AIBU to resent sacrifices when my husband offers little emotional support

[KellyK2026]

Firstly, some context, we’ve been married for a decade. I’m 10 years younger than him and we had all these dreams when we got married. We were going to move away, start a family, etc. I was unemployed when we met because I’d just finished studying, but we both knew what we wanted. First hurdle: he struggled to find a job elsewhere. No biggie. I found a job where we were living and we bought a house. Granted, it wasn’t what I originally wanted but we made it work. I ended up earning as much as him in a short period of time, even though it’s not a job I particularly enjoy (I would’ve had to move away for that). Second hurdle: when we started trying for a family, we found out that he couldn’t have children naturally. Here comes many years of IVF treatments. We do now have a beautiful child, but my dreams of having multiple children are uncertain.

Over the years I’ve really felt the bitterness creep in. It felt like I gave up my dreams a little. I’ve been on IVF medication multiple times and have multiple failed efforts. I’m worn out physically and mentally, and I’m really struggling to not feel resentment. My DH doesn’t seem to take my upset seriously. He’s a fantastic father, but he just does not seem to be there for me emotionally at all. He either shuts down or walks away. He very rarely gives me physical touch. Now, at the risk of sounding big headed, I am f**king worth the effort. I work hard, I’m a damn good mother, I’ve done multiple egg collections and experienced heartache time and time again to give him a child, I pay my way, I keep myself in shape despite how physically draining IVF is, but I don’t feel like I’m valued.

But he is a good father. He doesn’t look at other women. He doesn’t drink. He looks after himself, etc. So am I being unreasonable? I know I’m lucky in that regard but still the emotional and physical side of our relationship just doesn’t seem to be there. It’s just kinda a given that I will make sacrifices while he makes none. That’s just always been how it is.

That’s just always been how it is.

why would he change? He’s living his best life.

10 years is quite a substantial age gap as the years go by

Honestly....you made a series of choices that led to this.
If you dont like it you need to have a honest convo with your dh about what you want in life where you see things in 10 years.

Decide what you want (for yourself and your child) and start pursuing it.

How old are you?

Am I reading correctly that he is "at fault" in terms of fertility and yours is fine.
If you have loads of eggs you could do a sperm donor and have more kids with or without him.

I'd also say your sliding doors dream life is probably not grounded in reality either. Everything has its pros and cons

You're upset because you don't like your job that much and because your husband suffers from infertility?
And you resent him for both of these things?
Perhaps he senses this?

I’m upset because he’s not emotionally there for me. But sure, it’s difficult not to be a little resentful because he’s the one with infertility but I’m the one who has to completely upend my life and take powerful drugs and go through surgeries. So it’s fair to say there’s a little resentment there, sure. I mean there’s a reason why IVF triples the likelihood of divorce.

I’m in my thirties now. And yes, I don’t have any fertility issues. He wasn’t really down for getting a sperm donor and I did want to give him his biological child. I should also add that prior to us getting married I asked if he would get his sperm checked, and he thought it unnecessary and talked down my concerns. So there’s definitely some resentment there.

This sounds hard.
Would he consider couples therapy? The resentment will grow and grow if you don’t address it. There is a reason half of marriages end in divorce. Good luck op, you deserve to happy in your relationship and if he doesn’t want to address the issues then maybe it’s time to separate.

I think I might find it a little bit difficult to be 'emotionally there' for someone who blames me for my own painful health issues and for the fact they are doing a job they don't love.
Theres no way this resentment isnt seeping into the way you relate to him. His emotional distance may well be a protective strategy, or he might simply be not capable of the closeness you wish for.
I think you can split up with him for any reason at all, or even no reason at all. But if you want to make it work then perhaps some counseling to help you both talk through your issues?
I do think you're unreasonable for resenting him for the job and his infertility.

When you say he doesn't take them seriously what do you mean? What would you like him to do? And have you told him this?

I feel like you have not pushed for what you need at any stage.
You got with a man a decade older (why?)
You decided not to move away
You decided you wanted to give him his biological child

So there’s a few things I’ve asked him to do. In terms of physical touch I’ve asked him to just put his arm around me when we are watching tv, little things like that. And if he could tell me that I’m beautiful like he used to. In terms of being there emotionally, to talk to me. If I’m upset he literally says nothing or leaves the room. I have to start crying for him to even give me a cuddle. So I’ve given him very clear feedback on what I need, but it doesn’t change. Even just hearing from him that he loves me and he thinks I’ve done a great job would be amazing. I went from hearing how amazing he thought I was everyday to nothing over the years, despite me putting in more and more effort.

Well it's your body going through the ringer here...I would have pretty strong opinions about the ivf that are prob similar to yours.

At mid 30s your choices are broadly

• accept it and stop
• accept it and keep trying
• leave and hope you can try with someone else
• do it solo
• put sperm donor back on the table not he has a child (personally think this is terrible)

The real question is would one or 2 more kids fix what ails you?

