DS11 wants to stay in the UK

[CinnamonCottage]

DS is nearly 12, he was born here in the UK but we moved to the US when he was a toddler. His bio dad has never been involved but he calls my partner dad.

My sons bio dad was from Uganda and my partner is also from a country in Africawhich I think is important as I'm white British.

My partner has 3 children, they're his relatives (11, 10 and 7) and he's a kinship carer which obviously makes it hard for him to come to the UK.

My son lived here in the UK from aged 6 until age 9, but he really struggled without my partner, we visited in the summer holidays and that unsettled him and he struggled in school. We tried 2 schools, the 2nd was better than the first but he still really struggled, he made friends quite easily but he struggled a lot academically and was getting into trouble as he is an energetic child that loves the outdoors and running around etc.

He was in school in the US but I took him out a few months ago due to bullying and the school not doing anything about it but blaming DS. I've been homeschooling him since, we've been visiting family here in the UK for around a month or so whilst keeping up with the home education and he does seem happier but at the same time he misses mypartner and his technically siblings.

I can work remotely so work isn't an issue although here in the UK I was previously a TA which worked around DS.

He's been really snappy recently and he shouted at me and hit me yesterday which isn't like him. He spent some time with my brother yesterday and they built a lego car. DS then got upset and said he can't take it “home” and he wants to stay here. I have broached the subject with DS and he's saying he didn't say that

I do worry about our area as it isn't very diverse, and also that connection with DP does seem important for him

WWYD?

So he couldn't settle into two different schools in the UK because he missed the USA and his family there. But when he went back to the USA he didn't settle well in school there either. Now you've brought him back to the UK and he says he wants to stay, but he's missing his father figure and foster siblings in the USA....

The kid's all over the place and so are you. Pick a plan and stick to it. I suspect if you up-ended you life in order to stay permanently in the UK at his behest it would be only a matter of months before that wasn't right for him either. I don't think his issues are about physical location. There is something else going on.

How are you expecting to maintain your relationship with your partner if you are in the UK and he's in the USA? How did you manage to maintain it last time, being gone for 3 years?

You all need to go back to the US together and stay put! Poor kid!

What would happen with your marriage if you moved to a different continent to your husband? Would you be happy with that?

They’re not married, only “partners”.

Ah ok thank you, I missed that. Point still stands I guess. It’s hard to maintain relationship on different continents!

He said he wanted to stay but probably means he doesn't want to move again! You need to pick what's best for him and stick to it.

Your child needs consistency. You are the adult here; you make a decision and stick to it.

We left the UK when my son was 9 (DH job moved). We have 3 countries and 2 nationalities in the mix, but our visits to our respective home countries during the school holidays are both regular and consistent. DS knows we live in X country and has adapted well. We don’t promise him a move back to the UK, and he’s not asked, but he’s happy with the occasional visit to catch up with friends and family. We spend the long summer in my DH’s country; again, DS has friends and family and our visits are consistent. He knows when we go, and when it’s time to head home.

It’s much easier for your child to accept that, for eg, the US is his home now. He needs help navigating the school system to reintroduce him to school. Pulling him out to HE every time there’s an issue will not help him long term.

Did you split with your partner and move back to the Uk? Now Youve made up you want to go back to US? Is that what’s happening.

Just get settled here in the uk with your son. He needs stability.

DS was born in the UK but you moved when he was a toddler.

You then moved back to the UK in 2021 but left his stepdad and his step siblings back in the US.

Is that correct?

I do find it odd that you left your partner and moved countries, unless you had actually been separated for a while before moving?

I can completely see why your DS is struggling right now.
His entire life is difficult to what he knows.

But he’s also at an age where he’s going to struggle anyway and so the moving around and leaving his family has just made it worse.

On top of that he’s then got bullied and is now homeschooled with no/very little friends.

My biggest piece of advice would be to not make any rash decisions.

Can you tell us more about his stepdad?

Would you move back in together or be separate?
Is he a good man?

Your son is a third culture kid - he’s spent some of his formative years growing up in a culture that wasn’t his or both his parents. I was one too and all these years later, it’s made me who I am. It can be a good thing (can give you a love for travel and adventure) but it can also cost a lot emotionally and there’s always a part of you that longs for ‘home’ even though you’re not quite sure where ‘home’ is.

Best thing you can do now is find a place, settle and don’t move again until he’s at least 18. His frustration could well be linked to just not knowing where home is. That’s a really tough thing for a pre-teen to go through on top of everything else.

Settle somewhere and stay. And oh it’s really worth reading more about third culture kids or TCKs.

It sounds to be as though your relationship with your partner has not been cut and dried. I’m not buying the coming back to UK after lockdown for a couple of years whilst your partner and step children were in the US. If your life was in the US you come back for a month over the summer, not two years.

I agree with others, your son’s troubles appear to be related to the lack of stability during his formative years. At 11, this is the perfect time to start a new school and build bonds and friendships that will see him through to adulthood, wherever it is, it needs to be consistent, stable and supportive.

Is it more that he doesn't want to go back to school though?
Separately, had you thought about SEN at all? As it sounds like he had problems in a couple of different schools and hitting you at age 11 feels a bit unusual if he has no additional needs.

