AIBU to feel lonely and left out at school events?

[Lonelyyy]

Feel really low after my 7 year olds sports day, the mums all seem very close and no matter how hard I try I just can’t get in with the group. I’ve invited them one to one and group to play dates etc. but I just always feel on the outside.im really lonely and I have a demanding job which leaves very little time to socialise outside of the school setting. I know when reading familiar threads people recommended “hobbies” but when do I have time for a hobby if I work full time s d only see my child on weekends so school is my only place to make friends. I feel very low. How can they all even the ones that work gel so quickly to one another.

Proximity means a lot - if you aren’t there very often it is hard to get to know each other. Maybe focus on other activities and groups in your evenings and who knows you might find some overlap of parents there too

I would try and do something for the pta. They usually meet in the evenings. Then events are usually evening too, or weekends. It does feel hard being left out and I do sympathize. Keep on arranging play for dc. In the end, we didn’t invite dc of cliques to
play. It felt pointless. Widening the net seemed a better idea. Not that friends for me were forthcoming but the pta parents were more welcoming.

What about making friends at work? Maybe your focusing on the wrong people?

I have tried PTA when I was working part time but I can’t get time off now. All PTA events are during the day and it takes up so much of my day. I volunteered every Xmas and Easter fare and it was 8-4. It’s a private school so I’m not sure if moving kids to state would be any different but I have considered it. I just find the mums very arrogant, there are so some humble and down to earth mums but they seem really busy and I hardly see them. I only see a group of SAHM who seem to look down at me, today I saw a couple of them looking me up and down - I was wearing my work clothes so a blouse and trousers.

I think this might be your problem, there is a stereotype for a reason, they will be looking down on you. They sound quite nasty and not the type of people you want as friends. I'm sorry OP, things may not always be this way, you will find your people but maybe just not these people.

I could have written this myself. I hate going to school events because I feel so ostracised by the other parents. I've tried being friendly, smiling, starting conversations etc but it's pointless. It's like they're far too important and popular to speak to the likes of me. It makes me feel so sad and lonely and I wonder what it is about me they don't like.

Why would you consider moving your children’s schools to facilitate your social life? That’s quite mad. And you don’t even like the fellow parents you see most often, so presumably don’t want to be friends with them anyway. So what exactly is the problem here? Some people you don’t like don’t like you either?

OP it seems like you have a lot of very difficult things in your past - and in the present. Do you think these could be colouring your view of yourself and making you read more into these mums' behaviour? It sounds like a few more friends wouldnt necessarily fix everything? I hope you can get some peace.

@Athwarthave you read the OPs updates? A bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss.

@Lonelyyy You are a poor fit for the type of school you have chosen. If you think other mums are arrogant, they have probably sensed you don’t approve and are not going to bother much. Why do you think well off people should be humble ? Totally bizarre. Many will be highly paid professionals and some will just be rich. I don’t see humble as a standard trait in this sort of school so maybe go state. Far more likely to find parent friends to meet your standards.

I find these friendships tend to be "air" friendships, especially if you only see each other at school I don't see any of the parents anymore, not that I ever managed to make good friends at the school gate. I was friendly with one who moved away and another one who went a bit strange (lost custody of her kids in the end).
I think it's quite rare to make really good friends at school with other parents but maybe that's just me.
Do you have friends where you work? Or from pre DC?

Aw I sympathise with you. I have a very demanding job and am absolutely stressed and exhausted. I’m never on form when it comes to making small talk with parents at parties. One DC who is popular frequently gets left out of smaller gatherings and told it’s cause I’m not friends with the childrens’ mums. I think that’s a bit shitty personally but hey ho! DC doesn’t seem phased so that’s all that matters.

I have managed to pick up a couple of mum friends along the way. The parents of DC2’s friends are way more chilled and less cliquey so it just depends how lucky you are or otherwise.

In your situation, I would focus on yourself and sorting your marriage out! Maybe worrying about these other people is a distraction. Making mum friends won’t make you happy…they’ll probably be transitional. Divorcing your miserable husband might!

My DH and his family are extremely wealthy so I don’t feel lesser than the mums in terms of wealth. I earn highly too and have a well thought career - what I meant was in terms of personality some of the mums are the type to look down at you. The few I have invited to my home were shocked where I live as I appear very minimal and wear nothing designer so the mums that look down at me must think( in my opinion )I am very poor. Again I don’t have facts obviously but this is what I think as I have been nothing but friendly to them. I drive a very modest car too whilst almost all of them drive range rovers. Come on you can tell when people look down at you. I get the sense they feel I’m not worth knowing,

Thank you. I think right now I need to stick to this marriage as I will come away with very little as his family are very familiar with how to hide assets.

