DS11 wants to stay in the UK

[CinnamonCottage]

DS is nearly 12, he was born here in the UK but we moved to the US when he was a toddler. His bio dad has never been involved but he calls my partner dad.

My sons bio dad was from Uganda and my partner is also from a country in Africawhich I think is important as I'm white British.

My partner has 3 children, they're his relatives (11, 10 and 7) and he's a kinship carer which obviously makes it hard for him to come to the UK.

My son lived here in the UK from aged 6 until age 9, but he really struggled without my partner, we visited in the summer holidays and that unsettled him and he struggled in school. We tried 2 schools, the 2nd was better than the first but he still really struggled, he made friends quite easily but he struggled a lot academically and was getting into trouble as he is an energetic child that loves the outdoors and running around etc.

He was in school in the US but I took him out a few months ago due to bullying and the school not doing anything about it but blaming DS. I've been homeschooling him since, we've been visiting family here in the UK for around a month or so whilst keeping up with the home education and he does seem happier but at the same time he misses mypartner and his technically siblings.

I can work remotely so work isn't an issue although here in the UK I was previously a TA which worked around DS.

He's been really snappy recently and he shouted at me and hit me yesterday which isn't like him. He spent some time with my brother yesterday and they built a lego car. DS then got upset and said he can't take it “home” and he wants to stay here. I have broached the subject with DS and he's saying he didn't say that

I do worry about our area as it isn't very diverse, and also that connection with DP does seem important for him

WWYD?

I’m super confused as to why you moved back to the UK without half your family because you didn’t see extended family in lockdown. I am an immigrant so didn’t see my extended family for 3 years. So I took the kids to visit for a month and then came home.

Honesty bewildering. There’s a dad, a partner, another set of kids, a few schools and homeschooling. It’s confusing enough to me, must be impossible to understand for a child.

Ridiculous how people assume on here that you must stay in one place and never move your child or they will be messed up. Life doesn't work like that for a lot of people. It can be detrimental, and may have been in this case, but it is not inevitable. My kids (diplomatic family) are not messed up and neither are the other kids of diplo and forces families that I know.

By age 11, he has moved continents three times (and now is having an extended UK visit), has been to at least three different schools and a stretch of homeschooling.
Of course he's struggling, poor kid.

So has mine. He's not struggling. Nor are many I know in this position. It is not a foregone conclusion.

Moving around endlessly with your stable family is one thing. But having parent figures and siblings figures wash in and out of your life like an afterthought as you are moved from pillar to post across a childhood is a bit different.

why did you move to the us in the first place?

are you also a us citizen? How are you getting a visa to keep moving back and forth? Plus the money to facilitate moving country 4 times in 12 years..

Is your partner “from” an African country? Does he have US citizenship?

with immigration being as it is in the US I’d be factoring in how secure your visas are.

but you need to pick one and give your children security. Either the UK and visit your partner and his children, or the us and visit your family.

if you ask your ds where he wants to live, honestly, what does he say?

This
you need to prioritise your child here

A good parent cares enough for what "say" they do have, to have some importance and be a factor.

Is there a reason you didn't try another middle school?

I agree - it's not even necessarily the moving around, it's how the moving is done. When you have Forces/Diplomatic families, you know you're moving for a purpose. You have your familiar family unit around you. If you're moving internationally you are very likely to be in an international school surrounded by others who are having a similar experience. Moving 'just because', in what sounds like a chaotic manner, going to schools with established friendship groups where you are possibly the only person who has lived internationally, leaving supportive family figures behind, isn't really the same thing.

11 yr olds get a say in our family. We were wanting to relocate to my country of birth after divorce, but the 11 yr old didn’t want to go, leaving friends, school etc . Having to learn a different language. So we didn’t go.

10 years later, he’s the one living in the foreign country, getting married and settled..still there decades later, while the rest of us made our lives in the UK.

Your son has never known his father and now he's being removed, completely unnecessarily by the sounds of things, from the only father figure he has known, potentially for the second long period of time.

If your partner is a decent man with good parenting skills (and I'm guessing he must be if he has guardianship of a relative's children) then I think you should all stay together as a family.

