AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

That’s a lot of money for a shared room and nothing else. On a hen do I would much rather go for budget accommodation but go for a nice meal as you spend barely any time in the room anyway.

I think if you want to do this you absolutely need to get clearance from the bride- it’s quite possible that she’ll have some seriously pissed off relatives/ friends so you need to warn her. And maybe come up with an alternative (she doesn’t need to know the details just the general plan in both cases).

So next time, just plan the hen do according to what the bride has asked for. Then you simply post the details to the hen do what's app group and get numbers. People can just decline and don't even have to say it's because they can't afford it, they can just say they can't make it. Obviously if people aren't going that will then push the price up further for those who are, when it's a country house type situation.
I don't think you have any alternative now but to talk to the bride.

@CheekyTealFawn I think you're in a really difficult position having to accommodate people from different geographical locations.

As another poster said, it's quite possible that the hens with the £100/£150 budget have said this as a way of saying "this hen do isn't going to be in my budget and I want an out but I don't want to explicitly say that" because I can't think of any overnight hen dos that have cost less than this when you factor in travel, accommodation, food, drink and activities.

Just one thing to bear in mind if your solution is for those with a lower budget not to participate in the paid activity. Whilst I totally get the logic, this could actually be quite awkward in practice unless there's an option for those not participating to arrive after the activity has ended. I would also speak to them about this privately, as they might not be comfortable in everyone knowing that the reason that they didn't join in was because they couldn't afford it.

This ^^
what are her priorities?

Try a bloody Premier Inn, FFS.

I'd contact the 2 lower budget people individually and explain the dilemma, that £250 is basically the full cost as bride paying for food and paid activity will be £xx but optional. Ask if they might be able to stretch their budget? They may have been thinking that food/drink would be ££££ so lowballed the accommodation budget? Alternatively would the sister be willing to pay a little extra for the twin to herself and £150 budget person sleeps on the sofa and pays £150?

I get that the just having a local meal out doesn't work when most of the guests aren't local. I still think that this is a lot of money for a shared room. Is there any scope for providing overnight accommodation at a rented house just for those that want it while allowing others to be day guests or stay at a cheaper hotel?

You’re right, I’ve never done this before so I’ve messed up asking budgets in advance. Luckily, I did it privately on a form so only I know what the budget is, nobody else does, and left people the option to remain anonymous but most people told me who they were

and you’re absolutely right about the thing with the optional activity, I hadn’t thought of that at all and now see that’s not fair

Would it be too outing to say the rough location so people can help with accommodation? I did something similar for a friends hen but we had an exclusive glamping site which worked out really well and very affordable. There were about 6 tipis with beds inside, a big ‘living room’ tent and a kitchen so we bought a range of pizzas for the first evening and got a takeaway delivered the second night. Activities we arranged to the campsite and it was a really lovely weekend.

If it’s in summer you could maybe consider something similar?

God I hate almost everything to do with ‘hen do’s nowadays. Bride getting someone else to do all the dirty work of arranging it all, whole weekends away costing hundreds of pounds, inevitable mix of decent people and some annoyingly loud and braying ones that ruin the whole weekend. Whatever happened to a meal, drinks and some dancing?

Very unfair of the bride to put it all on you and not want to know anything about it. It's her hen do, she's asking for the moon on a stick. I bet she'll want to know all about it if something isn't to her liking!
Say to the group, this is the best I can do re costs and keeping to the brides wishes. If some can't afford it they'll have to decline. If the bride wants them there she'll have to change her expectations to lower the cost. Bigger issue is the sister not wanting to share, and the accommodation being shared rooms, how will that work?
Can you resign? It sounds like a really stressful task. Why do brides inflict overlong, complicated and expensive hen dos on people? And put all the pressure on the MOH to run it. It's really selfish.

Apart from a shared room, the bride paying for food and some sunbathing what are they getting for £250?

i honestly am so happy to pay my full share and sleep on the couch or a blow up bed if it keeps the budget down and allows the person to have their own room! So I would probably do that in that case. And yes definitely, when I asked for budget I specified it was for accommodation only just so I could figure out what my options were, so I thought with food and everything included everyone might be happy with that even if it means a higher cost upfront to book if that makes sense?

If you are, don't give yourself a hard time. You've been given an almost impossible task and you're doing it for free.

Most hen do organisers I know have said how stressful it was (basically became unpaid project/events/budget planners for several months), and that was usually a group of them doing it.

It sounds like you're doing this on your own or am I mistaken?

I think they want a long haul destination, reading between the lines.

I think you have to go to the bride and explain the issue. She might be upset if certain guests aren’t there and her “must haves” might look different if she realises it isn’t practical budget wise.

Maybe you could let people sort their own accommodation and do a daytime thing? That gives more flexibility

Bloody hell this bride sounds hard work! I hope she has always been a truly excellent friend to you to expect all this from you!

Thank you 🥹 doing most of it on my own but her sister and I have been discussing ideas and she’s been sending me houses, but I am the one who figures it out in terms of everyone’s budgets activities when and where how people might be able to get there etc

You need to tell the bride its location, nice accommodation, all guests present, and she can only pick two.

Totally selfish and hideously entitled.

You can’t just book it as the price per person will change if the two/others drop out, and you will potentially end up out of pocket. Ime 1 or 2 usually do drop out

You need to discuss this with the bride. It’s unreasonable of her to give you the list and location but then refuse to engage on the actual practicalities. She’s not actually a special princess who can’t be troubled with real world concerns- she’s just your mate.

You have my sympathy. I organised my sister’s hen and there were people she wanted there and who said they wanted to come but that their budget was zero. So I spent months organising an entirely opt in/opt out hen, in a location that meant no one needed to stay over if they didn’t want to, and then quite a few of them flaked anyway and I somehow ended up subsidising the whole thing by a couple of grand, and it was generally just quite shit with no one making any effort to talk to anyone they didn’t already know. We could all have just gone to the pub in our local town and had a much better time.

Are there any obviously better/smaller rooms? Potentially per-room pricing could help to bridge the gap a bit? A bit finicky but might make a difference

£500per room is a bonkers amount? Surely you can find a better option?

Exactly this. She getting married, she’s not the Queen of Sheba OP. Don’t let yourself be made into the bad guy-the bride needs to decide what is more important to her: photos for Instagram or her actual friendships with people who want to celebrate her upcoming marriage? People have lost their minds.