AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

I think you are right in thinking he doesn't like that you are close to his family, and still living in his house and in his town, and still drinking in his pubs - especially since you dared to leave him. I expect that doesn't quite live up to the image he has of himself so he's quite keen to bring you down when he can, and to isolate you where possible.

You don't have to wear the ring he gifted you or rock up at his family gatherings(invited or not) to acheive that tho . Like I said if he was on the same page as you fine ,it would be lovely for your kids but he's not ,so just adopt a pokit when nessarcary vibe.

I would stop him coming in the house. I had to do this with mine as he would use dropping the kids off as an opportunity to have a go at me about something. There’s no need for him to come in and be ‘waiting downstairs’. It’s your home, he’s no more than a guest now and it’s up to you who is invited inside. Gradually phase him out, don’t talk to him unless you need to discuss the kids, he still thinks he can tell you what to do. Can you get the stones from your ring repurposed , maybe put into a necklace instead ?

What's medium ?

No my sister came up from my home town (200 miles away) to attend funeral too as my exFIl loved her and she him. She came to support me and her nieces and nephews and it was great for me to have her there.
if I spot him in the pub I don’t go near him, why would I. If I have to see him like at our sons school leavers mass then we don’t sit together or anything but will try and make polite chit chat if we end up standing together.

I agree she should have sat at the back. That wasn't in the early comments from the OP. But I agree it just would have been the decent thing to do.

Absolutely in Ireland if she hadn't have gone, there would have been more comments than had she gone. And Irish funeral is quite the extravaganza. Very very different to Britain. My British DH still gets perplexed by funerals over here.

Re the afters... again the family specifically requested she go. Etiquette would dictate she should go, have a sandwich then leave.

YANBU to object to either scenario but I do find it strange you would still wear your engagement ring. You could sell it if it is so valuable. As a divorcee myself I really can't understand why you would want to wear it. How does it magically just become any old ring after you divorce?

Adult kids don't need co parenting . You just turn up at grandkids christenings etc with a nod and a smile so it's not awkward I've got a few friends with divorced parents and Ive never seen or heard of a mum or dad going to the others family events ,,even the ones who get on well . They of course mingle at anything that is centered around their shared children weddings and such like or significant birthday party's . Alot even celebrate birthdays separately with each parent . Your way is a lovely way to want to do things but it's not what he wants and he's allowed to voice that . You can ignore him and carry on but as you've said up thread you feel tense now at the thought of attending his siblings event ,,it's not worth the hassle .

Is it not abusive to disregard a grieving son's wishes ? That situation can be perceived abusive from both directions tbh ,he was fine with her attendance just asked she sat at the back .

He has every right to his opinions, beliefs and thoughts.
He has no right to come into your house and express them.

How he had the headspace to care where you were sat at the funeral is beyond me.

I would stop thinking about what he wants, prefers and cares about. Organise your life around yourself. Arrange it so you don’t need to listen to him. Also, anyone who would be tattling to him about what you wear and write about deserves no respect at all. I’d assume it’s not someone you care about and crack on. Some towns are hotbeds of gossip, but that shouldn’t affect how we feel about ourselves. We behave according to our own standards, not those who bitch about is behind our backs.

I know you said you love your house and you don't want to leave because of him, but I think you would be better off just leaving him to it and buggering off somewhere else. If you can't even go to the pub in peace and you can't drive. It sounds like a very claustrophobic place from your description. Why put yourself through it? If your children are adults they can negotiate their relationship with him.

My first thought is that the stingy git wants to propose to his girlfriend without banging out on a new ring.

Just ignore the rest as thats designed to throw you off and not notice that he's trying to get your property off your finger

“As a divorcee myself I really can't understand why you would want to wear it. How does it magically just become any old ring after you divorce?”

