Simple question: is a friend who forgets your birthday really a good friend?

[kissthefish]

She knew it was coming. There wasn’t even a happy birthday text. Friend has a history of being self-absorbed.

Grown ups don’t always do birthdays. I haven’t sent a card to a friend for years, and I don’t expect to get them in return. Occasionally I’ll send a message if I’m reminded by FB, but it’s just not a big deal for me and honestly hasn’t been since I was in my early twenties. I am pretty sure my close friends are not doubting my friendship on that basis.

It wouldn't bother me I have to say. I'm not great with birthdays. I only ever knew them when I was on Facebook and it prompted you.

I'm happy for someone to maybe buy me a drink around that time if I mention it will be/was recently my birthday.
If I'd invited them to a birthday party (which I never really would) I'd hope they'd remember, even if they couldn't come. But again I wouldn't really care. It makes very little difference to me.

Tbh I don't think it does make them a good friend. It takes 2 seconds to send a message. To wish your friend a happy day, just to let them know you remembered them, means a lot.

It's just about a tiny bit of effort to show someone you care. If you cba doing that, then why are you a friend.

Depends on what else is going on in her life. A group of us (6-7 people) we always texted and collected money for a nice gift for the birthday person (even if there was no party- would have it delivered to their house with flowers etc as some people live abroad). Once we started having kids we don’t even remember the birthday dates anymore 🤣

It's not the sending the message that takes time and effort, it's remembering the date and tying that up with the actual date. E.g. I know my friend's birthday is 25 May. I might not realise on 25 May that the date is 25 May, or on that day I might not tie the two things together.

ETA when I do remember, I always message in a group to remind the others, and am very grateful when others do it for me. I'm also ridiculously pleased with myself when I do it first 🤣

Happy Birthday.

What were you expecting, as opposed to what you got? How old are you? is it a milestone, have you been planning an event? If its a non number like 38 or 52 and you're not organising something specific like a birthday meal then I wouldnt expect many people to mark it. Unless youve been in recent convo where youve mentioned it.

I've had friends of 20yrs whose actual date i dont know. if Facebook doesnt tell me the date, or the person doesnt specifically say "ITS MY BIRTHDAY ON TUESDAY" - or if I havent put it in a diary once years ago - I won't remember it. People tend to know many people, how many birthdays do you remember?

Ill tend to remember its Jo's birthday in Feb, but I dont know the actual date. Unless Its my mum, child or husband.

Simple answer, yes someone can forget your birthday and still be a really good friend.

I know when my friends birthdays are, but I don’t always know what date it is. I’m a bugger for seeing the calendar is 20th June and realising it’s the day after my friends birthday and texting her then.

If I’d caught the calendar on the 19th I would’ve absolutely known it was her birthday and messaged her then, I just went the full day without realising it was 19th June.

It’s not typical for grown ups to make things of birthdays is it? I don’t know anyone that does it unless it’s a milestone, and then you’d be invited to the party and still might not know the exact date if the party was Saturday but the real birthday fell mid week. Honestly I don’t think I know any birthdays of friends I’ve met as an adult, just rough months based on when they might have had a do or made a reference to their star sign in conversation or something like that…

Depends what she’s otherwise like as a friend. One of my closest friends rarely remembers birthdays but went above and beyond when I suffered a sudden bereavement- to me that’s what really makes a good friend.

I know when some peoples birthdays are because they’ve mentioned the actual date, and I put annual events in my phone calendar to remind me. I don’t know when other peoples birthdays are because they haven’t told me - even if they’ve had a birthday party often it’s not on the actual day!

Whether or not I know their birthday has no correlation with how much I like them, how close we are, or how much effort I’d make for them in other areas, it’s just a fact I sometimes know and usually don’t.

