AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

[ChantsHinch]

My daughter has just finished school and fingers crossed joins uni in September. My husband said he will pay for uni €2,500 per year (we're in ireland) and that's it. He will not pay for anything else. She lives at home so a roof and food is pretty much it. He said she's an adult and needs to get a job if she wants anything else. Im all for the job, I think its good regardless. I just think this is really harsh and just wondering what other families are doing? It feels like he's cutting her off. Example, our young daughter just joined the gym and were paying for it but he said shes an adult now and can pay for herself.
Ps. We both earn good salaries

I deposit £25 per week into DD’s account. DH does the same. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a vast amount but allows her a measure of flexibility. She sometimes even spends it on the train fare home.

I did what I could for both my DDs when they were at Uni. They both had part time jobs, but I still helped them, so they didn’t worry about paying rent and bills, so they had money to spend on themselves and enjoying life, never regretted it.

We started our DD on £20/week pocket money when she started at secondary school, the idea being it was enough to have lunch at school every day with a little left over or take packed lunch (she made it but we provided the ingredients) and keep the £20. She’s about to graduate and is still getting the £20 every week - she said at times it really helped as no matter how over budget her weekend, she had money to buy food on a Monday. I’ve jokingly said we’ll carry it on forever, —dh disagrees— but realistically as she has no job, it wont stop any time soon. This was separate to the uni support we provided by paying her rent so she could live off her student loan (we also pay for her phone)

And is it that easy for a teen to find a job where you live? Mine, like most of her friends, has been looking for work all through TY and 5th year and has only found 2 short term positions lasting a couple of weeks. The only ones that have found work are those that found something through family connections

Absolutely not.
This is an appalling attitude
Wtf is wrong with people.

Then, at 21 (or older if a longer course), they will be applying for jobs along with people who do have experience at

• working with the public
• managing their time / turning up when they should
• dealing with managers and colleagues
• working as part of a team with people of all ages
• willingness to commit to the work contract eeven when other distractions are more attractive

Part of our role as parents is to help provide our dc with all sorts of skills, and working gives young adults all sorts of soft skills that are useful when they come to apply for jobs after University.

Working with the public - volunteering with the homeless charity. Volunteering with the breakfast club in uni food drive.
Doesnt need a pt job to demonstrate this.

Managing time - clearly able to demonstrate within their volunteer work, sport training, just by getting the degree.
Doesnt need a pt job to show this.

Managers and colleagues.
See above.

Working as a team.
See above.

A willingness to stick to something and not being distracted?
Now youre just being rediculolus.

Its entirely possible to land very very good jobs in their chosen field withiut having worked a pt job.
Many many ways to show life skills besides a job in some pub.

I’m in Ireland. I was in uni 20 years ago. I had a friend who lived with her parents in the same circumstances so no food or bills to pay for. They gave her 350 euro a month at the time and she’d to get her bus money out of that. Enough for incidentals and then a job for any fun money. However I would say casual jobs aren’t that easy to get any more whereas in the old days we could nearly choose. I think cutting her off completely is mean. The uni years are a buffer where you learn these things. Her job for now is being a student so she can have good opportunities in a few years.

@Doteycat I agree with all the examples you've given, but in this instance, it does sound as if she'll need to get some sort of paid work.

@ChantsHinch Your DD might want to look into jobs at her university. My DD mentors first and second-year students, plus she's working on a research project. Just a few hours each week during term time. We cover her living expenses, but this gives her a little extra and looks good on her CV.

Edit to say that my DH was less generously inclined than I was when DD started uni as he'd had to work throughout his degree. Once she landed her first job there through sheer determination, he changed his mind. You have to push for research experience as an undergraduate, but once you prove yourself, more can come your way. Good luck to your DD, it's an exciting time!

yes she’s an adult. But she’s in fulltime education. Is your husband not her father ? He’s being very mean.
my parents paid for everything for me whilst I was at uni and I will forever appreciate it. I was able to study and achieve without financial worry. I will do the same for my own three children.

Most places now won’t take on under 18s I know friends and family members who have come up against the same issue. I remember Dunnes used to employ over 16
year olds as half of the sixth year at our local secondary were at the large Dunnes across from it but those days are gone. However that age issue won’t affect the OPs dd.

There is a balance between cutting your child off completely and utterly spoiling them. There is still generally work to be found in the holidays and despite the attempt to claim otherwise employers do like to see that students have had experience of working and with a variety of people. Those of my child's friends who had never worked were generally spoilt and had an attitude you'd need to knock out fast if you employed them.

It's easy to say get a job, but university is not a hobby it is a full time job. If she can get a job in the summer holidays it would be good, but she also needs a break too. If you can afford pocket money I would do it. My DD was living away from home and I did give her so much a term extra as spending money.

