AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

[ChantsHinch]

My daughter has just finished school and fingers crossed joins uni in September. My husband said he will pay for uni €2,500 per year (we're in ireland) and that's it. He will not pay for anything else. She lives at home so a roof and food is pretty much it. He said she's an adult and needs to get a job if she wants anything else. Im all for the job, I think its good regardless. I just think this is really harsh and just wondering what other families are doing? It feels like he's cutting her off. Example, our young daughter just joined the gym and were paying for it but he said shes an adult now and can pay for herself.
Ps. We both earn good salaries

Calm down @Doteycat . Did we let go one of your children? 🤣🤣

Theres nothing toxic about my job. Most of us have been here years and are a good supportive team. But it is fast paced and requires adults who can do the job without needing constant hand holding. Even after 6 months. Obviously not all graduates are lacking common sense but the few we've had had the maturity of teenagers not professional young adults. If thats not your children then there's no need to get so offended.

Might be because I'm working class, and this was 20 years ago, but my parent's entire contribution to my uni experience was two bags of food shopping once because I couldn't afford to eat (I also had a job). I think if you're also housing and feeding her it's fair that she gets a job for extras. Both DH and I are from humble beginnings but have good jobs now. We are saving for our kids on the quiet and will one day give them it for something big (house deposit etc). They will have privilege we could only dream of, but we will absolutely be making sure they work too. Savings are in our names so it won't automatically go to them if they don't pull their weight.

Not offended in the slightest.
Hit a nerve with you though.
And yes your tone and language is toxic.

But the OP's dc is going to be living at home and all her food is provided, and all rent / utilities being paid for by her mother.

The discussion is about whether the mother should be giving her money to go out / buy clothes or make up or have her nails done / pay for her social life / etc. The 'nice to have' extras in life, not the essentials.

Yes nice to have own money. My daughter did a bit of dog minding. I do think you can work too much then exams suffer. My friend said her son didnt work but focused on law exams. If he had job he wouldnt have time study. Fair point. He did really well. Its hard get hours too if u only want few hours work

I think it depends on your financial situation. I pretty much always worked through uni, sometimes FT. But being a single person carrying all the expenses of living alone (I recognise your dd lives at home, but still) can be expensive. My mum always helped me out with some spending money, even after I graduated and was working and living independently. It’s expensive out there. She could afford it and it was greatly appreciated so I didn’t have to live off pasta. I will do the same for my dc. Obviously, if you can’t afford, you can’t afford it, but if you have the money, there’s no point hoarding it just because you’re in a better position than her.

I live in Dublin with son just finished 1st year. Pretty much all his friends incl him have part time jobs. We pay for phone/gym but that is it. He lives at home.

My DD also starts uni in September and is also going to be staying at home. Her uni is near my work and on the opposite side of the road to where she went to sixth form so very little will change. We had an agreement that I more or less worked in the office on days she needed to be in sixth form and once she has her uni timetable I will do the same so she can hop in the car with me rather than having to get the bus. But she will still have bus fares occasionally so I will continue to pay for all
educational travel (if she wants to go into town outside of education she pays for that herself).

We will continue to provide all
food etc and we will
also continue to buy most of her clothes. She also has a small part time job (3 hours a week in term time, about 4-6 hours week for some of the school holidays) so if she wants to eat out, get extra snacks etc she can do so and pay for them herself.

We are fortunate that we can afford to do this, especially once her Child Benefit stops at the end of August.

She is taking a student loan for her tuition fees but we are hoping she won’t need to take a maintenance loan as she also has some savings to tide her over. It maybe she needs to take out a small maintenance loan if books/clubs etc begin to get out of hand.

I do think your DD should be looking for a small part time job while she is at uni - more for the work experience as that will stand her in good stead after uni.

She’s an adult. Everything should stop when she goes to uni. She needs a job to support herself.

One of mine drives my car, is out tomorrow with his girlfriend for her birthday so gave him some cash for lunch, and gave the eldest £100 of paint earlier. Honestly I am happy to help out. They are super lovely and we are still a team. Neither ever expect anything and are always super grateful. There have been times when we had no spare cash and they never grumbled and now I have it I have no interest in them struggling. Don’t get the point really, they know life is rough, how to graft and how to be responsible. Anything we can do to help each other is a good thing. I think your DP is a miserable arse.

Won’t she be working over the summer? I used to save like mad over the summer and not need to work term time.

I think it’s slightly course dependent as well… some courses are very busy, whereas others it’s easier to work a job around them. However, I lived at uni and was given a sum each month that was for food/bills etc but also meant I was able to spend some on going out etc. your daughter is living at home so doesn’t have this kind of budgeting option… I think it’s fair to give her some fun money if you can afford it! I didn’t work while at uni, nor did my husband, but we both worked in VI form and have always worked post-uni. I was too busy with voluntary work/societies and my husband has a full-on course as well as summer internships. I’m meaning that not having a part time job isn’t indicative of being feckless.

@JustGiveMeReason Bus fares or bicycle (we wouldnt have paid for a car), the odd book, phone, underwear, socks - those are not luxuries, nor is something for relaxation whether that is sport, cinema, music. Loads of drink, holidays, most new clothing - those they can fund themself.

Agree some courses very few hours. My dd in vetenary alot is placement hours not big windows to work. She in her dads for summer so bit money for her

I didn't work while at uni. But I worked in the holidays. Is your husband your daughters dad? I think m je is being unreasonable. Uni is still full-time education. My Dad paid my rent and gave me £45 a week on top of my loan.

We are very generous towards our Dds.
I feel that life is hard enough for them without us being so regimented with money . You do what feels right @ChantsHinch follow your instincts .

That is very harsh, jobs are increasingly hard to come by. Think of how she'll feel amongst peers.How will she afford travel, food during the day, books, basics.

We're planning for up to 2800 in fees, 250 a month for travel and an allowance of 150 to 200.

If she is sensible and spends it on her education and not drink/drugs etc I would (if I could afford it) be relatively generous and give an allowance for mobile, books/materials, clothes etc.

Student jobs are not hard to get in Ireland (Dublin) in my experience. My son’s friend group have jobs in the big supermarkets, Centra, coffee shops, restaurants, gyms, golf clubs, pubs. Cannot think of a single one of them who doesn’t have a job.

Not really, parents still expected to fund living due to the means testing of the maintenance loan

Pay for her food at home, and travel to uni. The rest she needs to get a job to cover.

If I had the means to financially support my adult child through university, and it meant they wouldn’t have to get a part time job, I 100% would. That way she can focus on her studies, placements etc (if the degree includes this). I think it’s nice to help if you have the means.

When my dc went to uni we gave them £200 per month for food/travel. They got jobs for fun stuff

My dd lives at home and has a job but I give her a bit of extra money. If I have money I’ll always give some to my children. They all work hard and I think it’s lovely to be able to bring something nice to their lives.

In England students living at home can still get a maintenence loan for up to £9000 to cover their living costs. So your DH's position seems quite mean in comparison. Personally I would still see her as a child in your household for financial purposes since she's still in full time education and cover all her needs as a minimum (i.e. clothes, travel, laptop, food, toiletries, medication) and something towards eating out, socialising, joining clubs, the gym or other sports etc depending on how much she can realistically earn from a job without impacting her studies.