AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

[ChantsHinch]

My daughter has just finished school and fingers crossed joins uni in September. My husband said he will pay for uni €2,500 per year (we're in ireland) and that's it. He will not pay for anything else. She lives at home so a roof and food is pretty much it. He said she's an adult and needs to get a job if she wants anything else. Im all for the job, I think its good regardless. I just think this is really harsh and just wondering what other families are doing? It feels like he's cutting her off. Example, our young daughter just joined the gym and were paying for it but he said shes an adult now and can pay for herself.
Ps. We both earn good salaries

I wouldn't call it pocket money but an allowance.
What happens now? Presumably you give her some kind of allowance for clothes, toiletries, travel? What's the difference when she starts uni?
Ours didn't live at home but we gave them a monthly allowance for rent, food etc and paid it all through uni. If they got a job I still paid them because we could afford to. If you can't afford it that's different.

I teach at an Irish university. I run into my current and former students everywhere in the city — they virtually all seem to have PT jobs they fit around studying. I run into them in pubs, shops, gyms, cafes, various on-campus jobs like the library, and as there’s a strong culture of going home at the weekends, obviously lots of them have weekend jobs there. I’d say your daughter was in a very privileged position, being able to attend a nearby local university and live at home. Irish fees are low, but the accommodation crisis means many students are living at home and commuting long distances by car to campus daily because it’s cheaper than rent in their university town. She’ll find she’s in a privileged position compared to many of her friends. I’d certainly be encouraging her to get a job,

Hes being a tight ass.
What an unattractive trait indeed.
Why does he have the final say? Or does he?
Cos i wldnt be letting him tbh.
If ye can afford it, then why would he want to have money in his bank while his dd struggles? Plus, pt jobs are really hard to find right now. I know cos dd has tried. We support her financially fully and will continue to do so until she has a fulltime job. Which she is in track to do thankfully. As we did with our other dds.
Tbh id just tell him if he doesnt, then i will. And he can suffer the consequnces of having damaged the relationship between both him and i, and his dd and I. If u work he doesnt decide what you do with your money.
I cannot abide a man who thinks the deciding vote stops with him.
Support your dd. I gurantee you it will pay dividends in years to come. And i dont mean financially.

I had a part time job of about four hours a week because I wanted to be earning my own money - and so feel free to spend it as I chose, instead of with one eye on not wasting someone else's gift to me - but my parents also gave me a small allowance. They argued they wanted me to have time to study, rather than exhausting myself picking up extra shifts. This did make a huge difference to me, not having to choose between going to work or going to the library. I understand I was very lucky that my parents were in the financial position to do this, but it did really benefit me and it is something I'd like to do for my children.

Back when I went to Uni nearly 40 years ago my parents supported me because their income was too high for me to get a grant. My grandfather's parents had to pay fees and support him because there was no funded system in the 1920s, they could only afford for one child to go to University and as Dux at school he was probably eligible for some bursaries. Parents supporting their children at University is not some new fangled thing.

That said, I don't know what the eligibility rules for funding in Ireland are and I don't know what the expectations for parental contributions are.

If she isnt driving id get her leap card.
I would pay phone.
Keep on health insurance if ye have it.
Invest in a good laptop for her.
Give money for lunch etc.

Then

Encourage a summer job where she can horse as much money into her savings before September.
Open a CU account for emergencies.
Take advantage of student week for free stuff including student accounts being offered with money.

My son has just finished his college years now and this is what we did. There were occasional nights out, a suit to be bought to a ball etc but other than that she will be surrounded by people who are budgeting as well.

Your husband is a begrudger. Its unlikely your daughter qualifies for the grant and part time jobs are hard to come by. I never understand parents who can help their kids but choose not to.

He sounds harsh, unnecessarily so.
Nothing wrong with encouraging her to pick up a job as it helps with time management and really instills value for money.

But i would definitely be supporting her with other things, with extra too, until she has found something.

Does he think he gets final say over your money?
If he does that is controlling and abusive.

I have a daughter starting university in September and I cannot imagine my husband saying this.
I would think him an arsehole if he did.

I can understand not paying for the gym membership as she'll have access to the university sports centre from September, but we pay for DD's living expenses. She does have a very part-time research job at the university and is also working another job this summer. So she can pay when she goes out with her friends, etc.