I suppose everyone is different. It just doesn’t hold that symbolism for me anymore. It is simply a lovely piece of jewellery that I wear because I like it, i will pass it on to my daughter someday, and it feels safer keeping it on me all the time, I never remove it even in shower as I have lost rings like that before. It may seem odd to others but I find people who imbue objects with special significance kind of odd too. And I also think that anyone should be able to wear whatever they choose on their bodies be that jewellery, tattoos , etc

Fair enough OP 😊

@Desperatelyseekinglazysusani won’t be bullied out of a home and town that I love, where I’ve built a life and career separate from him. Why should I? This is also my kids home, where they come back to at Christmas Easter summer etc Whilst they are still navigating college etc I’ll be here. Further down the line I may move closer to my family but by choice not compulsion

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable. He clearly wants a clean break, and is being unrealistic about it in that you can't be expected to simply forget that the life that you had with him and the people you had in common ever existed. You are entitled to grieve your ex FIL however you wish.

You seem to want to have some sort of friendship and he's getting the impression from you that you haven't let go of the relationship. Wearing the engagement ring is odd. You can sell it if you don't want it.

Expecting him to ask about your health, or spending a lot of time preparing a keepsake photo album and thinking it will be gratefully received, might be a normal thing is some separated couples but it's not the relationship you have with this ex. It may feel unfair or cold to you but you're not together anymore and he doesn't want to have the kind of friendly relationship you want to have.

Well I didn’t want a friendship @ImImmortalNowBabyDollim not that naive, but I suppose amicable at least. But I suppose my wearing the ring and the funeral and writing grievance has indicated that won’t be possible. I am pretty sure he detests me, i know that isn’t going to change.

I don't know why he would detest you OP 3 years after the divorce as you've made it clear that you are at the same events sometimes.

Have you moved on mentally and emotionally though? Divorce is such a difficult thing to navigate even if it is something you want. I have been divorced for 21 years and I sometimes still have a sad moment that I wasn't able to get it right the first time (I have been very happily remarried for 19 years).

I thought there had to be a partner…. And there is.

Every relationship separation - divorce or otherwise - is different. Sitting in the middle or the back of the funeral service is neither here nor there in the scheme of things, you had a close relationship with the deceased for 25 yrs - better and longer than many in front of you. I think its small minded and petty of him to be harping on about it 3 yrs later when he didn't make it clear at the time. And what exactly does he want you to do about it now - holding on to stuff you can do feck all about. Just ignore him on that one.

Coming into the house - unless he is living there its a no, he waits outside, you need to get the kids on side with this one as well.

The ring - you would be as best to lose it to be honest - at least insurance would pay out and you could get another piece of lovely jewellery as most of what you would get for it is the weigh in value at the moment. So I would go with resize wear on other hand or on your middle finger or something. Or if you are feeling particularly stroppy get a belly or nose ring made out of it - lol.

You need to push back on some of this as its "putting you in your place" and "making you smaller" both in your own mind and also trying to do it publicly which is not on. I would keep it amicable from the point of being neutral and only necessary communications, Keep him out o your house and don't go out of your way to make him comfortable at your expense.

I hope you are getting a fair settlement financially and don't forget any pensions

@Peterdottiri suppose I feel that because he always glares at me in public, and speaks badly about me to our kids. And yes I do feel sadness/guilt that I wasn’t able to make our marriage work, that I broke up the family in a way, and that I made his life very hard by doing that, but I honestly felt after many many years of friction and tension and unhappiness that it was the only thing left to do after trying for as long as I could.

So regardless of how unreasonably controlling he is, you deliberately chose to sit where you wanted and annoy/upset him for no reason other than because you could. At his father's funeral.

This is not making you look good. In fact I am now wondering whether you continue to wear the ring on your engagement finger just to annoy/upset him.

OP I think the glaring would personally make me laugh but badmouthing you to your children is not acceptable and is not mature. Children have to come first once a marriage has broken down and the parents have to work hard to be as amicable as they can.

You need to somehow come to terms with the guilt you feel and to forgive yourself for whatever you believe you did wrong. If you haven't had counselling I can highly recommend it. I went for sessions about 2 years after we had separated when I was in my current relationship but struggling. It really helped me.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

Bollocks. She wrote about attending the funeral of someone she cared about. She doesn't need anyone's permission to do that.

My exh came to my DF'S funeral (married at the time) but left to go back to work. He didn't come to my DM'S, Which still pisses me off. He's never mentioned to me or our DC, and this has pissed my DS off mightily, the passing of my DH. I will be going to my DMIL's funeral when it happens and quite frankly stuff him. He's a selfish human being and we are all allowed to mourn.