AIBU to ask my child to do prep for 11+ entrance papers and homework?

[Pigwig22]

Sort fof looking for advice but posting with AIBU for visibility.

My nine yo is dyslexic, and can struggle with school work. She generally gets there, but we have to take a bit longer to embed the knowledge. She particularly struggles with tests and has very low self esteem when it comes to school work.

We have found some private schools we would really like to send her to as we feel they would be the best environment and support for her, and have the means to do it.

They are not super selective, but they still have tests and an interview. The only one I have found with no test, we would have to move to send her to as we are not on the bus network and that presents several challenges.

She was asking me about the schools and I explained there are tests and an interview so we should do some prep for them, but they are not like the grammar tests. She flipped out about it.

She got very upset, said she can't do them, that she is worried she won't get in. Complete meltdown. We said it doesn't matter, if you don't get in it won't be the right school for you.

But we do really believe these are the right schools for her and we really do need her to sit them with the right attitude and to try her best. I would like to do soft prep, not talking major tutoring, but 2-3 half hour practice sessions a week on Atom or something.

She also frankly needs to be doing this amount of homework to keep up at school and I don't want her to fall too far behind.

But I worry the more I push her the more she fights it and her self esteem seems to take a battering.

She goes to a compeitive, test focused school where 70% of the kids will go to top grammars and they have high levels of greater depth across KS2 sats. We don't actually live in a grammar area, but next door so these kids really do get high marks. They are also all hyper aware so lots of comparison at school between results and some of the kids are quite mean to her about her results.

So, the second part of my question is, should we take her out of this high pressured environment and put her in the private school earlier (she still needs to do test and interview, but no other children will be doing it so less competition I guess). She does not want this as she wants to stay at school with her friends.

Any tips on how I can foster a more healthy approach and attitude to homework and tests and help her self esteem? I should add she is brilliant at other things including art, sport and non verbal reasoning. But she still always fixates on how she thinks she is still not the best at these...

I have bought her journals, spoken about how everyone has things they find hard and easier, spoken to her teacher about the way tests and results are handled in school and focused on her effort rather than her score when she does do well.

100% agree not every / most private schools wouldn't be better - no way I would send her to the one I went to. But that is why we have done our research.

My experience of state is exactly what you describe. Just more spelling and more reading, no adjustments or different appraoches whatsoever but also high pressure.

The problem for my DD at the moment is her primary school is a hot house and it doesn't cater for her needs. Most of the kids there are being heavily tutored for 11+, 70% on average to to grammar from the school and the kids are hyper aware of exam results and where everyone in the class sits. And, frankly, kids can be mean.

The school is slowly destroying her confidence. The get other children to hand back exam papers within the classroom, marks visible on front, and then tell the kids what their result means in terms of what they would get in their KS2 SATs in an open classroom. I have complained, but I'm fighting a tide of pushy parents who are desperate for this knowledge and frankly a school that only cares about it's rankings.

This is why I have looked long and hard at the best places for her next. Places that are more well rounded.

I have spoken to the schools we like at length and I'm happy with their approaches.

No. Mainstream independent schools are often terrible at SEN. There is no evidence to support the idea that smaller classes are better for dyslexia (there is for children with some other sorts of needs). It makes sense - smaller class, more time with the teacher, but it isn't supported by evidence.

Do have a look at CResTeD for their list of schools with a specialisation in dyslexia - many are independent schools offering withdrawal classes for English / maths, others offer different models of support.

If you're going to go for a school not on the CResTeD site, ask them questions - how many dyslexic children have been asked to leave in the last five years? What adjustments are made in mainstream lessons? Do any of the teaching / support staff have Level 5 / 7 qualifications in Dyslexia? How many pupils had access arrangements for the summer exams? Do they have any support from an Educational Psychologist ora teacher with additional qualifications in teaching dyslexic pupils?

Wonder if an executive function skills coach might be useful OP? Someone to look with her at what makes her so anxious about the prep and to help her work out what strategies fit her best to get her confidence up.

OP I’d seriously consider moving her now.

I assume you’re in Kent given the schools you mention. Your primary will be obsessed with the Kent test plus SATs. Both of which are meaningless for a private school. Year 6 could be a SATs route march that won’t help her confidence.

How about framing it as a ‘familiarisation’ paper? Tell her that the school will use it to see what she already knows and what they need to teach her. They’ll look at the work of everyone who completes it and use it to establish what to teach in year 7. Tell her that’s different to having a pass or fail mark, so she should do her best to show them what she knows but not worry too much about any gaps in her knowledge as they won’t mind.

There are many, many private schools which cater for lots of varying needs - it's not possible for her to not be the right personality for all of them.

@Pigwig22 if you can afford it and they're all through schools, just move her now.

First, you don't ask a child. You tell them.

Second, you approach it with subtlety, so the issue is not polarised and it's natural. Don't set it out as a goal. That is an adult's way of thinking.

Every child is capable of understanding they have to work to achieve things though. Perhaps if you are looking at private schools the sports options might act as an incentive.

I’ve asked these types of questions to the schools we’ve selected and am happy the answers suit my DD.

We are!