Should I have bought a father's day present for teenage stepsons?

[Costelloviber]

DSS are 15 and 17. They are nice kids but have no expectations from either parent to really contribute anything - no housework, no basic being responsible for their own things etc. We all get on well and normally I can accept that it doesn't really impact me (DH cleans up after them and does the leg work of packing their school stuff and driving back and fore to their mum's when they - continually - forget stuff) and just get on with it. They are typical teenagers and don't get up until after lunch at weekends.

Today is father's day and I haven't bought anything from them. I asked them yesterday if they'd got a card but they both shrugged and said no, like why should it be their problem. I think they're too old to have me source, buy, wrap and give a present that they won't even acknowledge - and their answer pretty much confirmed that - so I left it.

I'll do breakfast in bed for him and cards from the little ones but they won't be up for some hours after we've done that so they'll miss it all anyway.

I feel torn really, should I have done it for DH's sake (not entirely sure he'll be too fussed but you never know) or is that just perpetuating the expectation? If they'd asked I would have gotten them a card at least, but there was absolutely zero from them when I mentioned it, as there is every Christmas, birthday etc.

So, the younger ones wanted to get a cake and decorate it so while we were at the shops I picked up a box of chocolates. I put all the children's names on both presents. But no cards from the older ones.

DSSs slept through the whole morning, have no idea they were included in the present - or indeed that any have been given - and haven't said happy father's day.

I think you’ve told them that, this year!

Although it's perfectly reasonable to expect something from them, you as your DH's current wife have more reason and motivation to provide prompting/logistical support than his ex does. Why should she care whether her ex has a happy father's day? You obviously provide a lot more support to the little ones as they can't be expected to do much. But you aren't doing ut for them you are doing it for DH, and if you don't no one else will. For older teens I think the minimum you should do is drive them to Tesco and give them £10 each to buy him a card and some kind of token gift but expect them to put in the effort of choosing. As they get older you continue to provide the budget but less logistical/practical support (no more lift to supermarket) until they are in full time employment when all you do is remind them to do something for a few years until they are mature enough to not need that either.

How did your dh react to no card from his children @Costelloviber?

Nothing really was said to be honest. So maybe that's my answer - he doesn't see it as a big deal so that's why they are this way.

He always makes sure the little kids make and do something for mother's day and birthdays etc so it's just a strange anomaly

Do you think it's because they are boys, here let's them off the hook? There's a big thing at the moment about how we need to teach boys empathy and how to be caring and stop the lack of expectations because they are male, it feeds into other areas of life. However you've also got to go with the norms of their family.

@Ponoka7 Honestly, yes probably. Not because they've been treated differently as such, but I think perhaps with boys you need to put in extra effort to avoid the idea that they don't need to bother - because with boys they don't always pick up on modelling quite as naturally as girls.

I have a 3yo boy, and just from watching this I'm going to make sure I put that effort in. It almost certainly means I'll drop the ball in other areas but you can only do what you can do with the knowledge you have at the time.

It’s good he wasn’t bothered by their thoughtlessness @Costelloviber

Good point about teaching boys empathy @Ponoka7

It seems the boys have been hopelessly shortchanged by both their parents in a very misguided attempt to “look after them”. Now they are spoilt, useless and selfish, can’t go to a big shop by themselves at 17? That’s Useless.
Oblivious to the fact they are being cleaned up after and getting hotel guest treatment everywhere- utterly spoilt and oblivious.

The boys and their parents really need a short sharp shock, and to get up to speed with being independent. As a comparison the kids that age whom I know (including my own) have part time jobs, organise their own sports and social lives, take driving lessons.
They can buy their own clothes and are expected to be able to make dinner for the family once a week.
It sounds like these two young men are a long way off the pace.

They're not horrible lost causes, they're just lazy because they're allowed to be. I agree that they are much less independent than some of their peers - but that actually tracks very well with their laid-back personalities in many ways.

They do have a lot done for them, it is true. And I think when they are sharing a house with others or living alone it will be a steep learning curve, and very interesting to see how they step up. Because they're very capable young men - they just don't have to be, so they'll either pull their socks up to fit in when they have to, or they'll continue to be lazy and not be too bothered when it causes friction.

You’re very kind and decent, but I wonder if you have underestimated the steepness of the curve, and their willingness to progress up it.

Are they aware of the issue? What do they say about it?

They don't say anything about it. If I ask them to put their plates in the dishwasher they will do exactly that, and no more. The idea of clearing up the table in general after a meal is completely unthinkable to them - and I can't blame them entirely because they've never been expected to realise that someone else does it.

I think the curve will be steep, yes - but they have some years to master it. If they go to uni or share a flat with friends then they'll have to a( fall in line b) lose friends, or c) live in squalor.

I honestly couldn't put money on which of those outcomes it will be. But I guess they will have to reap the consequences.

My only concern is how they'll be if they are ever in a relationship. Because from this generation onwards we surely need to be phasing out men who think housework is none offer concern - and I feel that the message has NOT reached these two.

Our lad (11) asked me last Saturday if we could nip to the shops to get dh some small bits. We always get a biggish present for the kids to give and they usually pick smaller things, instigated by dd2. One of the things he picked up was actually a bunch of flowers which I thought was really sweet, he said men deserved flowers too.

Have hope your wee boy will turn out just as kind, at least you have the awareness of the aloofness otherwise.

Spot on. Very selfish to accept presents but never buy so much as a card for their parents or each other.

Thank you, I hope so too. Your children sound very caring