelled and are open minded.

I personally would class that as racist. Maybe OP’s GPs are racist.

But what they’ve actually said is not “those classmates are lesser becuase they aren’t English”, but “those classmates are different because they aren’t English” and seem to worry that the children are losing touch with their heritage and with the GPs’ culture.

That’s not the same thing in my book.

I also think (as someone who’s done something fairly similar to OP) it’s not a silly thing to be worried about.

Plenty of things great about being an expat. But the erosion and changing of a ‘home’ identity is real too. Being English (or any other identity) is more than either passport or race, which is what the GPs seem to realise.

I was brought up in a very international ex pat lifestyle - had a brilliant childhood.

Now in my 50s - there are the odd regrets. I can not honestly call anywhere my home - the place I call home, as in the place I lived the longest as a child and loved is not my hpme - I stick out like a sore thumb and I get the inevitable question of you are not really from there, where are you from questions.

I am British and a few other nationalities - and for each one people will say what part of GB, X, y and z are you from - it is not a question I can answer because I do not know.

It is a conundrum that I dont think you get unless you are an ex pat child. My parents two different nationalities would both call us x nationality but we were not, we did not have the same values , knowledge of the country we allegedly came from. It is very hard to explain to anon ex pat child.

I feel for you OP it’s sad that your parents have these views and also can’t see what a wonderful life you’re giving your children. Continue to challenge them and expose them to the life your family leads. On another note it’s important we are self reflective too, I would encourage you to have a read and think about the term ‘expats’ and some of the bias that holds x

Because 16 year old me didn’t care if they said “don’t have children unless you’re married” 16 year old me was ignorant. I grew up in a village in Surrey. I will give the younger version of me grace. Growing up I didn’t hear them say anything racist but it was a village they were just very traditional in their views like the example I’ve given.
I didn’t get a whiff of their racist views as a child but I’m not going to beat myself for it. I genuinely don’t remember them saying anything racist. My father was a doctor and he worked in a practice that was owned by an Asian man they’re still friends to this day so it’s sad to hear some of the things they’ve said to me in regards to my children.

Of course you can. But there’s always going to be people who struggle to read more than three paragraphs of the most vital information, let alone your GCSE results.

I think your parents envisioned you living a few streets away and having a couple of children who would attend the local school and come to theirs for Sunday lunch. And instead they’ve got two little international jetsetters with accents they don’t recognise with friends whose names they don’t know and lives they don’t recognise. I can see why they’d be sad about that because it’s just so alien to them. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there was an element of worry that your DC would think they aren’t exciting enough, or that they don’t have anything in common with them, because as much as your DC have travelled throughout Britain, and are British citizens, they’ve only ever really been tourists here. Much of our culture is going to be completely alien to them.

Nothing in your original post suggests to me that your parents are racist. It sounds more as though they simply have a different perspective on what makes a good upbringing.
From what you've written it seems you're giving your children a wonderful childhood. Equally, your parents probably believe they gave you one growing up in the UK. Neither approach is inherently better or worse; they're just different.
It's also worth remembering that every parenting decision involves trade-offs. If you choose private education, your children may benefit from smaller classes and greater opportunities, but they'll have less exposure to the full cross-section of society. If you raise your children with significant financial advantages, they'll enjoy opportunities that others don't, but it may be harder for them to fully appreciate how fortunate they are.
Likewise, raising children in an international environment can be a fantastic experience. They'll likely become more culturally aware and adaptable. On the other hand, they may not grow up with the same deep-rooted sense of local community or national identity that children raised in England often develop.
Perhaps your parents express these thoughts clumsily, or in a way that comes across as critical or insensitive. But based on what you've shared I don't see that as evidence of racism.
More broadly, I worry that we're becoming too quick to label disagreements over culture, identity, or upbringing as racism. Genuine racism exists and should be challenged, but using the term to describe every uncomfortable cultural difference risks diluting its meaning and making constructive conversations more difficult.

My mother is a person of colour and an Immigrant. My dad is a white Yorkshire man.

I don't actually think your parents are racist.

I think they miss you and the children.
I live just down the road to cobham in Weybridge, I didn't grow up here though. I grew up in Stamford, which is a very small British town. I think I had a wonderful English childhood. I believe your parents just probably want the same for their grandchildren and can't see the bigger picture, they probably feel like they're really missing out on the grandkids everyday life.

I also don't think it's racist to have a preference on what country your children or grandchildren marry into. I have foreign friends that would prefer for their children to marry into the same background as them .

(a) Your parents are racists and probably always have been
(b) You’re not expats, you’re immigrants since you have no desire to return to the UK any time soon

Okay ?

I was under the age of 18 when they would say things like don’t have children before you’re married etc they didn’t say anything racist at that point. Maybe when I was 5 but how would I know or even have the language or education to call them out on it.

I am 44 now I believe people can do what they want with their lives such as have children before marriage or get nose piercings those were the sorts of views they have when I was growing up. I didn’t find them as harmful as now saying to me “what will you do if your son brings home someone who isn’t English” but maybe they were but at 16 I wouldn’t have dared to call out my parents but now I can. I don’t want my children hearing such things and hypothetical ideas about who they will bring home. I don’t care who they bring home so long as they’re not a criminal.

They don't understand different experience and ways of life. My own parents cannot countenance that anyone does anything differently from them and anyone who does do anything differently is weird. That includes me as an independent adult! It's an extension of that. I suspect your parents think being British is the be all and end all and can't see how a different upbringing can bring different advantages. They are insular.