AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

I think you did the right thing getting a sense of budgets up front because now you know who you need to talk around a bit more. Without that you'd have upset people without even knowing about it and they'd just lump it and be annoyed or drop out.

You should be upfront about why the accommodation costs more and then put together a final budget which includes food, alcohol and activities to reassure people there won't be other massive costs and maybe it'll talk them around.

Absolutely- It's Titanic Spa, Linthwaite.
I have been quite a few times for Spa days as it's about 20 minutes from me. It's lovely.

The hen dos with close friends, who I would go on holiday with anyway, were lovely. They were basically girls holidays with some extras thrown in.

It's the fact that it's become a baseline expectation that you'll spend £100s to attend any hen do that annoys me.

A lot of them have now become these two night affairs that inevitably involve room (or sometimes bed) sharing (sometimes with someone you don't know that well) and full of overpriced activities that you would never do with a dozen or more people you've never met. And it's going to cost you £300 and possibly require you to use up your annual leave. Perhaps that's not your experience, but that seems to have become the norm over the last decade or so.

ETA: Sorry, I realise this is essentially what OP is planning so this isn't intended as a dig to her, as she's basically been asked to plan what the bride wants. But presumably the bride wants this because we've been lead to believe this is what hen dos look like now.

Don't give them an "all in" price with good and alcohol I don't think. Some people unfortunately will take the piss and hammer the snacks and booze all day!

Linthwaite is perfect - I love it there!! Thank you, I will take a look!

do the hens know this? Only because in my experience it's quite unusual for the bride to pay for anything, more normal for the hens to cover her. If they know the accommodation is going to be the only thing they are paying for they might be willing to spend a bit more.

Other than that does it have to be a big house? You can usually get perfectly decent hotels far cheaper.

I would personally suggest a) talking to the bride or b) downsizing your role completely and saying the plan is for 'optional event' in this place at this time - if anyone else wants to stay overnight you and bride will be staying at x hotel. Then leave it up to them how they get there or if/where they stay.

Agree you are not going to get rationale responses from most of MN, a large proportion of whom detest hen parties with every single fibre of their being, think anything more expensive or elaborate than a night out down the local pub is excessive, and, despite the popularity of the 'it's an invite not a summons' rejoinder on here don't seem to understand that people are allowed to say no if an event is too much for them.

There are always going to be some people who can't make it - if it wasn't the expense then it would be not being able to get time off work, or travel, or pregnant/breast feeding/no babysitter, etc. Some of them might have given a deliberately low ball amount to have a good excuse to not come. All you can do is organise something the bride herself would like - don't feel guilty if not everyone comes to it because that's not within your control.

I assume so, not about the food/activities but definitely know the bride is paying her corner. The bride wouldn’t accept anyone covering her anyway!

And thank you for the advice/reassurance! I’ve been called all sorts on here, but you don’t know what you don’t know, and now I know after seeing the issues! Was told I should’ve googled whether to ask for budgets first or not, and the vast majority of things I read said to ask about budget. Can’t win at this point! Was going to be a nightmare regardless I think

Message two with the lowest budgets individually and say something like "I'm really sorry, but I can't make the budget you originally said work. I'll be posting in the group chat in a bit, but wanted to let you know in advance, the best option I can find is this (link to booking site and house), which will be £xxx if anyone attends. Just wanted to let you know in advance, and see whether you think you'd be able to make that work? We're aiming to keep costs down elsewhere by not doing paid activities, not buying a load of personalised merch, cooking in the house etc, so I think the total should be around £YYY, all in. Please let me know if you'd be able to make that work! I'm keen for everyone to be able to attend!"

Realistically, there always going to be a few people who can't make it, for various reasons (not having leave, not having childcare, budget). If the people with the low budget were local to the bride, she could also organise a local night out for family and local friends, which is what a friend of mine did, weekend away for those who could and would be keen and able to join in the activities, and a local afternoon cocktail class and dinner for grandmothers, aunties, mums, local friends/ relatives who couldn't make the weekend (one pregnant, one with young kids, one who didn't have budget, couple who were abroad the weekend we were away etc).

Spa day? Air b&b castle? A festival or sporting event (horse racing?)

with the one you’ve found why not promote it on group chat and see what responses you get. Maybe two people will helpfully drop out.

On the whole though, you may be giving them too much choice. I’m as tight as a gnat’s chuff but I think £300 is reasonable.

edited to say good luck! I didn’t mean to sound quite so bossy! You’re a good person for taking all this on!

gnat’s chuff hahaha I love that 🤣 so it’s more a staycation really. Bride isn’t big activity type but likes walks and nature, so the house would give us all that. I actually put the feelers out a couple hours ago and had really great responses and a message from person with £150 budget saying since the house is more the main event rather than things like wine tastings expensive dinners etc it works for her!

@CheekyTealFawn glad to hear you had a postive response! That must take a weight off 😊

I feel light as air now 🤣

Talk to both the bride and friends before deliberately excluding them. The bride shouldn't get to keep her head in the sand and void any of the organizing, that ridiculous. She could also contribute to the cost as the whole thing is for her wishes anyway.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives.
But.....

Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

So infact she's told you which destination she wants it to be at, a few why's and therefores, and who's to attend.

A case of this is what I want and you have to make it happen.