I don't know most of my friends' birthdays off by heart. Unless they've planned an event to mark it. I don't expect any marking of my birthday from them either. A text is nice but not expected. Maybe it's because my family has never made a big deal of birthdays that it isn't significant to me. My sister and brother and I haven't exchanged cards since we left home (but we're all close), but he still exchanges cards and presents with his siblings every year. So, in answer to your question, yes, a friend who forgets your birthday can be a good friend. I love my friends and, as far as I'm aware, they love me!

I might forget it or mix up the exact date unless you mentioned it a little bit before the date OR if I knew from prior years that it was really important to you (in which case I would make a point of noting it and remembering to do something). But if she's expecting you to remember/celebrate hers while not doing the same for you, that's an issue.

It happens. My friends forgot my birthday last year. I was a bit sad, but they made it up by taking me out and giving me a lovely present.

Some people have full on lives and have many friends and family. It's easy to let a birthday go.

Depends. I have a friend who was one of my wedding party, who I’ve known for over 20 years, and we have never acknowledged each others birthday. I’m not even all that sure when hers is - Spring I think. We still have a great friendship, and a brilliant laugh every time we see each other (which is often).

Some of my friends are not good at remembering birthdays, especially when there is a lot on their plate. If they are otherwise good friends then no biggie. If it's part of a pattern of thoughtlessness though - that's another matter.

Mumsnet dont do birthdays op ha. Yes my friends remember. One is casual but she a good friend all year. I do card or a whatsapp we dont do gifts

I don’t even know my mums birthday, never mind my friends.

I wouldn’t expect anyone outside my family to mark my birthday. Nice if they do, of course, but not at all expected.

I think the answer to your question is yes - but you haven't told us if she is a good friend. This seems to just be a symptom of her being self absorbed, you chat for hours and she doesn't ask about you - that sounds like not being a good friend, not the birthday thing. If we all say yes she is horrible for not remembering your birthday will that help? Are you wanting to feel validated in being annoyed about the birthday? You can be annoyed about what you want!

Hmmm... I'm going to admit I'm not good at remembering other people's birthdays. I know four or five of my friends' birthdays but there are others who are in my wider friendship circles who I don't know. I don't always manage to send cards on friends' birthdays, sometimes I don't even manage texts. It's not perfect.

I'm not the sort of person who thinks birthdays don't matter, but I don't think that failing to remember a birthday is the end of the world. I'm seriously busy and have my own shit to deal with, sometimes it slips through the cracks.

On the other hand I'm always there for them when they really need me. I sent a card today to a friend who's going through a tough time with a family situation to let her know I was thinking about her, but I didn't get her a card on her last birthday. She knows I am there for her and ultimately I think this is more important than dashing off a birthday card.

Out of a group of five of us it's very hit and miss who remembers what (we dont do cards and gifts anyway)
I could tell you now when all their birthdays are, that isn't my problem, it's more that days pass me by without registering what the date actually is!

Why would you expect or even want a text, it's only a birthday so nothing worth texting or remarking about.

That’s such a joyless attitude!

OP - birthdays mean more to some than others, as we’ve seen demonstrated on this thread. For all my good friends I have a reminder set up on my phone, so I can acknowledge their birthday in some way. I’m not particularly bothered about my birthday but I know others care more about theirs, so I know they’d appreciate the thought even if it’s just a text.

As I get older the dates I always try to put in my reminders are the sad ones, as they’re unfortunately increasing as my friends and I age. So tomorrow it’s Father’s Day and a couple of my friends have sadly lost their dads this year, so will message them both. My best friend had a still-born son a few years back and I’ve set up a reminder so I never forget his due-date, and can ring her to say I’m thinking of her. People say I’m
good at remembering dates but I’m not in the slightest, if my phone reminders stopped working I’d be lost!

aw, it’s lovely having your birthday remembered! I really appreciate my core group of friends that are always there, on that day, with messages or cards. It makes it special.

it’s true some people have no sense of occasion, and even avoid specialness! My mother ‘ hated a fuss’ and oh what a flat landscape she created for us as a Family! Give me a cake with candles and a bunch of flowers and I’m on cloud nine.