AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

Be more specific. Say that others can't afford it, so can she confirm she's fine with that location even if only half the guests end up coming?

Sorry but I think you HAVE to speak to the bride.
"I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride."
Whatever you THINK about whether the bride SHOULD compromise, the bride WILL HAVE TO compromise and is THE ONLY ONE who can!

If BRIDE want's to do XYZ with a group of people including A&B then if she's

• doing XYZ, but without A&B
• doing only X&Y but with A&B
• doing something totally different with A&B

SHE IS MAKING made a compromise, and should be the one deciding what compromise to make.

OP - I feel really bad for you, I'd find this super challenging. It sounds like a full time job trying to sort it all out.

I think you have to assume for the budgets at the £100/150 pp for two nights (are you really sure they didn't mean per night?!) those people are saying in so many words that they don't want to go. I travel a bit around the UK and honestly, especially at £100 for two nights, you'd be looking at a room in someone's house in an AirBnB. It is just simply not what things unfortunately cost these days. I have read your posts and if I've got the wrong end of the stick, I apologise. But I don't think the £250 you've found is unreasonable and I'd feel confident just putting it out there and letting the chips fall where they lay, given all of the other complexities involved with the guests and choosing a location.

One thing I would say though is that all of this cooking sounds well-intentioned but it is probably prudent to plan for some food out. Do you really think you will be doing picnics by the river? That said, a reservation at a pub for 12-15 is no mean feat.

You’re absolutely right. Hadn’t seen it that way, thank you!

I agree with @stichguru but I am also wondering if the people at the lower budget end want to go anyway...

I suspect so. It's like the opposite of a tradesperson giving you a ridiculously expensive quote to do a job.

Exactly, I have no idea where anyone on here is getting it from that £100pp for 2 nights is doable. It isn’t. I’ve tried for weeks to figure this out.

Well I thought with the lunch out (it’s only one day lunch would be necessary) we’re going to be hiking or doing walking trails anyways, usually they don’t have frequent cafes etc around so some sort of packed lunch will be needed regardless of whether it’s sat by a lake or perched on a tree stump in a forest if that makes sense!

Why can’t the sister share with the bride?
When people start adding all these conditions, it’s going to be a nightmare. You need to select a place, say it’s x amount and everyone shares to keep costs down.

It does.

I also think that if you explain the rationale for where you've landed with costs, the £100-150 crew may have a wake-up call and realise they are being unrealistic.

It does.

I also think that if you explain the rationale for where you've landed with costs, the £100-150 crew may have a wake-up call and realise they are being unrealistic.

I can’t understand these comments at all. Every hen I’ve been on has been a weekend away or a flight somewhere for a long weekend. All my friends treated it as a fun opportunity to have a girls trip with our good friends. If it wasn’t affordable, you just didn’t go and no one was upset.

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all, unless the bride would prefer something less expensive so everyone can go. If she wants to go away, she will have to accept not everyone can make it.

Wow if my best mate had to miss out on my hen do due to finances I would have changed it!

Id refuse to organise. How stressful. Just a simple day or evening out is enough.

I think it differs between generations, where you live and class to a degree

The lowest cost accommodation you can find is £500 for a twin room? Wow.
I think you should have a conversation with the bride.

Actually sorry that's probably for 2 nights isn't it, but it's still a lot

You haven’t factored in fussiness with food/coeliac disease/food allergies/dietry choices - vegetarian/vegans - a “bit of pasta and pizza” will throw up massive issues you can guarantee when 3/4 of them say I can’t/wont eat that!!

You need to tell the bride she needs to take responsibility for HER hen!!!

I’d speak bride and explain and see if she can choose a cheaper location

You aren't ever going to please everyone OP and I agree with so many posters that expectations have gone completely out of hand.
A member of my family was invited to a hen do at a cost of approx £500.
She has young children and completely unable to afford to attend.
You are in a very difficult position OP and I believe you need to talk to the bride.
Remember that you are NOT going to please everyone!

For what it's worth I went on something like this about 10 years ago now, a house in the sticks, room for loads of people. I was 30 odd at the time with a small child and it was my first time properly away from them or my hubby. I shared a bedroom with maybe 3, 4 other women. One my old uni housemate, the rest made up of various others, some I vaguely knew but some I didn't.

I think there were activities that day in the house, a country walk, and murder mystery etc. then the following day a spa? It was fine. But it definitely cost a lot less, but with inflation what you're suggesting is about right.

But if the cost IS prohibitive then the bride/bridal family should chip in a little bit more, I think so the friends can attend the hen. If it's that important for them to be there. And as a bride to be myself, I would NEVER expect people to worry about how they'll pay for a thing that I wanted. It's more important they be there.

Once again, do not take on the job of cooking or doing packed lunches for everyone. It's not reasonable! I'm assuming you aren't a professional caterer. They'll have to buy something like everyone else who goes away anywhere.

Don't go JK 😉

OP , I don't know how far ' Up North' you mean. But there is a spa I know of that has apartments so you can stay overnight. They do lovely food , and have a bar. They do lots of different packages including dinner etc . And if people want to add on 'extras' they can do without it affecting others.

Oooh this sounds great, please could you share it with me?