Simple question: is a friend who forgets your birthday really a good friend?

[kissthefish]

She knew it was coming. There wasn’t even a happy birthday text. Friend has a history of being self-absorbed.

I've no idea about any of my friends' birthdays. Couldn't even tell you the month. Or my inlaws, apart from MIL. I still remember siblings birthdays as I grew up with them and would send a card, but that's it as an adult.

I wouldn't expect a text from a friend on mine.

I have three friends who I send cards and gifts to for their birthdays and can expect cards and gifts in return. It's nice.

I have plenty more very good friends in my life where birthdays just don't feature in our friendship. Doesn't mean we're not good friends. I just don't think birthdays are that important

In my own case, YES! It is people who insist on reminding me of my birthday (which I hate) against my wishes, whom I might regard as bad friends.

But even if that were not the case, I don't consider wishes for special occasions to be the test of friendship. It is consistenf friendliness and helpfulness and respect for my needs that make a good friend.

I hope I'm not one of your friends, it would be daft to assume my busyness and inability to always know what date it is has any impact on how good a friend I am

What a strange link

Your friend might not be a good friend but to judge it on a factor that lots of adults don't really care about is unusual imo

It’s always a nice feeling when friends remember my birthday but I don’t have it as an expectation that they will.

I have a lot of friends and while I’m pretty good with birthdays, that’s because a few years ago I set up permanent reminders in my calendar. They’d be mostly out of luck if I relied on actual memory!

Sounds like you have other issues with your friend though.

I often fail at my besties birthday , it falls in the 7 day period between my DD and my mum and is a really busy time. I often send a late apology text and take her out for lunch / cocktails at a later date. She ( says ) doesn't mind.

I regularly forget my friends’ and relatives’ birthdays. I spend weeks thinking about it, reminding myself every day that it’s coming up, setting phone reminders etc and even buying the card, then I quite often fall at the final hurdle when I forget to post it, get distracted by something (usually work related) and forget to send a text etc.

It even happens with my own DCs, at the start of the month I have to prepare myself and work really hard at remembering the day is coming up, constantly checking the date and how long I have left to buy/plan etc (which with one of them on 30th is quite a feat for me!)

I suspect I have ADHD but am hesitant to pursue a formal diagnosis. It would explain this phenomenon among others, where I’m so hyper focused on something but then it goes completely out my mind. And I don’t think having an official reason/excuse would help if people just think I’m self absorbed. I’m lucky to have friends who completely understand and forgive my crapness, still sending me and my DCs a card every year.

All of this to say, this isn’t a reflection of how much they care about you or whether they’re a good friend. I appreciate that it feels like that. But from the other side of the situation I can assure you that my memory is in no way linked to how much I like someone. Similarly asking how someone is on the phone. I once had a friend accuse me of never asking. I had never HAD TO ask as she told me everything about her life, her mum, her kids etc so there wasn’t really anything to ask. Maybe you’re asking your friend how she is and telling her about yourself and not leaving space for her to show an interest in you?

Either way, if she’s otherwise someone who you enjoy spending time with by all means do. If you find her annoying for several reasons you can cool off the friendship, but don’t jump to conclusions about her motivations.

I always remember my friends’ birthdays and get really hurt when people don’t remember mine! I even have a birthday book still! We all have time to scroll endlessly each day, so we should all have time to remember special days in the lives of people who matter to us

I just don’t find my birthday to be a particularly special day. Because I’m not five years old.

My birthday is important to me no one else i dont care if people remember it

I’ve known my best friend since we were both twelve years old. We are now sixty-six. She seldom remembers anyone’s birthday, unless it comes up in conversation. It’s no reflection on her love for me or for anyone else. She’s just not good at it. Me? I remember everyone’s birthday. I don’t try to, I just do. Please don’t consider your friend as insulting or dismissing you. She just may be bad at remembering dates.

You’ve got the easiest life if this is something you cry over 😅

My friends know that I'll pick them up, if they fall. I'll hug them if they cry. I'll join them when they laugh. I'll feed them if they're hungry. And house them if they have nowhere to go. I'll even post a gif if Facenook reminds mr that its their birthday. But I sure as hell don't keep a birthday card text list.