Is she going to be living at home with no rent/bills/food to pay for?

If so then thats fine. My DC live away from home and they have £1200 per term (£3600 per academic year) to live on but they have to pay for all of their food/bus fares etc out of that money as well as their socialising. We pay their rent directly.

If she's living away from home then that clearly isn't enough.

I would give her money if I were you. But I come from a family that the paid for everything till I finished my postgraduate studies (studies, accomodation, food etc). I was blessed that my parents could afford doing that. But I don’t think it has hinder me at all as an adult. Once I got my first job after postgraduate studies they stopped. I have a successful career now and I am very careful with money.

When our 2nd DS went to Uni we gave him £400 a month. He applied for the maintenance loan and got approx £6000 , this did not cover the rent on the uni halls, dining meal plan etc so we would also top up the extra on the termly bill ( sometimes by £1000)
He completed a masters so was at uni for 4 years, after 2 years he couldn't dine in the halls so we topped up the monthly amount to £600 for food etc
The degree study time was soo intense he couldnt get a job in any of the holidays, apart from the Summer after his final exams , he worked in a holiday camp near to us, cleaning caravans for the 6 weeks ( he loved it! )
He is extremely grateful for all our financial support, he studied hard, came out with a first class honours degree, he won some prizes each year, won a prize for one of his exam papers,
He’s now studying for a Phd, ( different Uni) he applied for a scholarship and got it so we dont tend to give him money soo much now,
We give him his travel costs when he comes home, pay for all his food when he’s home, he comes on holiday with us, we pay for that
His older brother pays for some of his “treats” so its a family effort
My DH didn't go to Uni, nor did I , both worked from age 16,
I couldn't imagine not supporting my children financially through Uni, I understand that if they can work whilst studying thats great but not all students have the time due to coursework demands.
When our DS came home he was constantly working on papers, the amount of files we have stored here !
Hope all that helps, a UK uni so different to your situation.

My Dd lived in halls and student housing, we gave her £220 per month on top of student loan, £20 oer month for laundry machines and £200 for food, going out etc. We didn't want her working during term time, but she did work full time in hols.

Is he her dad?

You are working and eating money so if you choose to give your DD support whilst she's in education that's up to you. If certainly be paying for her phone, Spotify, lunches, any education things like printing ink, paper, photocopying and maybe £100 per month for joining societies and being social. Your DH can choose not to support his DD but she will remember that choice he is making.

In our family all money is family money. If the DC need it , irrespective of ages. We help if we can. Why wouldn’t you? Our DC have never taken financial support for granted, but I’d far rather they had it now than (hopefully) decades down the line after we’re gone.

If your family had low wages (or if your daughter had no family) what grant/loan would she get? I think you should match this.Why should it be harder for your dc than for others?

When my 3ds went to uni in Scotland (no fees) the maximum cost of living loan was £4,000. At the same time the average term time living costs were £5,000. So somewhere students with no other access to funds were supposed to find £1000. That was the same principle that we applied to our dc.We paid £4k, they needed to work to fund the other £1k (and anything else they spent - I wasn't scrimping on our budget so they had beer money!).

Each dc took a different approach. One worked in every available job every summer, saved the £1k and could concentrate on their studies and socialising in term times. Another decided not to go down the uni route at all and got a job. Another partied all summer and got a part time job alongside studying. They also maxed dout their credit card and in final year were studying and doing 3 different part-time jobs.

I don't think the degree / life outcomes for them are any different between them, they have each found their own way to manage.

I give my DD an allowance 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t expect her to work while she’s studying but she’d like to be more financially independent so will probably will try to find something part time at some point. I pay her fees, her accommodation (she lives in a property that I own with roommates), her bills and travel costs. Why would your husband want your DD to struggle if you can afford to help??? I’m so glad I don’t have one of those 😂

This is what Martin Lewis warns about: in the UK.
Student finance assumes that parents still help their children out financially, while they study.
That is why, when assessing for maintenance grants, they take into account the parent’s income, whether they help their children out or not.
It’s amazing how many parents believe that they stop being responsible for their children immediately they turn 18.
There seems to be a meanness about some parents!
It would seem kind to help the children they loved and nurtured, while they are still financially vulnerable.

Does he want her to actually have time to do her degree or to have a half arsed attempt at it because she’s having to spend time earning money to live rather than studying? Which option does he think will be a better investment in the long run?

Why are you suggesting it is an 'either / or' situation ?

Plenty of people earn money around their studies and come out with 2:1s or 1sts.

the dd isn't being asked to 'earn money to live' in this case either. Her 'needs' are taken care of. This is about her having some incentive to get out and earn her own "pocket money" as it literally says in the title.