AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

[ChantsHinch]

My daughter has just finished school and fingers crossed joins uni in September. My husband said he will pay for uni €2,500 per year (we're in ireland) and that's it. He will not pay for anything else. She lives at home so a roof and food is pretty much it. He said she's an adult and needs to get a job if she wants anything else. Im all for the job, I think its good regardless. I just think this is really harsh and just wondering what other families are doing? It feels like he's cutting her off. Example, our young daughter just joined the gym and were paying for it but he said shes an adult now and can pay for herself.
Ps. We both earn good salaries

I would give her money for buses, books, and her phone. She should get a job for the fun stuff, and I would help out with rest. So if she needed a new winter coat I'd probably give her budget. Getting a job and being good with her money will teach her as much as uni.

I think things are very different in the UK due to student loans. But I think in your shoes I would give money to cover things like lunches/ travel, what my Dad used to call "walking about money". I'd probably pay for phones and similar

I don't think there's any wrong or right. As long as she has food, accommodation, and any college supplies she might need, it's up to ye whether you want to give her extra.
Is she entitled to any grant?

We pay for bus fares, food when at uni (meal deal sandwich typically), toiletries, , phone, contact lenses, dentist, haircuts, low key socialising, some clothes (mainly as I love fashion so buy things for her, she doesn't ask for anything and if she wants something specific buys it herself). This is because she hasn't taken out a loan for living expenses with our agreement. We also cover family holidays but she pays herself if going with friends with her own money from wages or gifted money from family.

He’s a bit mean, yeah she is technically an adult , but an adult in education.

Both of our children have gone to uni (both did stay at home s we have many amazing universities within a 30 minute car journey) however we paid for laptops, mobile phone contracts , books etc and gave them money too. They both did work in part time jobs however both didn’t work for their final year as we felt they needed to put more focus on uni than working to get the best grade they could.

id still give her “pocket money” .

Is she eligible for a grant? https://www.susi.ie/ If she is and will be getting free accommodation and food then he is not being totally unreasonable. The parents I know are mostly happy to give their children more than that, the exceptions being mostly those on low incomes.

We preferred to fund our child rather than them having a ridiculously expensive loan. We expected them to work for some of the fun stuff so they were not totally spoilt.

I think DH is being unnecessarily harsh here.

I would still give her money if I could afford it.

We paid for our children whilst at uni, their maintenance loan is based on our household income. They are "adults" but still in education so we treated it like we did when they were at school.

I would wonder why your Dh is so mean. Why so tight fisted? This isn't someone who dropped out of school and has no job or focus in life, she is going to university. I would give her pocket money. I say that as someone who had no money at uni, I really struggled and it does taint the experience.

This is what we did,

although jobs don't come instantly i think.it was a November after leaving school that my eldest got a job was a Christmas temp but she was kept on part time, so we gave her money here and there.

Your husband is being unrealistic @ChantsHinch and a bit unfair if you want to pay her gym membership until she gets a job that is totally acceptable imo.

What jobs are available around her university hours?
There don't seem to be many jobs in England for young people even part time ones.
So if she doesn't find a job what then?
We did still give pocket money to ours at uni.

Is your husband her father?

Unless money is really an issue - then it's a bit bloody bleak.

Don't pay for uni now = child moves abroad to work later in life and you don't get to see any GC much..

My (50+) friends who's parents were not generous remembered this for the whole of their parents natural lives..

Does DH have any kind of education, or does he not believe in things "on paper"

What course is she doing? If she has a lot of contact hours at university then I'd help her out more than if she had very few hours.

He sounds really mean, though, especially given you both have enough money. Do you have separate accounts?

I think if you both have good jobs, he is being mean. We still pay for a lot for our uni student. Phone, weekly pocket money, uni accommodation. They do have a job too. But to cut off all funds at that age is mean if you do have money.

I don’t know the Irish system, but my son has just finished uni in England. He had a student loan which covered his tuition fees and his rent, and a little bit left over (but not much). I pay for his phone. And during term time I gave him £70/week. I don’t give him money in the holidays, but obviously I then cover the cost of food etc.

God I wish I’d been a Uni student in these modern times 🤣

Back when I went to Uni 20 years ago I lived at home, I had to work for anything I wanted/needed and still give my parents rent 🤣 Same for my DH.

If our kids go to Uni I imagine I would take your approach OP, whereas my husband would probably take the same stance as your husband.

You probably weren't paying £10k a year in tuition fees though. Different times.

When I went to uni and my brother, my parents paid nothing. We were told to get jobs and support ourselves, they weren’t money strapped either. Your dh has a point she’s an adult she needs to support herself. Fair enough for books or kitting her uni accommodation out with a microwave etc but otherwise I do agree.

I agree. (Although fees are much lower in Ireland I believe.)

I would give her pocket money but ease off when she gets a part time job

Surely this should be a joint decision rather than your husband just dictates. Is this a recurring pattern OP?

We paid £5k a year towards accommodation and gave DD £200 a month plus paid her phone contract,

Do You and your husband have separate finances? He seems to have decided what he will do with his money. Can you decide how you support her separately?

If you can afford it, helping out with transport and clothes and a bit of social if is normal. She can and should also get a job over the summer.

But the main question her is why your husband thinks he has final say

Her Dad is being mean. Her full-time ‘job’ is to be a student. She needs to be able to focus on that without feeling she has to support herself independently. If she is doing any course with high contact hours or labs, she realistically can only work in holiday time. If she’s on a course with low contact hours but lots of reading/projects, she still needs to allocate 35-40 hours a week to being a student.

She will need a laptop, books, stationery, club subscriptions, and to have a life. Can she get summer work to build up savings for herself? But ultimately she needs to be supported and he’s just being mean (and putting it all on you.)

We gave ours money even though they both worked in the holidays.
We still give DC2 £200 a month and he left university last year.

DD worked and saved most of what we gave her - but having the cash meant she could focus on her studies and only take work when it suited her

I guess it depends on the child though - she still is very financially savvy - unless your child is a spendaholic I would be supporting them