AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

Ps you need to separate emotionally though! Expecting thanks etc just stop it both of you and move on

Nobody is talking about your ring. Nobody cares. Most of my women friends who are divorced still wear theirs. It's a piece of jewellery they've worn for 20+ years. They aren't just going to throw it in a box. The idea of shelling out to have it made into something else, less convenient to wear, is daft.

If it annoys you, bin it. If you still like it, wear it. There's a slight hint of a feeling from some posters that divorced women should be stripped of their own ring. Does the same apply to widows?

Which indicates, despite having ended the relationship, you haven’t yet completely moved on mentally and emotionally yet. And that’s fine - it takes a long time to process and move on from a long marriage.

A good place to start would be to stop wearing the ring, and stop going to family events at least for the time being. Your children are adults so it’s not as if they’re young kids who actually need your presence there.

If this is small town Ireland people will absolutely gossip about the ring and all kinds of wrong inferences will be drawn - it’s really not worth the hassle.

Sorry, but I think he and his new partner should be able to attend his family events without worrying about you being there. Continue inviting them to your place if you want but the kids can go without you. Honestly, it sounds like his family are being nice to your face but talking about you behind your back.

But she divorced HIM.... not the extended family who are clearly inviting the OP and spending lots of time with her outside of larger family events.

I voted YABU because of the ring and the article.

I guessed you were living in Ireland by your first post... NI I assume?

Sell the ring and buy yourself a new one. Or keep it for one of your kids (to wear or propose with).

You were right to sit where you did at the funeral but referencing the grief of anyone but your immediate family in an article feels a bit like chief mourner behaviour.

He’s ridiculous. Thank god you’re not married to him any more!

Tell him he is welcome to buy the ring off you for double what it's worth. Until then you'll wear it whenever you feel like it. Also tell him he's pathetic for trying to control you and you couldn't give a flying fuck what his opinion is about your life.

He's your ex for a reason. Tell him you'll block him if he speaks about your personal life, jewellery or behaviour ever again.

Just ignore him. Sounds like he needs to move on and stop obsessing about you. You're living in his head rent free.

Your fashion and jewelry choices are none of his business. What you write in a blog is none of his business.

I don't think it was weird you attended your ex fil's funeral. He was a big part of your life, you loved each other and you were supporting your children. It's fine to attend the funeral, not so fine to try to attend the family bit afterwards though I'd say (I don't know if you attended the reception bit?).

I would send him a text stating you would appreciate to not be in contact anymore unless it has to do with your children only.

Why are you letting this man take up so much of your head space? He's behaving like a dick. The ring thing does seem a bit clingy and I'm sure you could wear it on the other hand, have it remodelled or sell it. The main thing is, you appear to need more interests, work, people in your life especially as your children are likely to fly the nest soon.

Yes I absolutely would expect to be able to go to my family events without my ex turning up. Particularly if ex was the one who ended it.

It’s fine for OP to stay in contact with ex ILs it’s quite another to go to events when her ex and his new gf are there.

Yes OP needs a whole new social circle away from this family.

So what, she can still say no even if she is invited. Things have changed and it’s time to bow out gracefully, she can still see his family when he is not there. Would you like your ex always showing up at your family parties? I wouldn’t.

She can say no... but clearly she enjoys them.

No, I wouldn't appreciate my ex showing up to my family events but I'd then have a word with my family to perhaps stop inviting them to everything.

Clearly that’s what he will have to do unfortunately. It would be more dignified if OP would take the hint and politely decline.

You are being unreasonable for not cutting him off after he mentioned the ring and telling him to fuck off.

I can't imagine why you would stand and have this long drawn out conversation with your EX husband about everything he dislikes about you.

Just... why?

I’m a divorcee after 20 years of marriage and I’m still Team Ex; I think your behaviour is odd tbh.

Either sell the ring, have it turned into something else or insure and put it away. It is a symbol of a relationship you’re no longer in.

I would absolutely sit on the back row of my in laws funerals IF i went now (I have given this some thought and would probably just drop my kids to their Dad and then quietly pay my respects on my own). It’s a chance for the current family unit to grieve. You are not in that anymore. Your children are not tiny, they don’t need you there.

Ditto writing about his Dad. Just why? Write about the principles without specific reference to someone else’s Dad.

Either sell the ring, have it turned into something else or insure and put it away. It is a symbol of a relationship you’re no longer in.
But she likes it and wants to wear it?

I would absolutely sit on the back row of my in laws funerals IF i went now (I have given this some thought and would probably just drop my kids to their Dad and then quietly pay my respects on my own). It’s a chance for the current family unit to grieve. You are not in that anymore. Your children are not tiny, they don’t need you there.
She was in her ex FILs life until he died. Her children sat up front with their father. Once immediate family are all up front, I don't think it matters where anyone else sits (1/3rd of the way or at the back). I think I'd agree if she wasn't still involved in the FILs life somewhat, it'd probably be reasonable she didn't go. She is obviously still part of the wider family unit though.

Ditto writing about his Dad. Just why? Write about the principles without specific reference to someone else’s Dad.
I do agree with this tbh. I wouldn't appreciate my parents being mentioned in anyone's writing online.

Excellent advice

Personally I wouldn’t wear the ring to the event next week where all his family will be. Just to keep the peace and shut him up for a bit. I wouldn’t wear it for that and put it straight back on again afterwards.

I do this with a valuable ring that causes a little bit of friction with family members. It’s a ring that belonged to my MIL who I never particularly liked and I’m sure people are irked that I ended up with it. It’s a bloody nice ring though. But I remove it for certain dos.

Sell the ring once your properly split so he can't ask for half.
Write a big essay clearly about him being a dick and how ridiculous his informers are

Well not really.

The ex’s new girlfriend may be annoyed if it was the engagement ring he gave OP and, tbf I can sort of see why, but society does not give a toss I can assure you.

I think I have forged a reasonably good new life. Having been a SAHM mum for 16 years I managed to get back into the workforce at 52 and work my way up to a level I never thought would be possible for me, I’m proud of that. I have also reconnected with old friends and travelled on my own, lived through a serious health scare and seen my kids through some difficult years, largely on my own. I have interests and plans for my future. The only thing is that I wish he would not be so hostile all the time, and every now and again it rears its head and reminds me why I left

Me too. Plus, he bought you that ring as a symbol of love and forever. You’ve dumped him because you didn’t feel that anymore, but when he runs into you in the local pub or at one of his own family events, there you are wearing it?
I would feel a kind of way about that, I can’t lie.

His family obviously like you and still consider you a part of their family and you've made a life for yourself there.

His or his gf's insecurities are theirs. This is a very long term setup of decades and his family isn't changing. If it's gf having a hissy fit, let her. His family want you at their events. She'd do better to accept her new bf's family include his long time former wife and children.

But he can't come over to yours and berate and lecture you and try to control what you wear and your online presence. You're not his employee. He sounds very controlling.

You work out things through writing and it's turned into a side gig you enjoy. I know a couple people who do that on Substack. Don't let a stupid lecture from your ex make you drop that. Don't let him lessen you.

The engagement ring symbolized something that no longer exists. It's now a pretty piece of jewelry that OP is used to wearing.