AIBU to feel resentful about my partner's child and lack of boundaries?

[BlendedFamilyHELP]

First time ever using a forum! This is something I’ve struggled with for a while. I have been with my partner for a few years now who has a 9 year old child from a previous relationship. It is difficult in that the child is very spoilt, and there is not much boundary or discipline put in place by either parent. My partner is very tunnel vision and will let the child get away with almost anything, which is translating into the child having little respect for myself. I find myself struggling more as the child gets older as their behaviour continues to worsen - tantrums, screaming, shouting, they are even physical towards their other parent - and I’m starting to see they are also quite manipulative when it comes to getting their own way. I often feel like I’m not respected or listened to in my own home and I do fear the future as the child continues to get older, but I don’t feel like I can’t talk to my partner about this as they see the child as to put it bluntly, perfect. It can feel quite lonely as none of my friends are in the same position. But I do really love my partner and overall we have a great relationship, so walking away is not something I consider currently, but I’m not sure they would ever take a conversation about their child well. And I really hate to say, but it’s all led to resentment of the child. Open to any advice or similar story sharing!

Unfortunately I'd say walk away. I have a close friend who's partner bends over backwards for his only child to the point the adult kid in their 30s does not work and her partner pays his rent, bills and fines for driving without a licence they get regularly.
Some parents live to give their kids a care free life which doesn't help them at all when the parent leaves this world.

I'm in a boat where i struggle with my partners kids and they're not half this bad but I am at the point of decision making. It's not my partners fault or his kids fault I just have decided I can no longer do other people's kids. There are a lot of reasons but I'm done and we own a house so it's going to be another expensive experience where myself and my kids lose our house again but it is what it is. Just have to break it to him somehow.

If you are struggling with how the child is raised already it won't get better. Trust me. It's better to go before you're stuck like me.

Everyone is assuming the poster is female. I think it’s a man.

I’m assuming by your style that you’re a man? Are you trying to be this child’s dad? Because you’re not and shouldn’t try.

If this is how you feel about the child, understandably or not, you shouldn’t be in their life. This child doesn’t owe you the same respect they have for their parents. Be honest with your partner about how you feel, and hopefully he will do the right thing and put his child first. No child should have to grow up around Simone who resents them and thinks they’re spoilt.

However much you love your partner, the only
thing you can do is end the relationship. That’s literally the only solution. You’ve said yourself you can’t talk to him about his child’s behaviour or his lousy parenting, that you resent the child already. But you’ve also said you won’t end the relationship- at least yet. So I guess you’re stuck really. Just don’t get knocked up by him or you will be saddled with his crappy coparenting forevermore even if you split up.

Well this isn’t going to get better. And why I wouldn’t get. Involved with anyone with young children or impose anyone on my own.

What are your plans for the future? Do you have or want your own children? What are the custody and living arrangements? The only way I would continue with the relationship would be where we didn’t share a home or finances and just met when she/he is child free. Only works if you’re happy with that. The child almost certainly would prefer it if you weren’t with their parent. They are selfish because they are children and want all their parent to themselves.

I couldn’t be a step parent coming second to a child so wouldn’t countenance this situation.

OP I’ve been where you are, all be it we didn’t live together, because his child told him he wasn’t allowed to live with me. He spent one EOWwith him. I wasted almost 10 years on that man and wish I’d gotten out way sooner. He never disciplined his child, let him play morning, noon and night on the PS, allowed him to eat junk, treat hi mum like absolute crap, treat my youngest like a punch bag etc etc. it was horrendous. Yet, if I said anything, I was evil and I didn’t understand because the child “had problems” Too right he did; a feckless father who was too terrified to teach him right from wrong!
In the end, I realised I needed to walk away for my own self respect and sanity because I was fighting a losing battle to be heard and respected.

Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t care for you.

I do

Leave.

Problem solved.

Bingo! You're right.

That totally escaped me, but after reading your comment, I re-read the OP and I agree: the whole thing does have those hallmarks.

Yes, I'm reading backwards, and see you raised this. I now agree - though missed it myself.

I know you said you don't want to consider leaving but you can't stay in a relationship with someone when you resent their child. It's not fair on any of you, especially the child.

There is always someone who pops up on these threads and says "Oh but MN just hates sms" - as if, for some inexplicable reason, they just decide to hate for the sake of hating and as an automatic or kneejerk response, when, in fact, most of the times sms get a hard time on these threads is when they are showcasing the very issues that people consider problematic.

I think what MN does feel quite strongly about, however, is the fact that parenting is a joy but also - and more so - a responsibility. And with responsibility comes lots of reasons that as we parents we can't just put our wants first because we, well ... want to. Bringing a third party into a dc's life and home is a huge deal to them in terms of impact, and it needs to be approached with the dc's needs forward and centre.

