Partner trying to tell me what to wear!! HELP

[Overstimulatedmam]

Hey everyone, AIBU to think my partner is being controlling by pressuring me into wearing a bikini into the pool. I have 3 kids never wore a bikini in public even before said kids. I’m just not comfortable!

I have worn a bikini in front of my partner on a secluded breaks.. he told me I looked great and I was happy with that.. now he wants me to wear them to bring our kids swimming. I told him no that I’d be wearing a one piece and he keeps banging on about why won’t I wear the bikini even tho I’ve told him MULTIPLE times if not HUNDREDS times that I’m just not comfortable with that. I have wobbly bits and stretch marks for reference! The reason I’m even saying that is because he constantly comments on other women’s bodies things like “ jeez she could do with going to the gym” or “ oh god look at the kangaroo pouch on her” 😡😡😡 take in mind I have a “kangaroo pouch” after birthing his children 2 of whom were c-section deliveries! I told him it sickens me to hear him talking about women like that and he wonders why I’m not comfortable! The fuckin oil painting himself! ANYWAY…

He gets so so annoyed with me over this literally badgers me and huffs and puffs.. it quite literally starts arguments. Usually I just keep a cool head a leave him have his fit/ignore him but Tonight it came to a head (he brought it up when I was hangry🫣) so he suggested swimming tomorrow to which I said ok.. and then starting about the bikini.. I finally snapped and said “ what is your obsession with me wearing a bikini?? I’m not going to wear something I’m not comfortable in just to please you” I also said that I felt he was controlling and that it was extremely weird behaviour” but get this…

he starts fucking crying!! Now I’m the big bad Wolfe because I continue to refuse to give in to his relentless demands and because I’ve used words like controlling and weird.. by the way this is only one of those demands he tells me what underwear I should wear, what leggings what fucking socks.. so ladies give it to me straight am I the dickhead here or is he!

if you got this far your a legend ❤️ this is my first ever post I know it’s long so thank you x

He sounds revolting, and honestly incredibly weird.

Buy him a particularly ridiculous skimpy thong and insist he wears it ?!

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck!!

What a pathetic manchild.

You deserve peace, to be respected and cherished. Not this.

Most Hs don’t want other men looking at their wives. Your situation (well him to be specific) isn’t normal OP.

What’s with the crying? Does he think if he cries enough you’ll put on the bikini?

Probably time to get your ducks in a row.

The checking of meds that's psycho behaviour on top of everything else
I hope you can find a way out and be away from him.

Buy him a borat style mankini and tell him if he wears that to the pool you will wear the bikini but until then he can fuck right off

Tell him from now on

You will be wearing exactly what you want to

Round house kick him into reality !

Tell him you will give him something real to cry about.... the door

Mankini, great suggestion

unfortunately this is my reality! X

I think you really do need to start planning to leave. This is a pretty high level of attempted control and abuse and although your experiences may have normalized it for you, it’s in no way actually normal, let alone healthy. Please be aware that your daughter is now having this normalized for her.

In the meantime, until you can leave, you need to set a clear boundary with him that discussion about what you do or should wear is off limits permanently and you will not be engaging with him if he tries to tell you what to wear.

If he does, literally ignore him. Act as though he hasn’t spoken. If he asks why you’re ignoring him, tell him “I told you I wouldn’t be engaging in discussions about what I wear.” Then continue to literally ignore anything more he says about it. Don’t argue, don’t explain yourself, don’t push back, literally just ignore.

He started crying? He sounds like a complete prick

You went from one abusive relationship straight into another one.

You say you can ‘see through his controlling ways’ but actually, I don’t think you’re actually seeing them fully at all. You’re making light of his behaviour as if it’s just some annoying quirk that he has, something you can just brush off as ‘haha, men, what are they like?’ But it isn’t like that. He’s literally starting arguments with you just for the sake of it, manipulating you by crying, gaslighting you etc. Your self-esteem is shot to pieces because of his comments about women’s bodies. You’re walking on eggshells. You can’t even go out and have a drink without a fight first. Just because you don’t do what he tells you to, that doesn’t mean he isn’t controlling you. He absolutely is controlling you, because he’s messing with your head 24/7 and making you constantly unhappy and tense and anxious.

He’s a cunt and you need him out of your life.

Yes I agree he wants people to be jealous or something as he would be a show off financially if that makes sense like look what I have!!

Not that they’d be jealous of me I didn’t mean it that way just more of wanting people to look.. oh god I dunno how to explain it 🫣

Thank fuck I don't have a man in my life stuck in the 1950's telling me what I can and cannot wear day to day.

Life is bliss without that shit.

Believe me when I say this.. everything you have taken the time to type I have thought to myself at some point.. i really can see it. I even told him that I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight mode because as soon as he’s home from work my back goes up and anxiety sets in.. I’ll say to myself “I wonder what joke I’ll be at the expense of today” or when he asks me a question I over explain because I feel he interrogates me about every little thing. I have voiced all this and I have told my mam and brother recently too.. when I tell you they were APPALLED!! They were so so shocked they didn’t have a clue any of this was going on.. there’s obviously a lot more that I haven’t got into.. this post tonight was more so about the bikini situation but in general I am interrogated daily.. he’ll say things like “oh any callers today” but he has cameras outside the house that I don’t have access too so can see any comings and goings.. if I say no because I could of forgot like genuinely forgot he’ll say stuff like “see ur lying what about when X called at X time” so ya I see it trust me.. my tolerance has finally run out

He sounds gross. Eew.

Is there some guy there he's feeling inferior to or something I wonder. Or someone else. It is a bit odd he's so hung up on it

Oh op every update the picture of how you live gets blacker.
It's heartbreaking to read never mind live it.

What you’re describing is text book abuse. This image should help you to realise the different ways he is abusing you.

Did you do the freedom programme or have any one to one support from a domestic abuse worker after your last relationship? They should have explained that research shows once you’ve been in one abusive relationship you’re more vulnerable to forming others in the future and sadly that’s clearly what’s happened.

How are you feeling about what you want to do next?

Those were not real tears, they were manipulative! But, kudos, well done for sticking up for yourself and I hope he never mentions a bikini again, or any of your clothes.

Sadly, sounds like your hubby is a controlling moron. He needs to stop all of it.

No not at all.. I don’t even have male friends but I am social he’s introverted id talk to a wall I have so much experience socially as I work in healthcare and talk to people from all walks of life daily and enjoy conversing with people and gettin to know just about anyone but in very social settings like work or the local shops etc.. I do think it stems from his own insecurities being honest.. he has been asked many times how he pulled me and that I’m out of his league... not my words by the way.. his friends are just like him so I reckon they all wind eachother up about fancyin each others wives.. wouldn’t surprise me at all!!!

I hope you find the strength to get out of this. He's the cause of your anxiety, you being unhappy. No way to live your life..

I feel so sorry for you living this way. What would you say to your friend or daughter if they told you their life was this awful?

I read your OP to my DH. His take is “He sounds a bit weird, especially the crying business. He’s not listening to the fact that you are uncomfortable. He is BU. And he was stupid for taking you on when you were hangry. It’s all very odd. Clearly, his problem is that he is wanting you do something in public that you are not comfortable with”.