AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

You have to talk to the bride. She can’t just relinquish any responsibility. They are all her friends. She’s the common denominator.

Tell her ‘there’s no way Sarah and Jane can afford anything half decent, what should I do?’

She needs to tell you what to do.

But it’s HER day!!! She can’t possibly be expected to behave like a decent friend for the year of her wedding, surely?

I’ve recently been on a 2 night hen do in a country house up north, £275 a person everything included, we did have to share rooms, but it included a private chef from masterchef which I think was £80 a person, the lady who owned the house did a Pilates class for us and had a friend who did mindfulness. We brought our own drink.

Can you tell us which area you are looking in to see if anyone can help? I don’t think you’ll be able to find anything for two nights for £100 a person

We are also looking up north! And yes it’s just not working so trying to offset by reducing costs of everything else. Is the masterchef thing a requirement or would leaving this out make it cheaper? This otherwise sounds fab. Would you mind sharing the name of the place with me, and how many people you went with?

@CheekyTealFawn I have been a bridesmaid many times and I am also the bossy planner friend in most groups so I have, ahem, experience in this area.

I would go back to the group and say "I've researched accommodation options and the price will be between £X and £Y all dependent on how many people are able to attend"

(X = Price of 12 bed/ 10)
(Y = Price of 15 bed/13)

Don't invite any more opinions other than that.

Yes, maybe the bride has picked an expensive area etc etc, but make this easy for yourself which means just lay it out and then you make a call.

If you don't get take up for say 10 on this basis, go back to the bride and say you need a re-think on area.

I think you need to provide a price range (based on 12 or 15 guests), give a deadline to confirm who's coming and say that you will be asking for payment in full a week later, and will confirm the amount due based on final numbers confirmed ahead of this. The amount you ask them to transfer should be based on however many people confirmed they were coming by the deadline. And yes, once they've paid it's non-refundable because it'll increase everyone else's costs if anyone drops out at a later date.

Hopefully that makes sense!

This. I told my sisters my hen do had to:

• be based in the city where most of us lived
• have offers of free accomodation for the three friends travelling
• involve no more than a not too expensive activity, meal & drinks.

We had a brilliant night.

@CheekyTealFawn Sorry I missed off a bit.

You need to get people to commit they are happy with a price between the min and max you've found and then that's that.

Then once this bit is booked, you can carry on with the rest of it, which is less stressful!

I think you do have to talk to the bride.

You don't have to give her any details, but saying 'Looking at hen do options for you, and budget-wise I think it's going to be really difficult to do something decent for you at a budget everyone can afford. Are you OK with me setting a budget that might mean certain people can't come, or would you rather we scaled it right back to something more low-key that everyone could attend?' would be the right approach I think.

FWIW I'm going on a hen do in a couple of months and it's two nights, sharing rooms in an Airbnb, in a UK city, with a couple of activities, a meal out, and food provided at the Airbnb, and that's costing £250pp.

ok that’s great thank you! I will do that. I’ve definitely found the 2 places that work the best in terms of saving money outside of accomm for the lowest cost possible so i guess its just making sure that in presenting both options that whoever says they can come are happy with either?

Perfect sense and I completely agree. Thanks so much for the advice!

Why isn’t the bride paying if she wants an expensive option which will exclude some of her friends

I'm so glad all my friends and family are already married. This sort of problem makes me feel stressed just reading about it!

Why the hell are bride-to-bes so entitled? It's bizarre! What's wrong with a night out at a nice bar/a nice dinner? Gosh, everyone really does think they're a princess.

Yes it would be cruel to exclude some people because their budget doesn't allow for it.

The only slightly awkward thing will be if the pp costs are cheaper the fewer people go based on the option to change the accommodation as it could mean it becomes affordable for people if others drop out (it's obviously normally the other way round).

But that's just how it is, so I think you just have to detach a bit from the awkwardness/complexity of it all and just present the facts so you can move the conversation on. Perhaps making it about people confirming based on dates/costs (rather than just costs).

@CheekyTealFawn remember you're a human being doing this for free on top of your day job. You're not a paid events planner 😊

I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job and being v considerate op!
I’m the organizer of the group and balancing budgets and preferences is hard work.

I did think that, but I think at that point it there’s nothing I can do honestly 🤣 think it’s just hard because when planning a group holiday everyone is doing everything together and plan with a similar budget, here it’s that in responsible for so many expectations and requirements and budgets it’s a nightmare

Thank you so much I really appreciate you saying that!😊

Yeah but on this one, she just needs to get them to commit (non-refundable) and then absolutely forget about accommodation and prices!

There's only so much you can do in these situations with big groups of people!

I'd be tempted to book the affordable place for 12 people and hope/expect some drop out! Can that place accommodate extra guests if they're prepared to sleep on a bed sofa or blow up mattress? Not ideal but some guests might compromise. Some rentals have firm rules about max capacity though.
Ask everyone to bring a bottle and some snacks. The main meal can be a big lasagne with salad and garlic bread, for example.
You are doing a kind thing organising this but can only do so much. It's like herding cats, eh?

I mean with what @PetuniaTabbernacle has said, if you'd got someone who'd said I could only do up to £200 if it will be less than that with me in, let me know. I'd do that but don't do mental gymnastics to work back to include them. Just if it's easy and makes sense!

I’ve been thinking that all morning. Obviously I’d love everyone to come but god would it sort out some problems if we could do 12, the prices are much much better since so many more options in different locations, less competition in high season! In terms of that I would happily sleep on a blow up bed or a couch etc if an extra person decided to come. I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do that as they’d understandably be miffed if they paid the same as others, and others would be miffed if the couch sleepers got it for free. But I really don’t care all I care about is sorting it and trying to keep as many people happy as possible 🤣The place is really strict due to fire safety though so it might even be a no go for couch sleeping.

It’s not your fault OP but this is everything that’s wrong with a lot of modern hen dos (and weddings). If guests can’t afford certain things at stag / hen parties, either the bride and groom should subsidise things or lower their expectations. As the organiser, you’ll need to relay that the budget of the group (not person x) and sharing requirements (don’t single people out) means plan A just isn’t feasible.

It should be about celebrating with friends - all of them. Everyone gave their budgets. You know what the lowest budget is - it’s not fair to ignore that. If the bride wants to subsidise that friend to make the trip happen, she can. Otherwise the party becomes less about friends and sends a message that some of them are disposable instead of planning something that is more affordable.

Agreed @ricketybeauty

I half suspect the guests on a very low budget still won't be able to afford the "cheapest" option for this hen do (or any hen do that involved an overnight stay), so it might not even be an issue.

This.