And while a SM will never replace a parent, in walking into a long term relationship with a partner who has children, I believe they also, as decent human beings, have a responsibility to be honest with themselves as to whether they are prepared for the dc's needs to occupy that space in the new family arrangements, and, simply, whether they are really cut out for the role of SP. Hence the irritation of many MNers when someone walks into that role then comes on here complaining about the foreseeable as if it were a particularly nasty trick the kid has played on them.

I don't think it is a remotely easy role.

I know sms who have literally (and I use that word in its proper sense) been saviours for their scs, so they aren't just "bad guys" because of the step title. But sadly that isn't the norm - and, I think, for lots of understandable reasons. As @SnowSolst commented "I can no longer do other people's kids" - and I don't think that is an unusual reaction. DC are annoying, they are demanding, they are a style-cramping burden as well as a (very) great joy. In your situation, there is the additional complication of the dc being badly parented, which only compounds all those things. There is no shame in not wanting to be up for that. But I do think there is shame in not wanting to be up for that but also wanting to press on regardless of the fact you know you aren't. I do think that if you feel you resent this child, you have your answer as to whether it would be responsible of you to press ahead with this relationship.

Agree.

I voted YABU.

Not because you are unreasonable to expect to be treated well in your own house, but because you resent the child.

You are the adult, and the only one with any say or agency over what happens here.

The child can do nothing. They could not control their parents splitting up, their father leaving their home, who their parents choose as step parents for them. They are no doubt unsettled and upset, they are also probably afraid that they are losing their father's time and attention again.

It does not bode well that you believe you cannot talk about this with your boyfriend. So instead you are impotently passing all your resentment on to the young child, the only one who can do nothing about it.

There are two options. Your boyfriend parents his daughter properly, which probably won't happen. His guilt over his childs broken home (whether it was his fault or not) and spending a lot less time with her now is what results in classic 'Disney Dad' behaviour. It rarely ends.

Or you realise this situation is making at least two people deeply unhappy, that it will only get worse and walk away. Or I guess just accept that you will become bitter and the relationship between all of you slowly more toxic.

Stop blaming and resenting the child. The issue is with your boyfriend. If you can't resolve it with him, end the relationship.

Your resentment is misdirected. The child is a child. Their behaviour is a direct result of the adult around them. The have no choice in the situation the find themselves in . You do.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if you love your partner and get on well with them.
they come as a package, and if the child is 9 and badly behaved, it’s a likely consequence that as a teenager they will be terrible.
i would far far rather be single (or just go back to dating) than have to spend my downtime with a child like this.

if you don’t want to not live with your partner, then I’m not sure what solution you can expect people to say. There isn’t one.

also, from the child’s pov, it must be really horrible to live with someone who resents them.

Is the child with your partner full time? If not, I'd suggest living apart together - partner has their own place where child lives, you see each other when child with other parent.

OP, you won't get to be the winner on this one. The more you focus on it, the more defensive the parent will get, the more resentful you'll become, the more the kid will hate you because they'll pick up on you not liking them, the more the parent will defend their kid.

Either remove yourself emotionally and let your OH parent as he wishes. It is his right as the parent to do so whether you like it or not. The outcome of his choices are his responsibility not yours. You are much much better off playing the good guy with the kid and making them your friend. You'll have much more of a positive impact that way.

If you can't do that, then step out for food now because it will only get worse.

Firstly, NONE of this is the child’s fault - it’s the way they’ve been raised and the way their parents allow them to behave.

Secondly, it is unfair that you are growing to resent the child. They will know it, and that is no way for a child to grow up.

You have a boyfriend problem if he’s allowing his child to disrespect you.
Put on your big girl pants and have a conversation with him, not about how badly behaved you think his child is, but about how some of their behaviour is making you feel.

He’ll either address it, or not. Either way, you’ll have an answer about how your life with him is going to look. Then you have a decision to make.

I honestly think you are in a no win situation. You can't tell your partner how to parent his child. Even if someone needs to, it won't go well if it comes from you. You can't say you will only see your partner when he doesn't have his child with him because even if it makes sense in one way, it will make you look like a needy, jealous arsehole.

The child's behaviour towards you is likely to get worse as they get older and, as part of natural development, try to gain more power and autonomy. Parents usually steer that into healthy directions but that can fall by the wayside when co-parenting.

Get out now and find someone who doesn't have children who you can start your own family with, rather than remaining a bystander to someone else's who is expected to be grateful to be included and take whatever shit is thrown at them.

This will not be a problem that will go away. It’s likely the child will pick up on your resentment and this will cause you further issues.
all parents think their children are perfect, a lot of parents spoil their kids. It’s highly likely if the child was yours you wouldn’t see any problem in their behaviours. This is something you tend to only learn after you have kids yourself- which I’m not suggesting you do in your situation!
Poor kid having to live with someone who resents their existence

No way would I stay in this situation.

Leave

you dont have a great relationship otherwise, as their shitty parenting on impacting your life. The child wont disappear.