I think you need to get really clear on what good looks like from this point in time not a total life do over from aged 21...
A therapist might be helpful to get clarity

I can see it reads like that but it’s a bit more complicated. I have pushed, but I didn’t want to be divorced without trying my best to work on it. I mean, of course I wanted to give him his own child. People don’t tend to go into marriage thinking they will have someone else’s child. And I got with a man a decade older because I loved him. Simple as.

That makes sense to me. I think you’re right, we probably do need therapy first. And I need to think about my choices going forward.

I don't understand the resentment around his fertility. Without him, you'd either be childless or a single mum via the donor route. Instead you have what you describe as a good father to share the parenting and financial burden with.
It sounds like you just don't love him. Maybe he picked up on that a withdrew. How could you love someone and resent them for fertility issues that are completely out of their control?

I don’t blame him at all for his fertility issues. If I did, I would’ve walked a long time ago like many men do instead of sticking around and having multiple surgeries and taking medication. It’s not about that at all. It’s about him not even hugging me when I’ve found out another transfer hasn’t worked. It’s about him walking out of the room when I’m upset. It’s about him not telling me how beautiful I am or that he loves me. Which is why I said it’s about the emotional support. Forgive me, but I thought if someone was going through surgeries for you you’d at least give them a hug.

YANBU

He doesn’t seem like that good of a father if he isn’t showing emotional support to the mother of his child/ his wife even more so when you were going through ivf.

I think expecting someone to do something as simple as putting an arm around you or giving you a hug is not a hard ask especially to your own wife.

You did things for the both of you and he can’t even comfort you or be there?

Reads to me that you gave much more than you got back, going into it thinking he would be there like a decent, considerate person who loves you and that is not what is happening.

Couple’s therapy may be the way to go but also factor in divorce and coparenting as a decision. Since this has been an ongoing issues, he is highly likely not going to change unless he wants to and so far what you’ve posted, he doesn’t to want to.

Devils advocate... Maybe he hates himself for what he's putting you though and can't face his guilt reflected in your pain when you're upset. Maybe he's building a wall to protect himself from what he's asked you to do. Maybe he has no emotional intelligence and lacks the words, skills and awareness to see its lack and to value developing it.

If you want to fight for your relationship and/or your own happiness, get therapy, individually and as a couple.

Also you certainly do blame him for the fertility issues. Reread your posts.

You've told him what you need and nothing has changed. So now what? It sounds like hes checked out of the relationship. I spent years having similar conversations with my ex. I woke up one day and realised i was begging him to love me. Which is what you're basically doing. Please stop. I should have walked away with my self respect in tact.

Counselling is definitely needed if this relationship has a chance of surviving.

Tbh OP you sound very harsh…..sperm test prior to marriage!!??
Me and my husband have unexplained infertility….our child was born naturally after failed IVFs and now 7 and no sign of any other children. He then developed epilepsy and has seizures and unable to drive etc I’ve had to change my work schedule, take on all the driving etc..

I don’t have ANY resentment to him……he has a health condition. We don’t have resentment to each other re infertility as it is health condition also.
it is also not his fault you were unemployed and your job situation .
Maybe he senses all of the resentment….

It's not for him, it's for you both. If you talk that way to him, making him think he is the cause of your pain, of course he will find it difficult. It sounds like you're not open to reflecting on yourself here, you just want to put all the blame at his door. So crack on, but don't expect any changes.

I’m really sorry to hear about your fertility struggles and your son’s health conditions. I think I could’ve added more context, and that’s my fault. I asked him to do a sperm analysis before we got married for two reasons. The first being he was older and had no children, despite being in several long term relationships. Secondly, he had surgery as a child which he said wouldn’t impact on his fertility, but I was told otherwise by Dr Google. Now, regardless of the result, I most likely would’ve stayed with him and tried as I did after we found out. Although it would’ve at least given me the option. It was more that he basically laughed at my concerns. I think on reflection a big part of the issue is not taking my concerns seriously. Not just that one, but any of one them. He walks out. When I’m upset because he’s gone out for the day while I’m stuck at home injecting myself he laughs it off, instead of being there for me. I will need to have a good think about things going forward.

No, I can reflect on myself. I absolutely know I’m not perfect but thanks for your input.

I think it definitely sounds like he takes you for granted. You still have time to break up and go it alone, would you consider that?

It’s not about being perfect / it’s that many of the things you see as major sacrifices are things that are beyond his control - I bet he feels like a right failure and that will make him distance. Infertility in a man is a major cause of lack of self worth and self respect and you are reflecting that back at him - not supporting him mentally and emotionally

it’s not one sided

the life he dreamed about hasn’t happened and you blame him for it and then wonder that he seems distant?

Do you do all those emotional physical touch things to him? Intimacy breeds intimacy. While watching telly can you put your hand on his leg? When he gets in from work give him a hug, send him an I love you message at work.
I’m guessing he’s sensing your resentment which is going to make him pull away.