To think this is actually selfish behaviour and not thoughtful?

[BlankTrust]

There is a group of us who’ve known each other since university. We are scattered all over now but try and meet up around twice a year, usually hiring a villa/cottage somewhere and having a few days to chill and catch up.

One friend has taken to making a music play list for us. This is lauded by everyone as being a kind and thoughtful thing to do. I cannot stand it. Cannot stand it. It was maybe fine the first time but it is actually now putting me off going on any further holidays.

The playlist is extensive but obvious centred around my friend’s tastes, which are not mine. It is fine as background music but we inevitably end up spending the last couple of hours of every evening with the music turned up and two of my friends signing along so loudly that the rest of us are unable to have a conversation.

I have raised this both with my friend and with my other friends. I have been told very firmly that my friend has done a kind and generous thing making this playlist, and we should all be grateful. I appear to be the sole person amongst the 10 of us who has any objection to this.

AIBU or is this actually selfish and not generous behaviour? We have began to discuss booking our next holiday once the kids are back to school after the summer but it is putting me off going.

My friend is a kind and generous woman in many ways and our children are very close to each other, so I don’t want to create bad feeling, but this is really spoiling the holiday for me.

We are all in our 50s and have done these holidays for many, many years but it’s only in the past two years or so that the famous playlist has been introduced.

The key thing seems to be that everyone else is happy about it. Sometimes it is annoying to have to fit into group preferences, but that's life.

The loud and constant music seems to be the real inconvenience, and yet you focus on the fact that the playlist is created by one person who gets lots of positive attention for it.

Could it be that it is the friendship dynamics, rather than the noise, that is the real source of your upset? Are you feeling resentful of the group's validating focus on the music woman?

I feel your pain OP.
in my case it’s DH who does this every fucking time we have guests round.

This is good.
she can’t get out of it then - I’d send the message in a public group so it’s witnessed!

Have you explicitly asked her to add X, Y and Z to the playlist? If she won’t then that’s a bit odd

I feel your pain. I am now at a stage of hating ABBA and I used to love them, but when something is overplayed and not by your own choice it becomes a form of torture!

Well we’ve found the friend… 🤣

It doesn't really matter if MN agrees that YANBU. The context which matters here is your social circle of ten friends, where you are the only one with an objection. MN can validate your irritation if you want but you can't cite this thread as evidence to make your friends change their behaviour. Sorry.

I love my playlists but what I do is start off with playing the playlist then if people start having requests etc I then begin putting them in a “queue” in Spotify and move to using that for the ongoing music instead. It works really well as everyone knows their song is coming up. It only works when people are happy to suggest songs they want rather than just broadly complaining about the playlist itself, though…

Brilliant.

👏

Oooh how exciting, this is the first time I’ve been fingered as the villain in a thread for disagreeing with the OP!!

I'm with you OP. Unfortunately being told firmly that the friend has done a kind and generous thing that you should all be grateful for tells you all you need to know.

Painful as it is, it may be time to leave the group. You will just be sat there seething or if you suck it up feeling resentful afterwards.

Noise cancelling headphones maybe???????

this for me too

I listen to my playlists through my headphones. There is nothing worse than listening to someone else’s.
I am similar age to OP and 80’s/90’s music can mean different things to different people.
I love a bit of George Michael but if I heard Freedom on blast, regularly, I’d go nuts.
I have just been watching ‘Four Seasons’ on Netflix and it sounds like a scene from that - one woman thinking she’s the DJ of the group.
I think it’s fine to suggest everyone contributing to the playlist.
Or compile your own for 6 o clock in the morning when everyone is knackered and hungover - Guns N Roses, Bauhaus, Sex Pistols. Crank it up and sing along.

Ha...this actually reminds of a camping trip with my friends. Jane has terrible taste in music but was selecting the tracks, until eventually Lisa leaned over, grabbed the Bluetooth speaker and said, "I'm sorry Jane, I love you but that's enough shite soft rock for one evening."
Then Lisa put on something decent.

Jane wasn't in the least offended and argued that to diss Bruce Springsteen was inhuman.

Heh.

It sounds like you have done everything you can. You now have three options -

Dont go

Go and accept the inevitable playlist

Go and when the singing/music starts go to bed

You could play the long game and accept it this year and say nothing more. Then next year randomly say “friend has been so kind providing the play list for the past three years, I’m thinking it’s time to pass the baton on so I’ve made this years playlist already. Can’t wait for you all to hear it!!”

😂

Doesn't @BlankTrust have the freedom to choose life?

Personality I think the OP should listen without prejudice, maybe give it one more try, before asking everyone to, turn a different corner, next year? She could of course, pray for time alone whilst the others get it on, outside. Maybe some Patience?

Have fun

I mean, blimey OP this is a bit of an over reaction to a playlist. Cant you just say 'please don't put George Michael on the playlist' or suggest some songs you would like to hear? To not want to go on holiday with your friends due to this is a strong reaction - has anything else happened?

It sounds like they are getting boozy towards the end of the evening? Maybe just go to bed?

When we used to have friends over for a sesh we would play a game where we took it in turns to select tracks according to a theme. So you’d do “songs about summer” or “really great covers” or “songs not to have sex to”. It was great because we would all talk about our choices and laugh and no one person was dictating the music.

Could you suggest something like that? Or is it less about the music and more that you just don’t like this person? I sort of suspect the latter.

I mean, I love the Boss but I wouldn’t subject my friends to endless Springsteen. I remember once I had a boyfriend who came over and we were getting busy while my music was on in the background. It was Bob Dylan’s entire back catalogue. After about three hours he said: “Can we please, please change the music?” 🤣

I would absolutely hate this. I'm neurodivergent and having other people's music on when I'm not in the mood can feel literally painful. It's worse when I'm at home, as there's no way to get away from it. In a small group it's easier to find something everyone agrees with, but in a group of 10 old uni friends I'd anticipate that the dynamics could get far too complicated to for me to comfortably navigate such a fundamental disagreement on how to spend leisure time.

Personally, I would have to stop going.

Maybe others in the group DONT actually enjoy listening to others wailing away for 2 hours evey night, unless they have Karen Carpenter type singing skills ( even that would be irritating after a while) could you private message some of them to get their take on it?
It sounds like torture tbh and I would just have to tell them straight to just shut the fuck up🤣

This is the sort of thing I would have loved in my 20’s but now late 50’s I find it very distracting to have music on if I am trying to focus on conversations. But then I wouldn’t choose to holiday with that many people.

The OP has already asked the others, though. They say they’re fine with it.