AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

Resign from the MOH role with immediate effect. Life’s too short for all that BS.

You should talk the the bride. She doesn't want to be involved in any of it? How old is she? This sort of thing with a grown woman is just super infantilising.

Do you know if she'd prefer everyone be there or be somewhere nice? I don't know. You don't know. Just ask her. Why all this coy "oooo keep is a surprise for the wee blushing bride" stuff when she is probably in her 20s at least?

You didn’t mention in your OP that the bride is paying for food, did you?

You are doing all of the cooking? Is that for just one day/night?

I will never believe that all £300 per night hotels (if two are sharing a room anyway) are "grim". That's really 4-5 star hotel category and you can get half board or at least breakfast included. £250pp for a shred room excluding everything is just madness.

Everyone else shouldn't have to go to a shit hole because others can't afford anywhere decent.

What a lovely inclusive attitude. 'Poor' friends are such an inconvenience aren't they? 🙄

This.

No, I definitely should’ve. I said I would cook to keep costs down but thought that was enough to sign post! So breakfast will be help yourself, lunch we will do a picnic so like sandwich’s hummus salad etc. Dinner me and the sister were just going to make a simple pasta and chuck a few pizzas in, and then obviously snacks etc

Again, it’s not a hotel. Yes a hotel £150 is decent, but a hotel means hundreds on breakfast, lunch, dinner, activities. It bumps the price up massively. Self catered accommodation is more expensive up front, so we’re asking more of people now, but the costs when there are minimal

Its a shame that the event isnt just about a fun time together. Why would you not discuss with the bride s cheaper alternative.

The bride doesn’t need to know the location but she absolutely does need to be involved in the hard work of organising it all. She’s just being lazy imo handing it all over to the MOH with the excuse of wanting to be surprised.

I thought a hen do was about friends getting together to wish the bride well. Somewhat defeats the object if you exclude some of those friends.

Arrange the event to suit the person with the least ready cash. If the bride does not like it then shame on her. Either she wants her friends there or she doesn't - either she is a true friend or not.

When did all these wedding related events become so ridiculously self-indulgent and competitive?

The sentiment behind the event is what matters - not the spend.

It doesn’t need to be luxurious. I’d prefer to have everyone there, if it’s £250 for a shared room, adding in alcohol and dinners, you’re looking at 600 per person. It’s a bit much.

I don't think i would want to go on a forced holiday not of my choosing where I had to est simple pastas and supermarket pizzas the whole time but possibly not the point!

If the bride knows about providing food then why can you not discuss the issue with the accommodation being out of budget for some people?

there is no dinners, that’s what I’ve been saying. Everything is either minimal cost or absolutely free outside of accommodation. Yes I’m thinking of asking people to spend more up front now, but any cheaper that isn’t gross or impossible to get to is a hotel, at which point we’re asking people to spend hundreds on food alcohol activities etc, it ends up more expensive?

It’s not ideal I know, but it’s either that or add at least £150 each for people to buy food out

I think you are being really thoughtful op,cand striking a good balance. £250 pp for 2 nights including all food and activities, bar one, doesn't sound bad to me, for those flying in from a long way away. And I hate big hen dos!

Could you check with the two that said £100 - £150 for accommodation only if £250 all inclusive is possible. They may have kept their accommodation fees down expecting other costs too . . .

And then, once you have your answer,call to the bride! She needs to take some responsibility for the final decision,cif it's going to offend her friends. She needs to say whether she would rather all of her guests stay somewhere cheaper, or whether to compromise on the two who can't afford it (one of whom is local so could join you for the days, if she didn't want to stay)

Yes and also just because someone has said they're willing to spend up to £300, doesn't mean that's easily affordable for them, or that they'd be happy for part of that to be spent on someone else.

It might be a real stretch for them and it would be unfair for some of their spend to go on someone who only can't afford it because they're having another holiday.

Asking people to subsidise is just a minefield - don't do it.

I know the bride doesn’t want to be involved but sorry you cant. organise what she wants (location, type of event and guest list), so you do need to talk to her and work out which of these is thing she’ll flex on, if you chat to her and find out these two people were always “nice to have there but not core” then she might be happy to go ahead, or it could be these two people are very important to her and she’ll happily sacrifice location /type of event in order to accommodate those two.

talk to her.

I’m really trying my best honestly to consider everything. I really think this is the only way to give the bride as close to what she wants as possible while also being very cost conscious for other people, even though I will be asking them to pay more upfront.

I think that’s definitely what I’m going to do. I’ve also found a place for £200 but it’s 12 people, which would work as at the moment 3 people are maybes. Basically any time you get over 12 people the price shoots up because these are all big houses in high season

You 100% ignored! Its basic stuff. If you didn't know or understand at least start with google/AI if you're too embarrassed. I also NEVER said tell people what its costs, I said give three options and take it from there. Your ignorance unfortunately is not bliss for this hen do!

“Main character syndrome “ is fine it’s her bloody hen do ffs.

if people can’t afford it or don’t want to spend the money then they don’t go it isn’t difficult

Why are repeatedly ignoring people telling you to tell the bride?

Sorry this has upset you so much!

I literally just said “I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do”, in response to someone telling me to call the bride

Does it really have to be like this?

My assorted DDs did a number of things, ending up with a meal and some drinks: wild swimming, a hill walk, a jewellery workshop, a party in someone's house. Happy events with a genuine sense of care for each other and love for the bride.

All this materialistic stuff gives me the creeps and would do the same for my DDs.