I treat birthdays as being very important, but not everyone does. One of my very closest friends literally never even sends a text let alone a card or present, whereas I buy her a thoughtful present every year.

However, she always brings over homemade meals to my house if I’m unwell, even just with a bad cold. She goes out her way to help me with any problems I’m facing. I think she just really doesn’t get why an adult would care about a birthday.

Interestingly and on a slight tangent, I’ve noticed she will celebrate her child’s birthday on a nearest convenient weekend. I know many people treat birthdays similarly. However, that seems mad to me! If I’m not celebrating on the day itself then it’s just meaningless to me. Just another way that everyone is different.

I always forget birthdays even if I see them coming up on my calendar. I forgot my wedding anniversary after my husband reminded me 2 days before. People have lives and stuff to do, we don’t always prioritise the same things and sometimes our brain just can’t deal with it all.

I think it generally has very low relevance in determining whether they are a good friend or not.

Only my school friends know when my birthday is. I haven't told any one I've become friends with since. Wishing someone a happy birthday does not make you a good friend and not wishing someone a happy birthday does not make you a bad one.

I don't even always remember extended family's birthdays, let alone friends! Life gets really busy: work, families, household admin. I dont take it personally if I dont get a card or text on my birthday from friends.

Do you consider her a good friend in other ways? If so, I dont think it's worth making a big deal about.

Oh come on, OP.

We're adults with, for the most part, busy lives and problems of our own.

Do you really think a good friend is one who remembers dates or has a little calendar or something?

If you're that bothered about people messaging you on your birthday, maybe do them a solid and mention it's coming up in passing?

I am not good with remembering birthdays. But to be honest I am not fussed about people remembering mine!
In fact I hate it when people ask me ‘what are you doing for your birthday?’ and then I feel there’s an expectation I should be ‘doing’ something for it like organising drinks or a meal out.

I am also less and less fussed about presents as I get older. I have enough stuff as it is and in fact keep trying to declutter.

So I would not mind at all if a friend forgot my birthday.

I’m really not bothered about my birthday but I know other people are a bit precious about theirs so I try to remember to text on the actual day of close friends. Sometimes I forget. Life is busy with 2 children and an unwell dad and a mum who is stressed looking after him. I always send a card and we’ll do a dinner/lunch on me but truly I cannot understand why people care so much about it at this age. I know if I didn’t text they would care as they’ve mentioned it before and they’d likely not message me as a way of revenge, but I really couldn’t care one bit tbh. As long as my partner gets me a card and we go out for dinner at some point that week I’m happy.

I have a few friends from childhood that I still send a birthday card to. If a friend was going to hold it against me because I forgot their birthday I wouldn’t really be interested in that friendship any longer. You need to work hard at the relationship with your husband / wife or partner, hard at the relationship with your children and wider family and the last thing you need is a friend that’s hard work.

That's why I put all of mine in my phone calendar, because I know I will forget with reminders lol. 😆

I had my 40th recently and my friend completely forgot. Not even heard from her before or after.

Tbh, I think it's more about her lack of effort in general. But for her birthday I sent a card, met up for dinner and I bought her birthday drinks. I didn't even get a message. Just think it's the disparity between us. She's like this when she gets a new bloke. I aren't even jealous, I aren't single but I still make time for my friends.

Think just feel unimportant to her. I already had this conversation with her earlier in year about effort (for other reasons I aren't a primadonna in any shape or form and it's hard to include everything here) it's not up to me to tell someone how to be a friend to me, so I'm just leaving it. I haven't got time or energy for it. Just wish I wasn't so soft that it stings a bit, after I've been there for her when she's needed me.

I still don't know one of my closest friend's birthdays. I have it saved in my phone to remind me now, but I don't remember it. We never do cards or presents unless it's a big birthday. But he is one of my favourite people ever. His birthday and my birthday just don't mean that much in our friendship.

I would be very annoyed though, if dh forgot my birthday or didn't get me at least a card

I don't think I know any of my friends' birthdays. My family's birthdays are important to me, and mine to them. But I don't expect my friends to remember mine and I don't remember theirs.

Ah, I lie. I know one friend birthday because it's two days after my late husband's and we used to have a get together on the day in between.