Your son is a black kid with a white mother, already showing signs of behavioural issues and physical aggression towards you, struggling in school and struggling with authority. I think if he has a stable father figure in his liffe then removing him from it would be a grave mistake just as he moves into his adolescence. Putting him new surroundings again will absolutely not help.

Take him home to his dad and his foster siblings.

So, as far as I can work out from your OP, you have moved from the UK to the US and back again, every 3 years since your son, now 12, was born.

As others have said that's left your DS not fully settled or integrated anywhere. Pick and stick. If DS is missing your partner and the other children I'd say pick being there with them. And then stay there!

There is nothing wrong with moving and giving your child a broader perspective of life and the world in general. I feel sorry for kids (and adults) that have spent their entire lives in one town. It's an incredible waste of life in my eyes. Taking your child out of a hostile school environment is commendable and I think more parents should do it! Have a few more chats with your son and get an idea of what he truly wants, you are obviously a selfless mother who puts her child's wishes first otherwise you wouldn't be in this dilemma to start with. Make sure he knows who he would be leaving behind and the pros and cons of both choices. He will love and respect you more for understanding his wishes and you both coming to an agreement together ❤️

what happens to your partner and his other kids? Are you separating??

Well school can’t do anything if it wasn’t on school ground or in school time can they? They’re not responsible for your child when they’re not in school - did you go to the police or just complain to the school?

Sounds like the kid needs to stick in one setting not flit around different schools and countries.

What's was the plan for your relationship when you decided to move him to the UK? Long distance?

And also I get the frustration about the school not doing anything because the assault happened outside school but was the decision to withdraw him and homeschool a bit drastic? When you say assault what do you mean?

Please don't diminish someone's life to "a waste" just because they've made different choices to the ones you approve of, that's incredibly rude and ignorant. People stay in the place they were born for all sorts of reasons, don't assume superiority just because you didn't.

If op's son does have additional needs, it's very common for children to be in and out of school. A lot of the home-ed groups I am in show this. The child and their family often want to be at school, they try to make it work, need isn't met/inappropriate placement and then they're back out again whilst they decompress from the trauma of a system not set up for them.

Yes, this situation is very nuanced but, there is often a fine line between poor mental health because of trauma and SEN. Often, both are intertwined. If you feel like this may be the case op, then I'd suggest going back to the US. I'm not sure about their system there but it genuinely can't be any worse or unsupportive than here.

On another note, I struggle to see how the partner in the US is playing a dad role to this child after 3 years on another continent. That situation needs to be remedied asap.

Good luck. It's clear that you love your child.

You’re describing a completely different and far more stable situation.

Does your son have a clear path to US residency and citizenship upon turning 18?

If there is any doubt about his immigration status, you should commit to the country where he has a guaranteed right to live his life indefinitely.

It sounds like you've treated the kid like shit his whole life and now he's finally rejecting it, frankly.

Poor sod doesn’t know which way is up. Get a plan , stick to it for Christ sake

You're the parent make the decision that is best for you & your DS long term future & then stick to it.

Stop changing his education all the time, it will not benefit him & will make life harder in the long term.

I can't work out what the relationship is with this man & his children (or are they his siblings? It's worded poorly) but it seems vague & uncommitted which won't help your DS, especially alongside the changing.countries & schools all the time.

This is a legitimately terrible comment.

I don't want this to come off as judgy and if it does, please forgive me. That's a LOT of movement and change for such a small kid. He needs roots, family, etc. He needs men in his life who are present and available. He needs women who are present and available. Where is his village? He need structure and reliability. He's also got to figure out how to be with his peers. Here in the US many hone schooled kids are far behind peers. Middle school is rough on everyone, but especially kids who are different from the majority. This is so hard. I feel for you and him.

You need to stop chopping and changing at the drop of a hat. You’re being far too reactionary and not thinking long term.

This boy has already done 3 international moves and 4 (at least) different educational settings.

Pick a location and a school and stick to it. He will never be happy anywhere if you keep pulling him out of school or country at the first sign of discomfort.

He needs to have a stable home and education. He also needs to see that when there are difficulties, you stick with a plan and overcome them, not just run away. That’s how you build confidence and resilience in children.