AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

I think if you are the bride you are only allowed one “must have” location, either where you actually get married and celebrate, or where you have your hen do.

Unless of course you are marrying someone very rich and you are both paying for any and every expense your guests might incur.

In a nutshell

You need to involve the bride because it’s not a feasible task. She’s not lord of the manor and you’re not her minion, where you can’t ’possibly bother a hair on her head!’

Honestly, I got tired just reading this.

Most actual weddings are easier to plan!

Just because you have invited someone to the hen do doesn't mean they have to come and you have to make it work with their budget. I think the Brides preferences should be key as it's her hen do, not budgets to accommodate everyone.

I am MOH for my best friend. She wants her hen do at a specific location and accommodation. I know it will be out of some budgets and some will be happy. I've worked out the cost and am just going to tell people 'its this cost' please let me know if you can attend or not. I'm not giving an option to change to reduce costs or change the location. But the Bride is fully aware that some might not be able to afford it though and is happy with that.

Maybe speak to the bride and see - if she is happy to lose some people to affordability over changing the location. Being a MOH and organising so many people is hard!

I think this is also the problem. With giving costs and planning and just giving a “like it or lump it” before asking budgets, I have no way of knowing whether people can feasibly make it or not. Then it’s a case of “here’s the cost, can you come?” Then people say no, so to the people who said yes I have to say, “oh, this price was based on 15 people coming. Now it’s 12. Happy to pay £50 more?” And then it just goes on and on and on

its so stressful isn’t it!!

I used to love a hen do when it was a Chinese meal followed by a nightclub. It seems these women are majorly attention seeking and need to be made to feel special for days on end.

I am MOH for my best friend. She wants her hen do at a specific location and accommodation. I know it will be out of some budgets and some will be happy. I've worked out the cost and am just going to tell people 'its this cost' please let me know if you can attend or not. I'm not giving an option to change to reduce costs or change the location. But the Bride is fully aware that some might not be able to afford it though and is happy with that.

@SJM1988 I know this is a reflection of hen dos nowadays, but to me it's really sad that a bride would prioritise location over her friends being able to attend. I get that geographically finding a location to suit everyone is difficult, but to exclude people due to affordability just seems to miss the point for me. It's a holiday where one person calls all the shots and everyone else pays.

Its really stressful but I'm doing:
Ask for attendance - we figured out a weekend the bride and bridesmaids could do and then are going to open that to everyone else. I'm not doing a faffing around moving dates because one person can't come.
As the bride in my case has a very specific location, I can give rough costs on a based on xxx number of people sharing at time of asking for attendance so people have an idea.
Then once people confirm the weekend is ok, I will confirm costs on those attending. It likely to not move much as the original cost I'm going to give will be for smaller numbers.

The bride is very much on board with the we plan it around her and the bridesmaids, everyone else is a bonus sort of plan. It's her second marriage so she knows how difficult it can be to organise people.

You do just sometimes have to take the plunge and go this is the date, this is the cost (subject to change if people drop out) who is come and who isnt.

YANBU but I think the bride will need to accept that not everyone will be able to attend. I planned a friend's hen do abroad a few years ago and not everyone she had invited could make it for the same reason, or due to childcare issues. We then did a 'bridal shower' lunch in our city so that more people could attend.

I do think you should talk to the bride to be and check she is ok with booking something which will exclude some of the people she wants to be there. She might value their company over a pricey trip; she might care more about going somewhere costly then who comes, but you won't know unless you ask her.

I really dislike the way hen nights have turned into this though.

Absolutely this

I’ve even heard of the bridesmaid or person organising it - suggesting that they all chip in to pay for the bride!!!!

just no not under any circumstances!

