AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

Thank God! She isn't a five year old believing in santa. The magic will not be ruined if you tell her what is going on.

At this point I know I will have to call her to tell her, I’m just going to wait for the 3 maybes to confirm whether they can come or not, and then I can give her all of the information to make a decision, and then I can go back to the guests so they’ve got all the facts to reduce back and forth confusion!

Ah classic response! I'm sorry for the upset to the bride and everyone else involved in your incompetence! You are clearly not!

I mean, personally I’d be glad to be excluded from having to share bedrooms as a grown adult for the modest price of £250pp, so maybe you’re doing them a favour.

It’s absurd.

Clearly not!

Do you want everyone to save money by sharing a twin bedroom, or do you want me to find own rooms for more money? It’s one or the other. I’ve already asked people what they prefer in terms of beds, everyone happy to share to keep cost down bar one person who’d prefer their own rooms

People didn't used to be this egotistical, though. They used to value seeing their friends above putting them all to a ton of expense. IMO it's actually really conceited to assume one's friends will be happy to drop hundreds of pounds just because one happens to be getting married. (And then hundreds again each time another friend gets married, presumably.) It might be 'her bloody hen do' but other people still have other things in their lives they need to budget for. They shouldn't have to be faced with the choice of putting themselves heavily out of pocket or being excluded from celebrating.

It baffles me that people just cave to these demands and the emotional blackmail that goes with them.

Inclusion isn't the be all and end all. There's a middle ground where they're not staying somewhere horrid.

You can't ask people to commit before they know how much, what the plan is, whether they are sharing bedrooms etc.

Or I suppose you can, but you are massively increasing the chances that people will drop out later. You need their buy in for this to go smoothly. .

Exactly, I agree. I have all of that information to give. But there is no way to give an accurate price UNLESS I have the buy in, which is why it’s so complicated. It’s alway going to change price pp based on who comes and who doesn’t That’s why I asked for budget first so I could come up with a plan that would be financially feasible for everyone to reduce the fluctuations of costs. Because imagine I said “hi everyone, it’s £250pp”. One dropped out bc out of budget. “Oh, it’s now £280pp. Everyone still good?” Then it about of another persons budget, and it goes on and on

You budget for the lowest amount. That’s a no-brainer.

Just to warn you OP we did a lovely barn conversion stay with DH for a milestone birthday, and there were 15 of us in total. The food shop was £400 and that wasn't for champagne and caviar, just ordinary food. This was for a 4 day weekend and we used probably 95% of it.

@CheekyTealFawn before you speak to the bride, if you feel you have a good sense of what the total costs pp are likely to be now, then it might be worth reaching out to all invitees with this amount and asking if they can to confirm whether this works for them. I think you need to draw a line under the "what's your budget?" conversation and change it to "this is how much it's going to cost, can you confirm if you're able to come?" - then you take this information to the bride.

FWIW I think it's worth you giving the amount of all 15 attend and the amount if only 12 attend, else otherwise you risk people saying "yes" on the basis of costs being split 15 ways. It's much also less annoying to be made aware of this upfront, than to be told a month before the event that everyone has to chip in an extra £50 because Angela/Pamela/Sandra have dropped out (we've all been there).

ETA: I've just seen your last post and it is very chicken and egg about the pp depending on who's in and who's out. For simplicity, I would say: If all 15 can attend it's £X each. If it's 12 (we have 3 TBCs) it's £X each but obviously if more people can't attend it gets more expensive so I need everyone to confirm by <insert date> if they are planning to come." Once you know who's in and who's out, you take that to the bride but be really clear that if she's adamant she wants Rita (who can't afford it) to come then you'll have to sacrifice the location. Then it's up to her.

Not RTFT but it seems to me that if you want people to attend you set a budget that allows them to.

If you don't really care, you price them out.

You are getting a really hard time on here, @CheekyTealFawn , and i think it's unwarranted.

First of all, accept that with 15 potential hens, not everyone is going to be happy.

The person you most have to worry about being happy is the bride.

So doing most of the research and presenting her with all the info on costs, and who can afford what, is a good decision on your part.
It's too much for you to make ALL of the decisions, given some can't afford what you have found is the best fit for the bride's list of 'must haves'.

Can you reserve the 12 person house and give everyone a hard RSVP date - 'yes or no by Friday' with a deposit of £150?
When you know the final number and cost, you can advise what the balance is and it's due by x date eg Monday?

Re food: I would order something like a lasagne from M&S or Waitrose catering and do a salad and garlic bread with it. Cake and ice cream for dessert.
Pasta for 15 is a lot of pasta!

Good luck!

This! I had my own hen do this spring and whilst I didn’t want to know what we’d be doing I told my MOH that I absolutely wanted everyone to be included and that I wanted us to respect different financial realities.

but more importantly: OP can’t just book accommodation without checking with the other invitees!

You need to speak to the bride

To avoid having remaining hens having to pay more if/when some drop out, I would ask for replies by x date, with the full amount by bank transfer if they want to come.

No refunds.

That's fair.

The last hen do I went was a shared house, exactly the same reasons and thoughts as you, we’d all share, it would be lovely etc. It was a nightmare for me, and some others, sharing a room (sleeping on the floor/mattress) and bathroom with folk we barely knew. Food choices for a large number rarely pleased everyone. I would have so much preferred a hotel - groups can join up in rooms or bar, breakfast included, facilities on site, maybe a pool? Would never go a shared house again, and I adore the bride.

I'd send a message with the dilemma to the group and say this is the best I can find. If anyone can do better, please tell me, or you will book on Monday - although if two drop out, then you will have more costs for all.

You can a lot about a bride whether she puts the people or the photos first in the priority list!

thank you! 🥰

I’m definitely going to defer to her on this, I will take the blame in front of the guests if people aren’t happy but I don’t want the blame to be on me from the brides end incase I make the wrong decision.

it’s actually a good idea to reserve because the 12 person house is free cancellations until 7 days before, whereas the other house for 15 is not. Soon as you pay the deposit, you’re paying the full lump. Which makes me really anxious because if people drop out and I’m lumped with the bill it will bankrupt me, I’m not made of money either!

Exactly. My idea was to say, if you confirm now at this price and are happy for me to book, you will still need to pay even if you can’t attend because the price is based on X people. It’s more in the lead up to booking, already 3 people have been like “oh wait I told you I was available but not sure I can make it actually”, so giving a price range before hand and then a final agreed amount right before booking is my only option

Can the bride pay the difference for the 2 guests who can’t afford it? (as a genuine solution, not sarcasm)

I genuinely don’t understand this desire to share houses/villas for large gatherings. Some people invariably end up sleeping on the floor and there are never enough toilets/bathrooms. Give me a Premier Inn with my own en-suite any day! The house/villa sharing only works when people are wealthy enough to have the right number of bedrooms and bathrooms for the number of guests. And a chef.