AIBU to feel lonely and left out at school events?

[Lonelyyy]

Feel really low after my 7 year olds sports day, the mums all seem very close and no matter how hard I try I just can’t get in with the group. I’ve invited them one to one and group to play dates etc. but I just always feel on the outside.im really lonely and I have a demanding job which leaves very little time to socialise outside of the school setting. I know when reading familiar threads people recommended “hobbies” but when do I have time for a hobby if I work full time s d only see my child on weekends so school is my only place to make friends. I feel very low. How can they all even the ones that work gel so quickly to one another.

I think so much of it is luck op, the kids playing together on a certain day so mums get talking or they bump into each other eg at soft play. When we joint our small rural school I realised there were tons of cousins there- it was nuts!! They of course all stuck together a bit but I have chatted to a fair few people too but it took time- 7 is soo young!! If you don’t stress about it it will all be easier as you’ll be less aware and so find it easier to start conversations (yes I know it’s a contradiction!!)

The few I have invited to my home were shocked where I live as I appear very minimal and wear nothing designer so the mums that look down at me must think( in my opinion )I am very poor. Again I don’t have facts obviously but this is what I think as I have been nothing but friendly to them. I drive a very modest car too whilst almost all of them drive range rovers. Come on you can tell when people look down at you. I get the sense they feel I’m not worth knowing If the mums you have invited to your home ever talk to the snotty mums, then they will be well aware that you live in a nice house. So if they really are looking down their nose at you, it’s not because they think you’re too poor to bother with. It might be that they don’t like your clothes or your haircut or your car, but they’ll be aware that there’s money there.

How much do you think you’ll have in common with those mums? If they’re judging your clothes and car? What would you have to spend to make yourself fit in with them? What would you have to change about yourself? And is it really worth it? I mean this with kindness but you need to stop hanging around on the outskirts of their group waiting for one of them to be nice to you. If any of them were going to do that, they’d have done it by now. Embrace your freedom to be who you are, without worrying that your ‘friends’ will dump you if your bag is Gucci rather than Chanel.

And those mums definitely won’t be friends by the time their DC leave school. They aren’t friends now; they’re situationships based on their children’s age and their love of designer clothing. They won’t even remember each other’s names in a few years.

This. Stop making effort. It doesn't work and leads to you feeling bad. Just accept that sadly, they know each other and don't seem to want to make room for others (why do you even want to spend time with people like that?). You need to either be happy in your own company or get on apps for making friends / setting up play dates etc - try Meetup or apps through your phone - do a search and see what comes up.

You know, when you start seeing these people for who they are and decide to only give your time and energy to people who deserve it, you do feel better! I get you may prefer a friendship group even if it's filled with people you don't necessarily like or respect, but the grass isn't greener. I've experienced both over the years and have decided to not bother with people who don't make the effort. Happened today actually. Someone new was being weird and not trying to get to know me and I was like.. okay, I'll just give you the same energy. Zero. And didn't think about it again. It was great. Interestingly, she did warm up a bit later.

I don’t actually want to be friends with them! I just find it awkward at school events that I don’t have anyone to talk to or stand with. They are so chatty with each other. I go alone to the events as DH works away a lot so he doesn’t go. I just wa t to be able to attend school events and have someone to stand/sit with, if I become friends with them then that’s a positive.

This happened to me for years. When I finally made 2, yes 2, close friends they told me everyone was nervous of me! I was like "why on earth?" Turns out because I was about a decade younger and obviously have a resting bitch face. I was actually worried people were staring at me for all the wrong reasons. Just say hello, to one mum, whilst waiting for your child. That's my best advice and what I wish I'd done many years ago. Also volunteer at your kids sport for whatever you can do. Scoring, canteen, manager etc. Best wishes, remember everyone is feeling the same as you!

Your first post was all about not having any friends, and how you didn’t have time for hobbies to make any. Now you just want to stand/sit with people you don’t like because they’re not ‘humble’ at school events? Well, maybe they sense your disapproval and that your interest in them is purely tokenistic?

@Lonelyyy My DD2 went to a very good boarding prep as a day girl. I know perfectly well not all mums had Range Rovers and high end clothes! My DDs then boarded at 11 onwards. Again a few had a lot of money (a new Roller here and there) but most didn’t. You are clearly trying too hard with a minority! Of course there are other parents who don’t have all of this! Your money is coming from a variety of sources but this idea of being humble is bizarre. At preps, who cares?! Try and suss out the dc on bursaries. Or others scraping the fees together. You just look at a very narrow selection of parents and do not like them. So you won’t get anywhere!

DD who didn’t go to a prep had the dd of a surgeon and a cancer specialist in her class as well as a few dads in finance. They went to a state secondary too.