Partner trying to tell me what to wear!! HELP

[Overstimulatedmam]

Hey everyone, AIBU to think my partner is being controlling by pressuring me into wearing a bikini into the pool. I have 3 kids never wore a bikini in public even before said kids. I’m just not comfortable!

I have worn a bikini in front of my partner on a secluded breaks.. he told me I looked great and I was happy with that.. now he wants me to wear them to bring our kids swimming. I told him no that I’d be wearing a one piece and he keeps banging on about why won’t I wear the bikini even tho I’ve told him MULTIPLE times if not HUNDREDS times that I’m just not comfortable with that. I have wobbly bits and stretch marks for reference! The reason I’m even saying that is because he constantly comments on other women’s bodies things like “ jeez she could do with going to the gym” or “ oh god look at the kangaroo pouch on her” 😡😡😡 take in mind I have a “kangaroo pouch” after birthing his children 2 of whom were c-section deliveries! I told him it sickens me to hear him talking about women like that and he wonders why I’m not comfortable! The fuckin oil painting himself! ANYWAY…

He gets so so annoyed with me over this literally badgers me and huffs and puffs.. it quite literally starts arguments. Usually I just keep a cool head a leave him have his fit/ignore him but Tonight it came to a head (he brought it up when I was hangry🫣) so he suggested swimming tomorrow to which I said ok.. and then starting about the bikini.. I finally snapped and said “ what is your obsession with me wearing a bikini?? I’m not going to wear something I’m not comfortable in just to please you” I also said that I felt he was controlling and that it was extremely weird behaviour” but get this…

he starts fucking crying!! Now I’m the big bad Wolfe because I continue to refuse to give in to his relentless demands and because I’ve used words like controlling and weird.. by the way this is only one of those demands he tells me what underwear I should wear, what leggings what fucking socks.. so ladies give it to me straight am I the dickhead here or is he!

if you got this far your a legend ❤️ this is my first ever post I know it’s long so thank you x

I did do counselling and had support workers when it came to courts and evidence, barring orders all that but I was very young. They had in fact relayed so much information to me and about the chances of falling back into another abusive relationship but coercive control is very sneaky and you don’t realise you’re in it until you’re in the thick of it.. it’s adding up all these situations that makes its coercive control.. it’s not just oh he wants me to wear a bikini and white Nike socks.. it starts out small and over the years and after every child they seemed to have got bigger and when you accumulate all of these things and stockpile them together that’s when it hits u in the face like a ton of bricks.. well that’s how it feels for me

I’m going to start my own savings account and get out x

Yes they’re incredibly clever at ensuring they’ve got you where they need you to be (typically in terms of your self esteem being eroded by them, financially reliant, isolated etc) before they trickle in the abuse. They’re also incredibly clever at manipulating you to make you question yourself instead of them, and manipulating others around you with the front they put on. You could do the freedom programme online now (it’s a tenner) or if you can hide a book or have a kindle you could read something secretly on, read why does he do that. Both will give you some extra courage and strength to start working on your exit strategy. In the mean time stay safe, as any perception he has of losing control will escalate the risk to you as he becomes more desperate to maintain any control he does have. It’s really positive your family know what he’s been doing so they can keep an eye on you.

I’d tell them to leave ❤️ I’d probably pack there bags and demand they stay with me being honest.. I think because I’m not timid or soft spoken that people think I’m fine.. and I am in a way I suppose as I can hold my own and won’t conform to his demands… am I happy? No.. right now I’m apprehensive about the future and what being a single mother of 3 kids will be like, one of whom has SEN but there’s always a silver lining and for me that will be when I leave and I’ve already grieved the what it’s and I get to be in a home with no unnessary stress or anxiety x

Maybe he should wear a g string?

Seriously anyone who has ever swum with children knows they grab for you and even a one piece can be revealing enough in their hands.

Something wrong with him OP...gives me the creeps

Here you go https://clares-law.com/ good luck OP

Narcissists usually cry when you call them out on their vile shit behaviour

Go now. There is never a good time. Time passes quickly and there will always be an excuse. Can your mum have you temporarily? Speak to the police and have his behaviour noted on record. They will advise and support you and maybe open your eyes to how dangerous a situation you are in. The more time passes the more entrenched you will be. Please leave and be the example your kids need. If you wouldn’t want them thinking this is how a normal relationship is and following in your footsteps then leave. Show them your strength and teach them you and they deserve more.

What changed 2/3 years ago to make him start behaving like this? How old are your children?

@Overstimulatedmam please speak to women's aid. If you can, borrow someone else's phone or email address to get in touch in case he is tracking you calls/emails. There is help out there. You may get priority for a council house.

I'm really glad to see you have a plan to save but the priority should be keeping yourself safe and the experts can help with that. Wishing you all the best

If you know he's a controlling manipulative twat why are you staying. Please leave him.

As a guy, I agree with the broad sentiment here: if you're not comfortable, don't do it and he's weird and disrespectful for pushing so much.

I am curious about what is going on inside his head. Perhaps he wants to show you off to inflate his ego? Maybe seeing you looking attractive (to him) in public makes him feel grateful to have you... ?

Your 'why' is reasonable. Why is this so important to him?

Reassurance that you look great in a bikini is ok, everything else is controlling. Also quite different wearing a bikini on holiday vs local indoor pool. I personally do wear one though as more comfortable, I have a rash vest for the outdoor pool

I hope you eventually leave him.

I mean, I hope you leave him now, but I also hope you eventually leave him.

Get him some sort of Borat style string thing
Or rainbow budgie smugglers
Demand he wears them
Cry if he doesnt

And yeah, leave him as hes a controlling misogynistic arse

It sounds awful. My husband had never commented on my choice of swimwear or underwear in over thirty years. The only thing he has asked me not to wear was a tortoiseshell hair band band with very light bits which he said made me look like I had mould growing in my blonde hair. He certainly didn't cry over it.

I wrote hastily above.

> I have told him he’s narcissistic and that gaslighting me won’t work that he needs to stop playing the victim and stop the need for control!

Sounds like you have a fair idea of his motivation.

I don’t think he changed 2/3 years ago I think I opened my eyes 2/3 years ago and realised I really disliked some of the behaviours he was displaying and how they made me feel.. I brushed them under the rug before that and made excuses for him in my own head

Oldest in 14 years old, then 7years and surprise baby is 8 months old

I would not stay with this whinging, controlling, misogynistic bratty manchild.
I would have zero respect for him..

Would he wear a mini pair of trunks?

Tell him "No" is a complete sentence , bin the bikini and tell him it has gone.
One more word about it and he will be binned too. And mean it!

Make him watch the film GASLIGHT with Ingrid Bergman available on Amazon.
Put it on all the time.
Tell him he needs counselling for his women's clothing fetish. Spell it out that he has a fetish re clothes - your clothes.
Tell him on holiday he needs to only wear speedos at the pool. Let him know they are the law in France for hygiene reasons and you must insist on this hygiene from him.
Give as good as you get or just tell him to shut up.

He wants to show her off to inflate his ego yes, but also then later he can get angry about the men looking at her and call her a slag and beat her up.

He’s mantipulating you by crying. Don’t back down. Leave him.

He sounds like a right, insufferable dickhead.