AIBU to resent sacrifices when my husband offers little emotional support

[KellyK2026]

Firstly, some context, we’ve been married for a decade. I’m 10 years younger than him and we had all these dreams when we got married. We were going to move away, start a family, etc. I was unemployed when we met because I’d just finished studying, but we both knew what we wanted. First hurdle: he struggled to find a job elsewhere. No biggie. I found a job where we were living and we bought a house. Granted, it wasn’t what I originally wanted but we made it work. I ended up earning as much as him in a short period of time, even though it’s not a job I particularly enjoy (I would’ve had to move away for that). Second hurdle: when we started trying for a family, we found out that he couldn’t have children naturally. Here comes many years of IVF treatments. We do now have a beautiful child, but my dreams of having multiple children are uncertain.

Over the years I’ve really felt the bitterness creep in. It felt like I gave up my dreams a little. I’ve been on IVF medication multiple times and have multiple failed efforts. I’m worn out physically and mentally, and I’m really struggling to not feel resentment. My DH doesn’t seem to take my upset seriously. He’s a fantastic father, but he just does not seem to be there for me emotionally at all. He either shuts down or walks away. He very rarely gives me physical touch. Now, at the risk of sounding big headed, I am f**king worth the effort. I work hard, I’m a damn good mother, I’ve done multiple egg collections and experienced heartache time and time again to give him a child, I pay my way, I keep myself in shape despite how physically draining IVF is, but I don’t feel like I’m valued.

But he is a good father. He doesn’t look at other women. He doesn’t drink. He looks after himself, etc. So am I being unreasonable? I know I’m lucky in that regard but still the emotional and physical side of our relationship just doesn’t seem to be there. It’s just kinda a given that I will make sacrifices while he makes none. That’s just always been how it is.

I will disagree with you on this because I think as women we don’t get enough credit for what we do. A lot of men walk away after finding out their partner is infertile (despite the fact that they themselves won’t be going through it), instead I did several egg collections, faced failed embryo transfers, miscarriage, biopsies, fertility counselling etc. I’ve been on drugs that can give me a whole host of long term health conditions. I even signed a form saying that if the procedure made me infertile that it was my responsibility. I put and continue to put a lot on the line, health wise and emotionally. I do this all while holding down a job and looking after a toddler. I think that’s pretty darn impressive and a man would be praised for it. Sure, I don’t always have the bandwidth to be my DH emotional support as well. Mostly because I’m drugged up on pills that aren’t actually conducive to that. But to say I’m not supportive is ridiculous.

I should also add that my DH has actually said repeatedly that I support him emotionally, more so than anyone else. So that’s not why I posted. I posted because I don’t get that back. He definitely doesn’t feel less of a man nor does he have mental health issues due to his fertility diagnosis. I on the other hand developed PTSD after my first egg collection.

That’s a good point. I’d say historically I definitely show my love through acts of putting the other person first, probably through sacrifices. I’m not someone who is really touchy feely, but I will say to him that he looks hot or whatever. When we first got together he was really affectionate and then it lessened, but unfortunately it’s lessened as I’ve needed it the most. So when he’s not showing his love through sacrifices, intimacy, words or gifts, it’s just there’s nothing. I literally have to ask for a hug when I’m upset.

But that's your choice, to go through IVF.
It's so clear that you resent having to go through IVF.
It seems as though you want your husband to be grateful to you that you're staying with him despite his infertility, and admit that you're having to make all these personal sacrifices because of something that's his fault.
It's actually quite unkind.

IVF isn’t a choice, first off. Of course I resent having to go through IVF. Nobody wants to do IVF to have a baby. Have you ever talked to a fertility counsellor? Resentment is very common and is a natural response. And of course I want my husband to recognise how difficult it is and to give me a bloody hug every now and then. I’m really not sure what your point is?

Do you have any spiritual beliefs, OP? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but Catholics pray to St Anthony in relation to wishing for a child, and there are specific temples in India where people seek divine intervention for granting of progeny. Apologies if this sounds crazy to you...

Ha, not crazy at all. I’m not religious but I am spiritual, I’ve just not found a religion that particularly speaks to me

I'm trying to suggest why there is some emotional distance.

I'm not saying he shouldn't give you a hug when its difficult. I'm suggesting he may find ot difficult to comfort you when hes quite well aware that you believe he is responsible for your current suffering, and that you resent him for it. Its a lot of dissonance for a person to deal with.

Yes, IVF is a choice. Accepting you are one and done is another option, as is adoption. Maybe theyre not your preferred, but they are definitely options.

