Should I have bought a father's day present for teenage stepsons?

[Costelloviber]

DSS are 15 and 17. They are nice kids but have no expectations from either parent to really contribute anything - no housework, no basic being responsible for their own things etc. We all get on well and normally I can accept that it doesn't really impact me (DH cleans up after them and does the leg work of packing their school stuff and driving back and fore to their mum's when they - continually - forget stuff) and just get on with it. They are typical teenagers and don't get up until after lunch at weekends.

Today is father's day and I haven't bought anything from them. I asked them yesterday if they'd got a card but they both shrugged and said no, like why should it be their problem. I think they're too old to have me source, buy, wrap and give a present that they won't even acknowledge - and their answer pretty much confirmed that - so I left it.

I'll do breakfast in bed for him and cards from the little ones but they won't be up for some hours after we've done that so they'll miss it all anyway.

I feel torn really, should I have done it for DH's sake (not entirely sure he'll be too fussed but you never know) or is that just perpetuating the expectation? If they'd asked I would have gotten them a card at least, but there was absolutely zero from them when I mentioned it, as there is every Christmas, birthday etc.

You're being so negative about your stepsons.

They stay in bed late - like most teenagers

They don't do housework - if neither of their parents has shown them how and given them responsibilities, they aren't just going to start now. They probably aren't that comfortable in your home so why would they just start cleaning things? It's your husband and his ex's fault they don't do anything, not a character flaw of the children.

They don't buy gifts. Again, if they haven't been taught thats normal by their parents, they won't do it. Do they even have their own money?

I feel sorry for them they have to stay with someone who thinks so badly of them, when they're just being normal teens.

I agree with you OP that you may be powerless at this point. I know many parents take the line that if they demonstrate thoughtfulness, their children will copy them or pick it up by some sort of osmosis. Perhaps this works in some cases. But my experience has been that my kids had to be taught. I started around 10/11 transferring the responsibility for Father’s Day gifts. Starting with them picking a gift with me, keeping it in his room and giving it from him. Now my 15yo doesn’t need asking. It’s only something from the corner shop of course but he knows it’s expected. Same for Christmas and birthdays. If I hadn’t done this, and I suddenly dropped this on him at 15 I would definitely expect resistance!

I wouldn’t call this behaviour normal for many families of teenagers or OP being negative, only stating the facts.

Nowhere does she say they are horrible.

It isn’t really on you, OP to teach your stepsons especially at the age they are, it was on their parents.

I wouldn’t do anything and from the read of things, your DH likely doesn’t expect anything either from them.

Maybe not normal but very common, where kids aren't taught to do things and then they're berated for not doing them as they get older.

I don't think it's OPs job to teach them to do these things either, but it was her husband's and their mother's. So if she thinks badly of anyone, it should be them.

My only concern would be if you want to teach your children to do things differently, it's hard when they have half siblings who aren't a good example.

I do worry that this is where I'm being unreasonable. To have expected them to get something when they've not had to before. That's why I said yesterday - and was prepared to get something, or help them to get something, if they'd wanted. But their total lack of interest threw me a bit so I didn't push it.

I wasn't going to reply to this but I will just clear things up. I haven't been negative about them, just factual. I like my step sons a great deal and we have a very good relationship. Their parents do the parenting as they see fit and that leaves room for us to just get along.

They feel very comfortable in our house, don't worry about that. They're here with us a lot of the time, and are welcome whenever they choose - which they often take up. They also have plenty of their own money.

They are like loads of other teenagers in many respects that's true, but my question was whether I, personally, continue to facilitate the lazier side of being a teenager or whether to let them face their own consequences. They will stop being teenagers in only a few years - at what point do you think they should take some initiative?

I agree. I am going to make a bit more conscious effort to let the younger kids know they are expected to be part of gift giving, not just recieving. And in a few years I will step it up from 'what shall we get Daddy' to 'what do you want to get him'. I think this is possibly the step that went missing for my DSSs.

And then to the toilet to wipe their arses for them?

YANBU OP although I wouldn't have left it until the actual day to make any changes to what you've always done.

Everyone in this thread saying they’ve had to remind / buy for their teenagers makes me worry for society, Why are kids now so selfish that they can’t buy their own card / gift and seem to think they don’t need to?!

That is pretty pathetic tbh. You reminded them and that’s the most you should have to do at that age.

My DS was reminded and decided where he wanted to go, I took him, he bought gifts. I took him to the supermarket yesterday and he selected items for a picnic he wants to take DH on, I did nothing but pay.
He made a card, wrapped gifts and they are off on picnic together. My DS is 9.

