AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

This. It's also odd that some posters find it odd that you wear your engagement ring. It's a piece of jewellry and it's your to do with as you wish. Wear it on whatever finger you like, or through your nose, or up a flag pole in the garden or sell it, or fling it into the sea, entirely up to you OP. Absolutely nobody's business but yours.

The funeral was 2 years ago? He needs to let it go.

As for the writing, as long as you are not defaming anyone, again, it's your business not his. He can love it or hate it or ignore it. Or god forbid he could grow up.

Don't allow him in the house again. From now on respond to his nonsense with an excellent phrase from another current thread: "There We Are Then".

Even if your ex dh was the only parent who got your kids neatly dressed for it and your dad loved him and he loved your dad? You’d be a jerk if you objected.

What a knob. i am team wear your wedding dress 😁
other things you can practice saying… that’s funny my friend thought it didn’t look like an engagement ring at all. (Even if it really obviously does)

I know what you’re worried about and don’t worry, I won’t sit in the middle at your funeral, I won’t be there at all.
is everything all right at home? Nothing going on that will affect the kids? Hmm.

He sounds very overbearing. You were married for a long time, you are part of the community, he can't make you disappear.

The things you have described might be a bit unusual or insensitive in some contexts, but if you felt they were okay given all of the circumstances then you don't have to listen to him. The fact that he came into your house to tell you off suggests he is the one being a prick. Tell your children not to let him in again.

Oh and importantly, ‘did you know tis not compulsory to read my medium articles? Tell all your friends. Unless you’re paying them to keep tabs on me in which case I guess it’s their job but it’s also stalking and harassment, with you turning up in my house to have a go at me about my life. Get out before I decide to get dreadlocks and start doing the weekly shop in my underwear so you actually have something to talk about. I’ll still be wearing my ring if I do that. Don’t come back.

Personally, I would not tolerate any man (or woman for that matter) telling me what jewellery I may or may not wear, or how I may or may not wear it. It is genuinely surprising how many MN-ers think that the OP should obey him and either remove the engangement ring or move it to another finger.

He sounds very insecure. It's his problem, not yours. Just carry on being you but maybe not write things that others read which concern him.

His partner is jealous of the ring. She is also upset about constantly being compared to you (the mother of his kids) and coming up short.
None of these are your problem. He is a weird little man.

"We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely."

This bit really stood out for me - he's losing his hold over you, losing his last bit of control and he doesn't like it so he's pushing harder whilst he still can. The end is in sight and that's not OK by him, it sounds like he's is going to go kicking and screaming.

It did make me wonder if the ring is a “family” ring and he was trying to get it back.
He needs to get used to the idea that your place is no longer his place and he shouldn’t just turn up when he likes.
I can’t tell if he is particularly entitled or you are too passive but I couldn’t imagine a situation where my ex husband would have turned up at my house and acted like that and wasn’t challenged shall we say - he did try it but soon got the idea - set some boundaries for yourself and him - his right to have a say in what you do has ended
wrt the writing- you can write what you like - I won’t say as long as it’s true because everyone’s truth is different- but I would consider the impact it might have on your children
When my mother in law dies I will definitely be at her funeral, for my benefit, even though I have been divorced for more than two decades and have remarried - she has been a part of my life for a very long time and I will miss her
As time passes you’ll find your own way of navigating things - once the financial stuff is over and done with you can make your own choices

Tell your kid not to let his dad into your house.

I think it's really shady he doesn't want you wearing your ring and offered to "store" it for you. He might try to look for your ring in your home. He doesn't have keys does he? If he possibly does, change your locks.

The bottom line for me is that he's an ex, so you don't have to care what he thinks or listen to his opinions. Maybe it's a bit unusual to wear an engagement ring after the relationship has ended, but there's nothing wrong with it, if that's what you want to do. Unless you're writing or doing something that could legitimately embarrass your children (not just in that 'all parents are embarrassing' phase way), it's none of his business.

YANBU to ignore him completely and carry on doing exactly as you please.

Really?
"Don't look now but it looks like your ex wife is engaged!
"wtf! Why do you say that?
"she's wearing an engagement ring on her wedding finger
(looks)
"oh no... that's the ring I gave her
"wtf?!! Why would she still be wearing it on her wedding finger? Does she want you back? Are you not telling me something? What's her problem?"
etc etc etc... if the new partner has issues with the ex it would explain him coming round and making a scene. Not saying it's ok though

He needs to learn that you can do what you want. It's your life to write about, your finger to dress, and you had every right to go to the funeral. Usually anyone who had a meaningful relationship to the deceased and wants to say goodbye can go. Since he was your FIL for 25 years and you're the mother of his grandchildren, I think you had a right to be there. It's really nice for the kids to have had you both there, and I think your FIL would have liked it. If your ex wanted to ban you, he should have, instead of going on about it later.

So basically he came over to have a go at you.

Well, he might not like the ring and the writing and the funeral attendance, but so what? Who made him the boss? You're a grown adult and can do what you like. Sound as if he hasn't quite accepted that he can't control you.

I notice he used the tactic "Everyone agrees with me!" I highly doubt that.

It does sound as if you might benefit from getting some distance from this little Napoleon strutting about town, as you describe. Even if you moved twenty miles away, surely it would help.

