AIBU to ask my child to do prep for 11+ entrance papers and homework?

[Pigwig22]

Sort fof looking for advice but posting with AIBU for visibility.

My nine yo is dyslexic, and can struggle with school work. She generally gets there, but we have to take a bit longer to embed the knowledge. She particularly struggles with tests and has very low self esteem when it comes to school work.

We have found some private schools we would really like to send her to as we feel they would be the best environment and support for her, and have the means to do it.

They are not super selective, but they still have tests and an interview. The only one I have found with no test, we would have to move to send her to as we are not on the bus network and that presents several challenges.

She was asking me about the schools and I explained there are tests and an interview so we should do some prep for them, but they are not like the grammar tests. She flipped out about it.

She got very upset, said she can't do them, that she is worried she won't get in. Complete meltdown. We said it doesn't matter, if you don't get in it won't be the right school for you.

But we do really believe these are the right schools for her and we really do need her to sit them with the right attitude and to try her best. I would like to do soft prep, not talking major tutoring, but 2-3 half hour practice sessions a week on Atom or something.

She also frankly needs to be doing this amount of homework to keep up at school and I don't want her to fall too far behind.

But I worry the more I push her the more she fights it and her self esteem seems to take a battering.

She goes to a compeitive, test focused school where 70% of the kids will go to top grammars and they have high levels of greater depth across KS2 sats. We don't actually live in a grammar area, but next door so these kids really do get high marks. They are also all hyper aware so lots of comparison at school between results and some of the kids are quite mean to her about her results.

So, the second part of my question is, should we take her out of this high pressured environment and put her in the private school earlier (she still needs to do test and interview, but no other children will be doing it so less competition I guess). She does not want this as she wants to stay at school with her friends.

Any tips on how I can foster a more healthy approach and attitude to homework and tests and help her self esteem? I should add she is brilliant at other things including art, sport and non verbal reasoning. But she still always fixates on how she thinks she is still not the best at these...

I have bought her journals, spoken about how everyone has things they find hard and easier, spoken to her teacher about the way tests and results are handled in school and focused on her effort rather than her score when she does do well.

She has a dyslexia tutor.

Ha maybe!

Yes asked all these sorts of questions and had meetings with the head and Senco of the schools we’ve chosen.

I think you are making too much of a thing of finding a secondary school, you’re going to stress your DD out even more.

Our top one it doesn’t sound over the top to me when I asked and they all have homework clubs where they can stay and get support in school with doing it.

Can this tutor help her with the tests then?

You’re probably right - we just live in such a black spot for secondary schools and it is stressing me out!

Maybe, but she’s a dyslexia specialist not a 11+ specialist and in the long run the dyslexia support is more important

you have decided that your child, who is scared of tests, needs to take tests. It must sound to her as though you aren’t listening. Not all private schools are selective. You need to find one of them. Once her confidence builds, she’ll more easily be able to take tests. The poor girl must feel so unseen by you.

I think private schools nowadays will take any child they can get. I wouldn't stress about the test, just go along and let them see her as she is. They will understand about test fear.

Can your DD read and spell properly ?

Back to the original question then as her dyslexia tutor is obviously irelavant...can you get her a tutor !

So i think you need to talk to her about the tests and whether she thinks this is enough or whether she needs more support or if there is a particular aid that would help her to feel more confident about the test, and if she comes up with something then advocate on her behalf for her to be able to use it in the test.

As mentioned, I’ve found one but we would need to move.

Unfortunately there is no getting round tests at school - she sits them constantly at primary school.

She can read to a good level and is an avid reader. Her spelling is best descried as creative!

We had considered two tutors but I think that is a bit OTT and I believe the dyslexic support is more important long-term. So I was going to use ATOM to support with the 11+ entry for now and review where we are before Xmas (so roughly a year away from the tests)

What are they using to help her spell?

It's not excessive as long as they are nice and she gets on with them.

The dyslexia tutor or school? School asbolutely zero. Other than in spelling, she meets expectations so they don't have the inclination to help, nor to be fair the resources or knowledge. Her class tutors have been great, but there are 30 kids in a class and some have more complex needs than my DD. It's a school of 840 pupils, 1 senco and no dyslexia specialsits. Probably why I'm disillusioned with the state system.

The tutor uses a range of methods, including movement and games, mnemonics and regular repeating / over learning of spelling rules. It definitely helps.

The interview was more like a chat to get to know my dd. She brought in a piece of work to show them (as requested), just so they had something to talk about really.

As long as your child speaks in her usual manner to them then she’ll be fine.

It’s just like chatting to any teacher at her school. It was 5 mins max.

This sounds absolutely dreadful! Is it even a school, with no staff or facilities?
I hope you manage to find a decent school for your child. What a worry 😟.

Look up selling rainbow mat and get one of those

We have one - the dyslexia tutor recommended it and uses it :)

I feel sorry for this little girl. Viewing 30 schools, considering moving house and putting this much research into schools will be putting a hell of a lot of pressure on her. No wonder she panics at the thought of sitting exams. She is probably pre empting your disappointment. I would seriously consider how much all this is affecting her childhood.

Obviously we have not involved her in all of that!! That would be mental.

We viewed the schools and went back with her to 3 of them - 2 private and 1 state that we might get into, but will probably be out of catchment for. She has picked one of the privates from those as her top choice and it has an exam and interview.

Based on the helpful responses here, I am basically thinking I will tell her what people have said above, it's not an exam to get in but so they can see what she knows - just like tests at primary school.

And then I guess just lie again if she doesn't pass...

Be careful.
Private does not equal better for dyslexic children. It needs to have excellent sen support and the ability to teach in different ways. You will also most likely still need to tutor on top of private school so factor that cost in. I have posted many times before of our experience. 9 yr old dyslexic ADHD twice exceptional girl. Very similar to how you described your child and at a similar state school now. She's much further behind and at least part of that is due to going to a private school who blinded us to the true extent of disability and also told us they were supporting her and she was within normal remit when she wasn't. 'Extra spelling and reading ' does not help with a dyslexic child if it's still being taught the same way. We ended up with a child who was super anxious and starting down a depressive route.
Despite not being anywhere near the top of the class she's much much happier being somewhere that works around her needs and doesn't care that she can't spell etc.
I would take the pressure right off now and give her brain time to develop more. Dyslexic kids start to suddenly catch up age 14 or so - that's the time to focus.
We all want the best for our kids but that doesn't always mean grammar or private is it. Make sure you take her head out of the rat race - so what if you don't get the grade you want. Just sit it again. The best adults I know in high powered jobs are the ones who failed and took a different route. You can spot the grammar school hot housed kids from a mile off and they always want 'extra time extra feedback extra hand holding'. It's exhausting.

Without being too outing it might be best to say which area you are in ? I am in Gloucestershire for example. So the grammar is super selective and the local schools don't look great on paper - 40% 4 and above for Maths and English and less in school activities etc however once you take into account that your child will most likely be in that 40% plus the excellent out of school activities and the fact the local area is very affluent then it's not bad at all. The grammar would be the worst choice for ours - the girls in her class are already hoity toity about prepping for grammar and she'd struggle once there due to little sen support. Better to be a medium fish in a smaller pond and then concentrate on flying high a little later.
In other areas posters might be able to give better advice.

OP my DD with AuDHD had to get tested for a more specific private school. Just tell her it’s so they know her level and how best to integrate her when she joins. It takes the pressure off.