@Bincollextion i think you are right I am trying to maybe distract from bigger issues!

OP. I sympathise with you as I've been through similar situations, though not particularly at school (as I never really cared).
The first thing you need to do is work on your mindset - there is nothing wrong with you and you need to truly believe that. Love and value yourself as a person. Once you overcome that, you will naturally attract people to you with far less effort. Remain friendly with people but not in desperation for their acceptance or validation. Some will click and some will not and you must be willing to accept that. Overtime, you will develop relationships without being forced. You can try a few self help books e.g. "Boost your self esteem in 30 days" if you haven't already and find similar books. That's what I did and now I'm comfortable with the friends I've got, had to let go of a few that I was desperately holding on to even though it was evident that I meant nothing to them and I'm okay too even in situations where I find myself alone.

I don't usually send people to the GP for just being humans and having various emotions but if the fact the schoolgate hurts you a lot might be a sign you need your focus elsewhere and if you cannot do this on your own emotional power, I would find a way to journal, have coffee by myself and reframe it anyway I can but help myself

Really sympathise, they don't sound very nice. In fact I'd go so far as to say it is immature and not very classy of them to just ignore your friendly overtures. I mean, it wouldn't commit them to being your best pal, just to the bare social minimum of kindness and inclusivity.
You on the other hand can hold your head high as you have made efforts and been friendly.
It probably stings more because of the baseline unhappiness regarding your marriage, and the need for a support network outside.
Hope things will improve for you.

I made no friends at my children’s first school. I then moved and there was a class coffee morning every week. Early enough that even if you worked you could drop in for a quick coffee. Then I found my sons year group I had much more affinity with and even though he’s 22 I’m still friends with a core group . My other friends are from work - people I met in my 20s.

When my DC started primary, I had just moved to this city, and over half the class had been in nursery together. They were all so tight, I really thought I'd always be on the edge of the group.

I joined the PTA, which helped me make a couple of friends and it just kind of snowballed. I volunteered for so many things over the years, so got to meet loads of different parents. I know so many of the parents in the school now and have lots of friends there.

I hate to hear of parents feeling the way you do, and sometimes I hear of some parents in my DCs school saying the same thing, and I genuinely feel they are reading it wrong. I don't think that they are intentionally being excluded. I know that I have probably seemed like I am not friendly or welcoming sometimes at a coffee morning or at the gate, but it is usually because I am stuck in to a chat about something that isn't just chit chat, so it is hard to invite someone in to it!
If I was having a bit of surface level chit chat, I would include anyone.
This has opened my eyes though, and I will definitely be more conscious of including people in future.

Sorry you feel like this @Lonelyyy. Not sure why another poster stated you arent a good fit for the private weathy/professional parent's and they arent humble due to your dc's school.

This isnt about you but I would stop trying to make friends with parents who are clearly not interested. Why worry about fitting in when they dont sound a very nice bunch of people. Are your dc's happy? You say you are lonely but these parents arent your fit and why would you want them to be.
I have three dc's in private school and I wasnt bother making friends. I was adamant but then I meet two ladies when my youngest started school. We just got on well and they are down to earth. I live in an affluent area but their is an minority that act very intitled. Ignore them. You will meet friends but dont try so hard. You will probably find the same at a state school so why would you move schools. Hope things improve for you. You will meet nice parents in the future or make friends outside the school environment.

School gates are notoriously cliquey and not for the faint hearted. I wouldn't bother trying to make friends there.

I took my ds to weekend karate classes where I joined as an adult beginner. I made my friends there and at parkrun.

I think it’s with many things though you just have to try and try again. If the chat on Sports Day didn’t work, try again next event and so on. Volunteer for something even if a smaller capacity when working. But OP, if you do make friends with these mums and you are already low on time, what will change if you are having a chat anyway? Will you miraculously have more spare time to spend with these women and attend social events with them if you are included?

I think I’d never deliberately or meanly stop chatting to someone however if a mum is rushing past with, “Can’t talk, work,” constantly, I’d probably save my breath for the mum that can stop for a few minutes.

I totally agree with all this.

However, from your updates, this isn't the real issue in your life.
You say you are in a very unhappy marriage, and have implied that you have no friends. It is not the responsibility of other parents who happen to have chosen the same school as you to sort that out. You need to do something about it.

It is 2026. Why are you staying in "a very unhappy marriage" ?
You say you are a high earner, so I can't see that you are trapped in the way poverty sometimes traps people.

Again, you don’t like them, they don’t like you. There’s no difficulty here. Unless you want to be befriended by people you don’t like for some mysterious reason?