When it comes to getting a job after graduating, having some experience from a job (either weekend or even holiday times) and balancing priorities would go a long way in my book.

Yes I agree Jobs are not easy to get, I would probably add with that in mind that teens can earn money at home doing jobs until they get themselves a job. My teens would rather be in bed than face the job market, I definitely found cutting off the money focuses the mind, however I'm not unfair and will happily give them money if they are trying to find work and volunteering at the same time.

When I went to uni (20 years ago) my parents gave me enough each term to cover food and books and a little bit extra to enjoy. My course was full-on and they didn't want me to have the stress of needing to earn alongside it, a job was an optional choice that I could drop if I needed to study more etc.
It wasn’t loads of money, I had to budget carefully, but I was happy to have the choice about work. If you can afford to, I think it’s a good approach.

Yeah we didn't begrudge them money we just wanted them to be motivated, we were a one income household so money wasn't always readily available.

That’s really tight. DM gave me £400 per month for food, clothes, books, travel, socialising etc on top of rent and utilities back in 1998 and I still used to work over summer to build up a buffer for the next year.

I think she’d need more that that. If she’s studying then work will be minimal and won’t cover much at all. You’d also want her to prioritise learning if you’re paying that much.

He’s a right tightwad. Is he mean with other things OP?

You might be better off re-posting this in the sub forum, Craicnet for relevant Irish experiences.

My friend’s DS is at Uni in Cork and cannot find a job in the city or in the countryside where his parents live. He’s got experience working in a local supermarket in his school summers but cannot get a foothold in the city as he has no family contacts there.

My own teen DS will struggle to get any paid work as he’s autistic and finds interacting with strangers very difficult. I’m dreading the thought of where he might live and funding the Uni years!

When I was in College 20yrs ago, it was standard that everyone had a job. You were an adult and you paid your way. Its part of growing up and learning how to budget money. Plus a great way to learn some life skills, how to deal with tricky people, responsibility and a bit of cop on.

My company has hired young graduates before. 22/23yr olds with degrees but not an ounce of common sense because they had mammy and daddy wiping their bums long into adulthood. Needless to say none of them passed their probation and we now actively avoid hiring any of them.

I know you mean we'll but youre doing her no favours.

Your company sounds dreadful.
My dds have had no issue whatsoever finding work after graduation. And we certainly didnt 'wipe their bums'. Clearly you have a toxic work environment.
Mine grew up with a mum and dad who run their own company and know very well how to manage their money. They learnt a lot more at the kitchen table than any pt job taught them. They also learnt about decent employers and whats toxic and what isnt.
If i ever referred to an employee like you did, they woul d be disgusted.

My student pays their own accommodation and tuition. We pay for food and a bit for going out. I send extra cash for special occasions.

Have you spent a fortune on her Leaving Cert holiday and grinds? Is DH planning to cover the enrollment charge and thats it?
DC are expensive and most post Leaving kids has jobs and commute to college, so your DH expectations aren't too unusual for Ireland. Seems a bit mean though.

I think University is a good time to be earning for herself and understanding the concepts of budgeting and making choices about how much you want to work / earn vs how much you want to spend.

It is very easy to make decisions when you are spending someone else's money, but it puts a different perspective on it when you realise those trainer or that gig "cost" 10 hours of working in a job you might not particularly be enjoying.

It is a good time to learn, whilst she still has the comfort blanket of being fed and housed, and any perceived 'foolish' choices she makes don't mean she won't be able to eat or have a roof over her head.

I'd feel I'd failed as a parent if I didn't encourage my adult dc to be taking some responsibility themselves.

Is he a stepdad?
are jobs available?
if students work too much their grades suffer and some drop out if they need to self fund too much.

btw when one of my relatives mentioned their kid was finding uni harder financially than expected I sent the teenager a £100 supermarket voucher. It was their first term, after that I expected them to get better at budgeting but the first term is always the most expensive.

Tell your husband he is meaner than some more distant relatives.

I felt that as studying is their main ‘job’, our kids should be provided with the basics - to me, that’s food, petrol/road tax etc (they have their own cars, otherwise it would be bus fares), phone, gym. They already have extensive wardrobes so they buy their own clothes and pay for socialising and holidays.

I would encourage the job she will probably find most friends at uni would have one . Get her earning a bit at least and if she runs out maybe top up with a allowance