As for the ring, I'm divorced and I kept my engagement ring, and sometimes I wear it on my wedding finger. The reason is because I'm SO over that finger being a marital symbol and I'll wear what I damn like on it. I'm past caring where it signifies whether or not I'm contracted to be someone's maid, cook, therapist, and regular shag. It's just a finger, same as my thumb, and it's just a ring. Wearing it on my right hand just feels wrong. It's a pretty, sparkly diamond, and I like it on my left hand, where it always was. I also only like rings on the two ring fingers as I think it's the most elegant look. I'm not giving up one of my favourite fingers because Society. So if I want to wear a pretty diamond solitaire on my left hand, I will, and sod what anyone else thinks. Raising a glass to you in solidarity, my friend.

You need to make sure he knows he can't just pop around every time he wants to give you a lecture.
"Hello, it's evening and you're at my door, is there an emergency? No? Ok, so have a good evening" (close door politely but firmly).
Don't ever let him think you will listen to him if he turns up.
At most say "if there is anything you need to communicate do feel free to send an email". If the email is abusive don't engage with the content, just write back "I do not engage with emails of this nature".
The point is to grey rock him.

You should listen to the audio book Let Them by Mel Robbins. It's a book, too, but I like the audio book because I find her voice very soothing. The premise is to just let people do what they're gonna do, and let it wash over you. So he doesn't like you wearing your own ring on your own choice of finger? Let him. He doesn't like you writing about your life? Let him. Nothing to do with you!

It's not fair that he gets to barge into your home and disturb your peace. Maybe tell him that your home is your sanctuary and you won't be having any more chats like that in your house, and that you can meet elsewhere if he has something to say. Maybe tell him not to come by unexpectedly. I'm guessing you don't go to his unexpectedly. He sounds very domineering. Anyway, telling him that you will only discuss things with him off home ground will be a way not to bring your son into it. If he tries that again, refuse to go downstairs. Refuse to be called into a room for a dressing-down. Lock yourself in the bathroom for a long, steamy soak!

You are almost free of him!
Ban him from coming into the house.
Don't respond to his jibes and rants....
You can wear whatever you want, where you want...he cannot tell you what to do anymore.
Just grey rock him until it stops winding you up and you can see him for the jealous, controlling little man that he is.

"Darren, why are you still obsessed with me?"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

But he has NO right to control ANY piece of jewellery owned by OP or how she wears it! It was her engagement ring once, yes, but now it's just a ring.

After my exH walked out on me, after 11 months, I threw my wedding ring in a river near me. We were trying to work things out, but I knew deep down things would never be the same. The ring had lost every piece of magic and meaning, and now it was just a ring again, a bit like Cinderella's carriage turning back into a pumpkin. It was supposed to resemble an eternity, as a circle has no end, but after he did that, it represented nothing. It wasn't hugely expensive, just a 2mm platinum band that cost about 250 pounds years ago. But being platinum, and therefore heavy, it did make a very satisfying plop. It was at night with the water lit up, and it really was like the scene in Titanic where Old Rose throws the ring overboard. It spiralled downwards like in the film! Anyway, that was almost a decade ago, and I've never missed that meaningless piece of metal.

Point being, maybe to OP it's now just a beautiful ring.

The ring and the writing is no business of his. The funeral - did he take the children to the funeral after buying their funeral suits? Or did he expect you to drop them there and drive away and then collect them later? Also did you remain in contact with his family? If so I think it’s fine to attend.

‘Darren I know divorce is tricky but you coming over to discuss this suggests you are really struggling, have you thought about counselling? ‘

More people would judge him rocking up to yours to tell you his thoughts than you wearing an old ring and writing some articles online.

I wonder if the new lady found the articles? Digging about on you?

I’d text him saying ‘please do not come over again unless there is an emergency. There is really no need to share your thoughts and worries with me anymore as we are divorced - it’s best if you can try and find someone else to chat about your problems and concerns with.’

I think it's quite interesting you mention mass. Perhaps he's been told by the bishop you're his wife for life unless you agree to an annulment? This happened to my bil and he wanted to get married again.
He's just playing main character. Obviously an arse. I love the thought of you in your wedding dress, very funny. I'd have the ring re made. Please watch the film first wives club, so funny and I play ' you don't own me' in my head every time I have to deal with toxic men.
Funerals are open events too. Anyone can attend. I assume you left him and the big man didn't like it?

he has no right to tell you what to do, and he sounds like a dickhead.
However, it’s not difficult to get a ring resized, and wearing your engagement ring on your wedding ring finger is like wearing a big sign around your neck reading ‘I am not over him’.
You may not look at people’s hand, but some people do. I would notice, and assume you were hoping to fix the marriage.
Writing about his dad’s funeral publicly is overstepping. I would be gutted if someone wrote an online blog about my dad’s funeral- it was such a distressing day for me, it’s not for someone else’s entertainment.
Having said all that, he’s is also a controlling knob.

Agree with this.

Are you paying rent for living rent free in his head?

It's up to you what you wear and what you do, and would be reasonable not to listen to a word he had to say and tell him to leave the house.

That aside, I would absolutely notice engagement ring on ring finger and totally assume you were still holding a candle for the man who gave it you. Up to you entirely, but that's the signal attached to an engagement ring on your left ring finger.

Rubbish. She can wear any ring she wants. It is not 'a bit odd'.

What's a bit odd is that her ex-husband is still trying to control her life. Now THAT is odd.