Why would you take a 15 and a 17 year old to the shops? Its totally infantalising. Different if they were 5 and 7

But the thing is, will they learn anything if OP just goes out and gets something? Probably all they will learn is that someone else will sort it out so why should they bother? The DH has stuff from his younger children so he won't sit there with nothing.

I used to put aside some of my Christmas and birthday money every year to buy my single mum a gift on mother’s day/Christmas/her birthday. It would be something cheap (£5 ish- this was from 2011 onwards), but it was something at least. I did this from age 12 with no prompting as there was no dad in the picture. Kids are more than capable of being considerate on their own and taking some personal responsibility. The 17 year old needing help for this is laughable.

Every family is different but I helped my step son (21) choose his dads present, I ordered and paid for half of my sons (19) dads presents and I paid for my daughter (12) to buy all the ingredients so she can make her dad a Father’s Day meal with her grandad. Of course I want to help them out but more so I want the dads to know how special they are. There are so many dads that don’t step up, do the bare minimum etc Good dads deserve the best on Father’s Day and I have no issue stepping up to make sure they receive it.

If they were younger, yes, you could help, but at 15 and 17, the can get on with it themselves or not. You asked, they answered no, and if your husband is upset, this is on him. If you get stuff, what they learn is the woman makes the effort so you're just perpetuating sexist attitudes.

Not your job unless you want it to be. Is Fathers_Mothers day a big thing with their parents anyway. Not everyone cares about it and a lot of parents would rather their kids saved their money anyway.

They’re 15 and 17 - you reminded them - they chose to ignore.

That’s on them.

I think it’s really sad they have been raised to be so selfish - but as step mum I don’t think that’s on you as presumably they have a mother and father to parent them and this kind of behaviour doesn’t probably appear on Father’s Day for the first time - I’m sure it’s part of a bigger attitude issue that should have been addressed from childhood.

Very sad that they care so little about their father - as getting a card and some chocolate or a little gift is really not hard at that age.

you’ve helped the little ones do something nice - you tried to encourage the older 2 but they ignored you. There’s not a lot more you can do.

I’ve not read it that way at all. She sounds like she’s a loving step mum but hasn’t “overstepped” when they have two involved parents in their life. It’s down to their parents to teach them some responsibility for their own household (chores), things, and relationships (giving gifts/helping with chores). So the lack of present, or at least lack of caring about a lack of present is down to how they’ve been raised and their lack of being given any responsibility.

It's very hard being a step child and a new person who has some authority over you moves in, and they have a lot of uncommunicated rules and norms for you to live up to. Of course you fail because you're not told, and not taught what to do, and then you just live with a resentful adult who disapproves of you but you don't really know why.

The 2nd half of your comment is what I said, it's the parents fault.

No. They are your husbands children and as teenagers then they are responsible for buying shit for their own father

Stop getting them any presents for birthday and Xmas and say I thought you didn’t want to exchange presents as you don’t buy anything for your dad/mum/me/siblings etc and as you are nearly adults really you s be if you want to reciprocate

Yes at their age they should def buy him a card and small gift. Many items £2/3 from home bargains etc

mini blondes even at 8 last year wanted to acknowledge my birthday and Mother’s Day and I would take her to home b and wait at end of aisle and she would chose things for me so a total surprise and take to till and pay with mr card and wrap herself etc

not sure how old your joint kids are but good to start them up young in helping them buy stuff for other people

She wasn’t an adult at 15 or for a number of years afterwards though.
You could have prompted her at least, or talked to her about it, rather than see your DH so hurt year after year.

What usually happens? I think if you usually sort it but this year decided not to, then I think you should have had that conversation with them sooner. They don't suddenly become self sufficient.

Here, my ex h and I sorted presents out with our son for each other up to him going to Uni although his Dad has only reminded him and then reimbursed him the cost since he was about 16. I always remind DS about my birthday anyway as we plan something together for the day. I drop hints for pressies too, although I am really easy to buy for. We always struggle with his Dad and wish he would drop some hints.

When DS went to Uni, I told him he needed to budget for and buy presents going forward. That said, I made sure he got a card and gift in time to take to his Dads. He would have got there on his own but is generally last minute about everything so I remind him. On Mothers day, this year DS came home from Uni on the day (a surprise visit) with a gift. His dad had no input.

To be fair they haven't been here for father's day for a long time and weren't supposed to be here today either I til early last week. So I didn't really think about it til I saw them yesterday. So maybe I can kind of understand why they didn't have anything. But a card at least?

I think next year I need to say explicitly to them that I won't be doing presents / cards for them. I'll just have to see what happens