Its her second marriage so I think hits slightly different. She wants a specific UK location which is accessible to everyone she has invited. We are all approaching 40 so affordability isn't really much of a factor now (it isn't anymore expensive than our usually yearly weekend away), its more if someone is willing to spend the money or not. For some (and I am included in that bracket) it would mean saving for a several months to afford it rather than a just off the cuff spend it will be for others. The bride knows some people she has invited wouldn't want to spend the time saving to be able to go in the long run.

For her, the wedding this time is about her and what she and her future DH wants. She doesn't want to do what she did last time and lose something she would like to do for a friend who thinks life revolves around them (we all have those friends dont we?)
I get it.....and I'm anti spending too much of my money and time on other people! Usually I am in the why spend so much of a hen do bracket.

And that's the point! (Which you've chosen to ignore and make about yourself funny enough) Tell everyone how much it costs and go from there! This is basic stuff. Absolutely shocked that you think it was better to do this backwards. No wonder you feel you've made it worse for yourself!

I saw a bride recently and all she wanted was a meal out with her 2bridesmaids and that was all they were doing. I thought she was a refreshing change. Most people cannot quickly arrange a weekend away so why not ask if a day event is more inclusive. Everyone could be included and no major event needs organising.

You need to ask the bride what she prefers, is her priority having everyone there? If so, plans need to be scaled back to be affordable. If her priority is the quality of accommodation then that's her decision and she has to accept people can't come. £250pp for sharing rooms seems insane to me. i'd expect to pay £250 for the entire weekend.

Bride has given you an impossible task in my opinion and I don’t think you’ll be able to suit everyone’s budgets / please everyone. I would reach out to bride and see what she thinks.

I have had to pull out of 3 hen do’s because of the cost but all 3 ended up having local hen dos as well as accommodation / abroad so I went to them instead. I couldn’t justify £500+ for a hen do and I have small children too on part time wage. However, I’d never be angry at those that could afford the abroad trip., so no hard feelings.

That would be a kind thing to do, but to borrow an expression from an episode of Friends, it's likely to come across as 'poor friends outreach programme' to those who would struggle to meet the cost. I think I'd find it a bit humiliating if I was in that position tbh.

@SJM1988 sorry it wasn't intended as a dig at you and if it's a second marriage I can see how that does change things somewhat in terms of your friends expectations (although the principle of expensive hen dos still bothers me regardless - judging by your username we're a similar age and despite earning more now, hen dos are less "affordable" to me now they were 10 years ago due to increased outgoings and changing priorities).

God yes - hen dos before were definitely a yes don't really think about what it cost. Now I have to spend months saving and budgeting to be able to afford it. I'm already savings for this hen do in Sept 2027!!! And it isn't really that expensive. I'm just grateful for no nursery fees after this sept. lol

Agree with your bf - speak to the bride and find out whether she’d rather have something more affordable that everyone can attend, or something more fancy where a few people won’t be able to come due to cost. Make it her call.

I think you should give the bride some general options and get her to decide whether she wants something fancy that will mean some people can't come, or something smaller that all her friends can come to. It doesn't feel like the decision you should be responsible for......... another option - O2 events! That's what I did when I got married, though to be fair I organised the weekend away myself (self-catering cottage away, so nothing too mad) and my maids of honour organised a day event for the whole group. As it happened, 5 of my closest friends were between 6-8 months pregnant at the time and didn't fancy a weekend away, so it was just a v small group of us that went away and it was just a lovely chilled holiday and all the hen bits were done on the day out we had with the wider group, which was obvs much more affordable than a weekend away.

I didn’t ignore it, I didn’t understand how it made it worse outside of making it more stressful for me to organise so I was asking you a question in response to what you said. It’s not as simple as just telling everyone the cost because pp cost will inevitably change depending on numbers so I needed to know feasibly how to make it work financially for everyone, so that way when I tell them a price, that’s the price?

This

YANBU that's not much to ask. Thousands would be a problem but a couple of hundred is standard surely? If they can't come; they can't come. Everyone else shouldn't have to go to a shit hole because others can't afford anywhere decent.