AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

Tell him that there is plenty about his behaviour that you find embarrassing but as you are not together you don't regard it as your duty to raise it with him, and he needs to take the same approach from now on. If he has any opinions about what you say or do, then unless it actually directly affects your children he can keep it to himself because you have no interest in his views. If he tries this one on again, walk away,

Above all, make it a rule that from now on he doesn't come into your house without your permission

Ignore, ignore, ignore him. He’s a controlling bully and I don’t believe for a moment that anyone has commented on your ring or anything else.

Totally agree with the PP who said your sons need to know he cannot come into your house and must wait at the door for you to come.

If he tries to boss you around or put you down again don’t give it credence by entering into a conversation - simply nod and smile and walk away.

I was going to post some more bullish responses but I sense you want/need to keep the peace for the sake of your children.

It's only odd to some people. To everyone else it means nothing at all. Anymore than the absence of a ring on the wedding finger means that a man is not married.

Yet again, I wish there were upvotes on here. This should be pinned to the top of the divorce boards

l its your ring to do with as yo wish-but if it were me I'd probably get it remade to look different.

I think in the balance of probability more people would find it odd that anyone would hang onto an engagement ring from an ex and wear it on the finger it was placed on in anticipation of marriage.
Most people within my circle who are divorced don’t wear their wedding/engagement rings at all, they have put them aside for their children or sold them.
Men that have never worn wedding rings due to manual work (my husband is one) is completely different, the Op did wear the ring as a symbol of her relationship status. She has now chosen to keep wearing it, we aren’t talking about a random ring that people have chucked on a finger, one of my friends who is unmarried has rings in all her fingers, we are talking about an ring that I assume was given to her when she accepted the marriage proposal.
Im surprised that its value would add so much to an insurance policy which why the OP is wearing it, my Mother has some very expensive jewellery that was given to her by my Father, she doesn’t wear them as they are divorced but they are in a safe for her Granddaughters. Her insurance is still very reasonably priced.

Thanks @Peterdottir- I actually started counselling a couple of months ago and it’s early days but I am finding it incredibly helpful so far

This!

Why do you think it matters if some people find it odd? Why should that dictate what OP wears? Her ring, her finger, her choice. People can read something into that choice if they want. So what if they do?

But it goes both ways.

OP is upset that her ex hasn't enquired after her health or expressed gratitude for her duplicating all the family photos (some of which it sounds like are just of him before they even met, so it's not clear why she's keeping copies of them anyway). When you add it up with her continuing to wear her wedding ring and including herself in family funerals, he's NOT feeling like she's becoming a stranger, it feels like she's not fully accepted that it's over.

These things on their own are small things and might be reasonable, especially grieving the ex-FIL, but altogether it is not that surprising he finds it somewhat unsettling.

So let him find it unsettling. Maybe she is over him, but if she isn't then her ex still does not get to dictate what she wears and how she behaves. They are divorced. Whatever he finds unsettling about her is his problem now. He sounds very controlling. I would be tempted to wear the ring plus a t-shirt with the words "Don't worry, I'm over the twat".

She's entitled to do that but he's entitled to tell her that he (and other people) have noticed and found it weird.

Jesus how much is it worth if it's over a grand to insure?
I would be scared to wear it

No it doesn’t and if you read the rest of my original comment I said she shouldn’t even be letting him across the thread hold etc I’m not fixated on the ring, just expressed my opinion that it was abit odd to still be so attached to wearing it.
People keep quoting that part of my comment. Of course she can wear a ring however she chooses but if I was trying to get over my ex and wash him out of my hair, I wouldn’t be wearing it 🤷‍♀️

Sorry I should have clarified that insuring it would have taken my house insurance from about £500 to £1000, and I don’t have the spare cash for that, have 4 kids all in uni and money is tight enough

That made me laugh 😆

I’m with this poster.

He really thinks he’s your boss doesn’t he? What a Pratt.

i was doing a big clear out and found his photos of his travels around the world before we got together, I thought he wpuld want to have those in his own home. There was also many photos of relatives of his who have since died, aunts uncles etc, why would I hang on to those when they would mean something to him, and finally yes I had duplicates of loads of photos of the kids from pre-mobile phone days when we still had actual photos, school pics that sort of thing, and felt again he might want to have those rather than not, as they’re his kids too. I don’t care what he does with any of them, but he was entitled to have them, so I put them all together in a box, not an album ffs, and one of the kids dropped the box round. It’s not that big a deal but if it was me getting something like that I would likely at least say cheers thanks

She said it doesn’t fit anywhere else, try reading the thread.

OP YANBU, the ring is your property and you can where it wherever and whenever you want

She said that after my post you gonad 😂😂 I can't read into the future 🙄

No, she wrote it in her OP

Sure but so what? She should just ignore him. He can complain where he likes but not to her. I think that was aggressive and inappropriate of him.

Pretty sure my right hand fingers are the same size as my left hand fingers.
Is that not normal?

No, most people have one hand bigger than the other. My right ring finger is an M and my left is an O

Dominant hand and its fingers are usually larger.