AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

Looking you find any of this normal or appropriate when her EX has loudly declared it makes him uncomfortable then it's a difference if opinion .
If the gender roles where reversed and this was a man still overstepping a ex wife's boundary and making her feel uncomfortable I think the general consensus would be that he was being creepy .
Op can of course keep a friendly relationship with her kids fathers family but IF the father is belatently stating his discomfort at her being at intimate family events like a funeral she should respect that and stay away .
Why would you wanted insert yourself where you were not wanted ,it's sad .

Definitely open the door in your wedding dress.

Tell him he has no say in what you wear or write, you are no longer married (ps, the current woman has probably noticed the ring and nagging him, and probably also cyber stalking you)

I would be saying exactly the same thing. That he gets to wear any jewellery he owns and use his life to write about as he sees fit, including his warm relationship with his former FiL. The only person overstepping in this case is the ex showing up and entering the house to berate the OP.

Look you both think differently about how your relationship should be post divorce . Neither viewpoint is wrong as such and it would be lovely if he agreed with you but he doesn't and he has every right to ask you to step back form his family events and become less engaged with his life . The ring thing is creepy for me but he can't dictate to you about a gifted item of jewellery he gave you to symbolize his commitment and love . For me it is creepy and strange for othersnon here they don't see it that way .

@liamharhait being an Irish funeral there was a 3 day wake at the house, and hundreds of people packed into the church, not intimate. And his mother asked me and my sister to please attend the lunch afterwards for any mourners who wanted to come. It was open to all and I would not have come if I hadn’t been invited

All this is great you’ve done really well OP.

But it’s not realistic to think that a man you rejected after a long marriage is not going to feel hostile, possibly permanently, and will not want you turning up at family events.

If you switch things around - if he had dumped you and you’d forged a new life with new partner yet he kept turning up at your family events still wearing his wedding ring - can you see how weird that would be and how uncomfortable that you make you feel?

You can’t expect him not to be hostile if you keep encroaching on his life.

It’s very interesting the differing views on this. I am grateful to all for giving views it does help me think it through

But it was to him ,hes told your presence as his ex wife and as someone he's had a intimate relationship with made him uncomfortable at his father's funeral . Respect that . They're his feelings and they are valid and in them circumstances they trump yours .

He sounds awful and I am glad he will soon be an ex.

However I do think that it was very thoughtless to have had put anything at all relating to his father's funeral. If people were able to identify you and tell him about your post, you are clearly putting up details that identifies other people. I understand that you have taken the post down but I would honestly go through all your posts and see if they are details about other people that they many not want online.. It does not matter if they read the posts or not.

Wearing the ring on your ring fingers is a bit odd. Personally I would buy a chain with a secure clasp and wear it around my neck or get it adjusted to wear on another finger.

In regards to the funeral I probably would have checked before going and maybe I would have sat nearer the back than mid way.

I wouldn't bother, he probably wouldn't recognise it 😉

Do whatever you want, fuck this guy.

Tell him that next time he turns up unannounced you’ll not be answering the door.

what a cockwomble

If he had said you shouldn't be at our son's wedding or our daughter's graduation then I'd be team lilifer all the way but jesus op it's his father's funeral could if been a 1000 ppl their the point is he didn't want you their. Just back off like he's asking you too ,unless it directly involves your children's events he clearly doesn't team to see you ,he's divorced you that's his perogative. I get it's hurtful and something don't like but its his right . One thing that is his responsibility is for him to speak to his own family and voice his preferences in regards to future invites you might receive . So neither of you are put in this position . Did you ask him would he mind if you paid your respects at your fils funeral or just turn up ?

He told me i could go to the funeral but had to sit at the back. I did not abide by that becasue he has no right to tell me where to sit in the church. I was no where near the front, nor anywhere near the prayers over the grave outside after, there were hundreds milling about and I was one of those hundreds. I agree that I should not have mentioned his father’s funeral in my article, that has been removed now. But aside from all of that, whoever is in his ear it is not his brothers or sister as they are aware of his views around this and just roll their eyes and tell me to ignore it.

I'll preface this with saying that no, he can't dictate your behaviour, but ...

1. Engagement ring – sorry, it's weird that you wear it, especially on your ring finger. Worrying it will get stolen out of a jewellery box in your house is pretty ridiculous – sorry.

2. Blogging online – I think you have to put up with people being unhappy when you write about them/their family in this way. It is what it is.

3)The funeral – yeah, that's ridiculous on his part.

Hi did say I should be there, for our kids, just not anywhere apart from back of church. It’s not as if I crashed the service fgs

No she didn’t. Writers can write about who and what they want to write about.

I think the non-Irish people on this forum aren’t getting that it would have been a terrible insult to the memory of your late former FIL had you not attended, and that it was an entirely normal thing to do. My uncle died in January, and his only son had divorced and remarried. My cousin’s ex was of course present, no questions asked.

Could it be op that his family do really like and enjoy your company and do t want to offend you so they extend a invitation in the hope you will say thanks but I'm busy ? Cos surely he must of discussed these things with them or they have asked him do you mind if we invite lilifer ?

Of course they can, but it's perfectly reasonable when the ones they have written about don't like it and let that be known.

So he said it was fine to attend his fathers funeral, but to respect his wishes and sit at the back please. But you didn’t? Because ‘he has no right to tell me where to sit in church’ .
Why didn’t you just grit your teeth and sit at the back? He was burying his dad.

I can't comment on that ,op has said her ex who was deceased man's son and he has asked questions about her presence unlike your cousins ex 🤷

I'm really sorry, I want to be supportive but the more you update the more I think he might have a point 💐

Yes, at a funeral in Ireland everyone in any way connected to the family should go to pay their respect. You were right to go but he asked you to sit at the back so you should have sat at the back. His mother died. Surely you could respect his wishes on that one day of all days.

For heavens sake take the ring off your ring finger. You left him. It's like you want to shove it in his face.

He has no right to show up at your house and tell you how he thinks you should be living. The cheek of that.

In all fairness they probably are . Family's talk and gossip . He might actually be trying to protect her in a way by being cruel to be kind . I think you are genuine op and maybe a bit naive in believing you can all be close friends .He doesn't want that politely distance your self and forge on with your life. .