Partner trying to tell me what to wear!! HELP

[Overstimulatedmam]

Hey everyone, AIBU to think my partner is being controlling by pressuring me into wearing a bikini into the pool. I have 3 kids never wore a bikini in public even before said kids. I’m just not comfortable!

I have worn a bikini in front of my partner on a secluded breaks.. he told me I looked great and I was happy with that.. now he wants me to wear them to bring our kids swimming. I told him no that I’d be wearing a one piece and he keeps banging on about why won’t I wear the bikini even tho I’ve told him MULTIPLE times if not HUNDREDS times that I’m just not comfortable with that. I have wobbly bits and stretch marks for reference! The reason I’m even saying that is because he constantly comments on other women’s bodies things like “ jeez she could do with going to the gym” or “ oh god look at the kangaroo pouch on her” 😡😡😡 take in mind I have a “kangaroo pouch” after birthing his children 2 of whom were c-section deliveries! I told him it sickens me to hear him talking about women like that and he wonders why I’m not comfortable! The fuckin oil painting himself! ANYWAY…

He gets so so annoyed with me over this literally badgers me and huffs and puffs.. it quite literally starts arguments. Usually I just keep a cool head a leave him have his fit/ignore him but Tonight it came to a head (he brought it up when I was hangry🫣) so he suggested swimming tomorrow to which I said ok.. and then starting about the bikini.. I finally snapped and said “ what is your obsession with me wearing a bikini?? I’m not going to wear something I’m not comfortable in just to please you” I also said that I felt he was controlling and that it was extremely weird behaviour” but get this…

he starts fucking crying!! Now I’m the big bad Wolfe because I continue to refuse to give in to his relentless demands and because I’ve used words like controlling and weird.. by the way this is only one of those demands he tells me what underwear I should wear, what leggings what fucking socks.. so ladies give it to me straight am I the dickhead here or is he!

if you got this far your a legend ❤️ this is my first ever post I know it’s long so thank you x

Why not offer a compromise? You wear your bikini if he will wear a Mankini. (obviously I am not being serious). You sound like a strong person who can stand up to your bully of a husband, but it must cost you dear. Is it worth it?

What a prick this man is with his demands and his ridiculous crying. Yes, start planning to leave. He'll escalate. Your anxiety will improve without this dickhead in your face all the time.

I’d be buying him a mankini and begging him to wear it. Then use it to slingshot him out the door

Doesn’t like you going out? Wants to control what SOCKS you wear?! Bloody hell, I wouldn’t tolerate any of that. Please start your route out. Are you married? In which case you have a much better case re the house, even if it is in his name.

This is awful. Spying on you, looking at the cameras you can’t access then trying to catch you out. This bikini BS is just the tip of the iceberg. Keep talking to your family - he is bad news all round.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

Here's the freedom program book

It comes at the cost of my mental health unfortunately.. I feel like I’m constantly in defence mode.. as a previous poster posted maybe I wouldn’t need medication if I was away from him because although I do suffer from both anxiety/depression I’m very proactive about it and can tell when I’m plummeting and what I need to do to get out of the dark place, but, it’s obviously harder when the reason I’m plummeting is because of my other half.. I’m never going to get better as long as I stay

If he tries crying again, give him a box of tissues and tell him to pull himself together!

UPDATE!! Sleepless night partly due to baby but more so my brain not switching off. Partner got up for work at 5am I was already up with baby. I told him we need to talk when he’s home that I’d get a sitter. He asked why so I very calmly told him that he is abusing me in the form of coercive control and that he either goes to therapy both together and alone to change his ways or I’m leaving. I told him it’s not up for negotiation. He said he’d go so we’ll see. I’ve already reached out to therapists. He said “by the sounds of if you already have one foot out the door” I replied “because I do”..

So we shall see.. I just want to thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post and for your genuine care for a complete stranger. If I didn’t get all of those honest replies I might not have been as strong so thank you 💐❤️

I have a feeling he’ll cry in couples therapy when his true self is shown to another individual.. everyone says he’s “such a nice guy” so he won’t like me outing his behaviour..

Thank you so much a previous poster also recommended this I’ll get onto that immediately ❤️

Wow that’s exactly it minus the beating!! I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t sort of thing.. there’s no winning either way

Good for you OP his behaviour is truly crap. I am no specialist but I think the general recommendation is NOT to do therapy with an abuser because it gives them another avenue to attack you. So be wary of couple therapy. Look after yourself

As someone who's been there:

1. He will probably offer to go to couples counselling with you. This is NOT advised in relationships where abuse is present.
2. He might go to an abuse perpetrators therapist. This has a high rate of failure for coercive controllers, as they are known to simply find other ways of controlling.
3. Please read this: dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Good luck, you won't be able to convince him to treat you well. He likely doesn't have it in him to change long-term. He's doing these things because he wants to, Think about that. He could want to be kind and treat you well.

May I suggest that you contact Women’s Aid and do the Freedom Programme - in person, not online because you’ll meet other women in similar situations. He’s a dick. Be careful x

No couple’s counselling (it can increase the risk) and tell him before he considers individual counselling to engage with a perpetrators course. If you find your local domestic abuse service they should offer this service.

Ew. Obviously he’s being weird. I’d tell him that if he makes one more comment about what I wear I will consider it a pattern of abuse.

Please be careful OP. The way he is acting is like he has some kind of fetish at the thought of other men looking at you sexually.
Hundreds if not thousands of women have found out that this goes to much more sinister places than just wanting other men to be jealous they have a beautiful woman on their arm and have found out that there husbands have been posting intimate pictures of their wives while sleeping for other men over the internet

Don't do couples therapy if you are being abused. That's a hard no. Be very careful from now on. He will realise he's losing control of you and this puts you and your children in danger. Please contact your local Women's Aid urgently and ask for help in how to leave this relationship safely.

You might also like to contact your local police and ask for advice. I was told I could have had a 'flag' put on my address which would have triggered a very different response when the police did get involved.

Good luck @Overstimulatedmam

He's absolutely horrible; controlling, manipulative and no respect for your boundaries. I'd tell him I'd wear a bikini when he does, or better still, a gold sequinned thong.

OP, just quoting this post so you get a notification.

One small observation and suggestion. You said he would check if you'd taken your meds. Please make sure he doesn't have access to you meds. Just for safety.

I wish you well.

No point staying because your finances are intertwined and you have kids! He is toxic and a tw*t, leave and don’t look back.

You should NEVER have couples counselling with an abuser. NEVER. They will convince the therapist that everything is your fault and use that therapist as a weapon to beat you with. Your abusive partner has had years to hone his abuse so it's not obvious to outsiders. You and that therapist don't stand a chance.

Get separate counselling.

EDIT
Please speak to Women's Aid immediately. Before the counselling, before you fall down a dangerous and very deep hole you might never climb out of.

Counselling with abusers is not advised. Beware! He might play nice for a while now you have revealed your thoughts but he will revert to form and possibly even escalate. Please get support in planning your escape route.

Bloody hell, he sounds insufferable! I’m glad you’re seeing him for who is he now and I hope you can get your own place with your children really soon.