But that’s not our situation at all. You might not have experience as a woman going through IVF, let alone a woman who is doing it because male factor infertility, but for years I’ve had to deal with stupid comments from people like ‘why not just adopt’ (like it’s that easy), ‘are you sure it’s not your body’s fault?’ (because apparently male factor infertility isn’t as believable), ‘IVF is a choice’ (no it’s not, the same as treatment for any other medical issue isn’t a choice), etc. My DH doesn’t get the same comments because he’s a man. I can take the suffering and silly comments, like I have been for many many years, but, yes, I expect my DH to be there for me. Did you know that a study recently showed that being told that you may not be able to have children has a similar devastating impact to patients who are told that they have cancer (seriously). And that suicide rates are several times higher in people undergoing IVF. Yet I bet if I said that I was a cancer patient and my husband didn’t hug me or support me the response would be different. It’s internalised sexism.

"being told that you may not be able to have children has a similar devastating impact to patients who are told that they have cancer"

"bet if I said that I was a cancer patient and my husband didn’t hug me or support me the response would be different. It’s internalised sexism."

Your husband is infertile. Have you give him a hug?

It's all about you and your feelings, your sacrifices. When you talk about your DH it's all about his faults.

You've said here that you don't initiate affection. It's not how you show love. Yet you expect him to do that for you. There is absolutely zero consideration of his needs or feelings. Each comment you make has you looking more and more self-centred.

I have had experience of infertility and sadly also a lot of experience with cancer and I find your remarks quite odd tbh. Internalized sexism? I don't agree.

Wishing you well.

Men lack the brain area responsible for feeling grateful. You can be a supermodel and he will still cheat, you can be a Martha Stewart at home and he won’t say a word of appreciation of the life you created for him. Everything is taken for granted.

If he’s a good man, let it go. Don’t expect gratitude or appreciation. It’s very very rare for men to show it. If you have a good life together and this is the only issue you’re bitter about, let it go. I’m speaking from my own experience

It's clear that your years of IVF struggles have really impacted you which is very understandable. As is wanting / needing emotional support which you are not currently getting.

I'd find it very surprising if your husband wasn't also very affected emotionally by his infertility too though even if he doesnt openly show it. It may be that the emotional distance is just his way of coping and he doesnt know what else to do.

perhaps couples counselling can help you to find a way to bridge that gap, but also individual therapy to help you work through your PTSD and how you feel about how life has turned out. maybe even take a short break from IVF to try that as no doubt it can be all consuming when you are going through it. When I had recurrent miscarriages taking a break really helped both me and my DH to feel strong enough to try again.

The more you add OP the more I actually think you’re probably better off with someone who actually considers you. Consideration is one of the highest forms of love imo and he is not only not doing that, but you’re giving to someone who doesn’t seem to consider the impact on you as a whole. I’d question if he actually sees you as a person if he can’t even give you a hug after a loss, or give some type of comfort especially during the difficult times.

The bar you have said about him is actually low. There are men out there that don’t look at other women, don’t drink, look after themselves , and can be emotionally present and loving for the people they love.

In your shoes, I’d stop the ivf and use the money for a divorce instead. You having a second child is not going to change anything and may actually worsen things and cause more resentment and then you have to either stay and hope to work things out (even though evidence suggest he likely won’t change) or try to co-parent with 2 children instead of one.

You’ve told him how you felt for years so if he hasn’t listened then, why would he listen now? What incentive does he have exactly to change?

It’s internalised sexism to assume my husband doesn’t feel supported and that I’m making him feel that way when all I’ve done is support him. But it’s a different standard for women, even from other women. I know for a fact that if I was a man doing this there wouldn’t be negative comments, just as my husband hasn’t received them and he’s been very open about how unfair people have been towards me purely because I’m a woman going through IVF. He also openly admits that it’s not as hard for him as he can do all the activities he wants to do to help his mental health while I’m stuck at home isolated because I’m going through it. And, actually, after receiving a lot of helpful comments we had a chat and he’s recognised he hasn’t been that supportive. Although where we go from here is another matter.

It’s a shame though, isn’t it? I do feel like women are held to a much higher standard. It’s expected that you’ll make sacrifices while being your husband’s emotional support and everything else he needs. I do think perhaps I was naive to think he’d always be as doting as he was when we first met. Perhaps it’s the same for everyone.

Yep, I’ve given him hugs. I wrote him a book. I organised our anniversary day. Any more questions?

And I didn’t say I don’t initiate affection. I said I’m not touchy feely. Not everyone is. When we first got together my DH actually told me that he prefers initiating touch and how off putting it was when people he had dated grabbed him for hugs. So I wouldn’t get upset about a situation that he isn’t upset about.

Difficult situation.
You gave up snd have sacrificed so much for someone that wasn't worth it and you feel resentment.

Unfortunately you made a really poor choice to offer so much.

Youth or a lack of self value and worth are likely the cause, but either way it is not unreasonable to bd tired of making all the sacrifice.

I can see that now. I think youth and lack of experience definitely played a part. I feel like I would tolerate a lot less nowadays.

You are with the wrong person, you know that.

Gaslighty