Quite honestly, with what you've written, it seems like a bonkers decision to have moved back to the UK in the first place. How do you have a partner that lives in a different continent? Of course your son misses him, he's been moved away from what he considers to be his family. And now you're homeschooling him, so he has less opportunity to make friends and make his own life here.

I would move back to America. I don't get why you moved away, upending everything, instead of just occasionally visiting.

Being a teenage boy can be a confusing time.

Being a mixed race child can be a real struggle - too white to be black but too black l to be white.

Being a teen who has been raised in another culture/country is difficult.

Leaving your role model and siblings in a completely different country must be very challenging.

I don’t think you should do anything right now but I think we need to know more about your relationship and why you moved.
It seems like a massive decision and moving back would be entirely dependent on the reasons you moved in the first place.

You seem a very unstable parent, flitting about here and there and pulling your child out of school which is a huge decision.
Are you capable of homeschooling a secondary school aged child?

All your son's behavioural issues will be resolved if he has stability, which he appears not to have received much of in his life.

Whichever country you decide to stay in, get him into school and commit to staying there until he is at least 18 so that he can at least have some security for his teenage years.

I honestly can hardly believe there are parents who mess their children around so much then are surprised when the child doesn't have the best behaviour. Coming back to the UK for 3 years to see family is ridiculous if you had committed to live in the USA. Poor child doesn't know if he's coming or going, you seem to change his life on a whim.

How and why are you moving around so much? It’s not that easy just to move to the U.S.? Are you doing this illegally?

Your partner needs to father his children, and you need to mother your son. Too-ing and fro-ing is ridiculous. Your ethnicities are irrelevant. Just stay in the Uk and parent your child so he has the stability he craves. When he’s grown, you can do whatever crazy ass life you want.

By age 11, he has moved continents three times (and now is having an extended UK visit), has been to at least three different schools and a stretch of homeschooling.

Of course he's struggling, poor kid.

it doesn’t sound to me like he wants to stay in the UK though - he’s just unsettled with all the moving around. You get to decide where you live OP. This is basic parenting and you need to step up and sort this out. Wouldn’t you rather live with your partner? Are there other school option in the US that you could explore? Make a plan and provide your son with some stability and security.

Poor kid, I can see why he’s unsettled and confused. He feels a connection to your partner but your partner can’t move to the uk due to the children he cares for? So you moved back to the uk with your DS? You now want to move back to the US to be with your partner but your DS seems to prefer the UK. He’s had a lot of changes over a short time. I think you need to put him first, sit down and talk to him about what he wants which is likely stability.

He’s lashing out because he’s unsettled and doesn’t know where you might take him next.

It does all seem very confusing for him. I don't think moving countries is automatically bad but your reasons seem odd. My daughter had lived in 4 countries by the time she was 4, but then spent 8 years in each of her next 2 countries.

I agree with the poster who talked about how hard it is to be a mixed race child, my daughter is half East African. She was much more settled in country 6 which is in East Africa. I can't tell you how much easier it was to deal with her hair. Much more than that I think she felt she belonged. She is now at University in the US and is involved in various African student societies and laughs when I ask her about the British society.
Where is your partner from? There are major differences between African countries.

I think he is old enough to discuss his feelings with you.
Ask him what he wants to do.

Also ask yourself what you want.

It’s difficult to tell what you actually want and need, - and the direction you have in mind for the next few years, - for the two of you.
Maybe that’s because you are trying to put your DS first and that is leading to confusion for you.

But what he actually needs is at least one present parent to be leading him through life with absolute confidence. He needs you to be the parent he trusts to be reliable and sure of their decisions and objectives for getting on in life.

Your DS naturally takes all his clues from you OP.
You alone are the guiding parent ….and must conduct yourself that way. The burden shouldn’t be on him. But of course you take his needs anwants into consideration too.
He is very vulnerable at this age anyway, and so needs strong guidance from you as to what’s best for him.
If he senses or sees that you are confused and unable to make decisions which affect his well being, he will feel insecure himself, and be unable to build a strong foundation to form values - and make decision for himself when he’s older.

Children can and do move several times from country to country but there has to be a very strong family stability for that to be successful. It shouldn’t be haphazard.Your son is adrift it seems …maybe because you are !
What is your guiding principle for all the moves?

He hasn’t been able to form a strong attachment with his father, and now, not to his father figure either. Who is his strong role model ?

It’s hard to understand why you left your partner. So I’m sure your DS won’t understand either and will be confused. You have to be honest with him about what you are aiming for so that it’s easier for him to find his successful place in life. It seems to me that everything always feels rather temporary to him and he’s waiting for the final big sign from you as to what’s happening next in his rather chaotic life.

Good luck making your decision OP.
I hope that once you sort out your own needs and wants, everything falls into better shape for your son.

When you moved back to the UK for 3 years had you split up with your partner? And how did you come to have an American partner (living in America) in the first place ?

Wow how to wreck a child's life in one easy lesson. Of course he must get a say - jeesh!

Stop removing him at the first sign of difficulties he will never long to cope if all he knows is stop attending when things go wrong. When you moved back from US when he was 6 I assume he hadnt been to school as they start older so no wonder he didn't settle here as he is joining kids who are already in their 2nd or 3rd year. Then you moved back to the US and he had issues at school - again not surprising as school is totally different in US. Just decide what you think is best neither option is going to be perfect but either is better than constant moving