If brides want expensive hen do's that last longer than the actual day itself maybe it's time they started looking at making the cost part of their own wedding budget.

Not up north but got a good spa package here recently. Included meals and treatment.

https://www.whittlebury.com

Whittlebury hall.

Good luck!

@CheekyTealFawn Are you positive that the two people who said budget was £100 to £150 for the accommodation didn't mean £100-£150 per NIGHT? I would check with the two of them first. Because those amounts make more sense for a ONE night stay.

Also two things I would suggest.

1. Make sure you get at least a decent ( non-refundable if they change their minds) deposit from everyone, before making any booking and get the full amount well before the intended hen-do. You could end up out of pocket if you don't.

2 Be careful about what you say about the Bride paying for the food so nothing else to pay for apart from the optional event. a) I assume that people will be expected to buy their own booze, even if the Bride gets in a few bottles of wine as a starter, so that should be mentioned somewhere and b) Be explicit about the food being paid for. Some people may expect lots of snacks, fruit, biscuits, coffees when out, whatever by the bride and could take the piss when it comes to that.

Thank you so much!! I will take a look!!

Maybe I should check! I made it explicit but obviously no one has time to spend ages filling out forms so it was could potentially be skim reading!

completely agree about not mentioning anything specifically. I just said loads to do around the house, big communal area with cooking facilities and bbqs to do breakfasts and dinner so minimal food costs. Then I will clarify, once I know what everyone wants for dinner we will buy that. We will get stuff in for breakfast too. Anyone else wants anything extra there’s a shop round the corner for whatever they need, there will be a few bottles of Prosecco but pls remember to bring your favourite drinks! Or something

Sounds perfect to me @CheekyTealFawn. I do think it's a good idea to speak to the two who quoted the low prices and double check with them that is the budget for TWO nights before you speak to the Bride.

Sorry you are having so much hassle with this.

It is a curse organising anything for a group of disparate people.you sound like a lovely friend who is trying to organise a lovely weekend I have learnt the hard way you will never please everyone so don’t try to- it’s basically impossible. I think you need to basically go -‘ this is the plan, the rough cost and if you’re in, I’ll need the deposit of £100 and you’re committed to the cost even if you drop out.’ You basically need to make sure you’re not stuck picking up a bill.

I made the mistake of asking for budgets before booking our work Christmas meal one year. I shouldn’t have bothered as one person said their budget was £5 which obviously means you can’t do anything. I then felt I had to go for the cheapest possible shit option and even that was at least 4x the £5 budget so also then worried about excluding someone and all the people with bigger budgets were moaning as they wanted something nicer. I’d never do that in the same way again… (mainly because I’ve never offered to do it again).

Think your boyfriend's right. Does it have to be an overnight stay?

Agree! I paid for my hen do - they were my guests. I didn’t want them to consider whether they could afford to attend. They are my friends.
This bride appears to be ok dumping those friends who have a limited budget.

Dont book it without the agreement of the others. Just send out a message to everyone saying this is all you can find and give detaills of cost and requirements to share. Maybe don't send to the bride.

I think you go back to the bride and ask her to pay the remaining shortfall between the hens max budget and the remaining cost.

I’ve been in this situation only recently. I received a message from the sister that Airbnb cost was ‘only’ £150 for the night and ‘£20pp’ each for the taxi into town. But I knew that it would easily cost £50 in petrol, a then talk of a night out, and that cost would be going out with people dropping out.

When money is tight every pound more starts to feel like a loose.

On another note I fell out with my ‘best friend’ of twenty years over her hendo.

She demanded two nights camping at an activity site during Covid. No site would take a party of 14 except a private one I found. £50ppn and that included all bedding, in camper vans with private use of site with facilities (pizza oven, full kitchen, bar area with pool/darts/karaoke, showers etc). The original site she sent me was a PGL type place which was £300 PP on the other side of the country. The site I had found was literally next door to water sports centre so completely optional water sports and another hen offered to do outward bounds as she used to be an instructor/going to borrow her scouts equipment.

Five people weren’t in due to finances/wasnt their thing - a grand total of £127.50PP without contributing to the brides contribution - that included our Tesco food shop, non water sports activities and accommodation (that was max 2 hours drive away from everyone who was scattered across three different regions spanning 5 hour drive…)

She refused compromise to one night or on the camping or to invite more people to get the cost down. But the biggest one she messaged the other hens with a shitty message when I asked her to pay her share as she wanted it cheaper as people were complaining about the costs to her. Telling them she was paying thousands for the wedding they were all invited to and paying her share for the hen do was at least they could do.

I ended up getting some vile messages from a couple of the hens off the back of her message and somebody actually threatened me over it! Funny enough I gave my spot to someone who couldn’t afford it and the bride fell out with me. I heard the weekend was amazing and she recently put on FB from her memories how it was the best weekend ever. Those who didn’t want to pay £100 to ‘sit in a field’ apparently had the best time.

Subsidising by a couple of grand! That's terrible. Get payment in full OP before you book the accommodation- that way if people drop out you can look again for smaller/cheaper accommodation- ok it with the group then book that.

It's pay day weekend. Ask for payment in full within the next week. If the hen isn't for a number of months you could ask for half this month then half next but that particular property might be gone - don't book it until you have the money.

Emphasise it is non refundable and if anyone that has booked a place drops out they will lose their money unless they find someone to take their place.