AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

[tinkercats]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice on how best to handle this.
I have 2 DC, DD is 10 and DS is 12. Every summer they spend a few weeks at my in-laws holiday home, the cousins are always around and it is generally lovely. We live close to DHs brother and his wife, their daughter is 9 and goes to the same school as our DD. For years they were very close, but over the last year or so they have drifted.
Tonight DD and I were in her room together and she opened up to me and got quite upset. She told me didn’t want to go to her grandparents this summer. When I asked why she was hesitant to answer, then eventually said she doesn’t like her cousin. I asked more and I think DD is a bit jealous of her cousin.

For context my niece is an only child and very clearly her parents primary focus in life, she has expensive private tennis lessons, the best ballet school in our city, however she is just also talented for her age, she’s a very good piano player, a very pretty singer, and a bit fearless. She is a competitive child, but she is kind and very sweet so I don’t think there are any issues in the sense of bullying, rather DD just feels a bit jealous of the attention her cousin gets (she is also the youngest grandchild).

DD is of course also very talented but maybe in ways that are less rewarded, she doesn’t love sports or music or art, but loves maths, geography, learning new things, is fascinated by history and enjoys reading. She is also very kind, a friend to all and loves helping her grandparents.

DD is also a bit sensitive as although she is over a year older than her cousin, her cousin is noticeably taller than her so she feels she gets viewed as the “baby”. I think there is also a wound as my son has on occasion said he would prefer his cousin were his sister. I’ve told him off for saying this. I think for DS it’s because he has more in common with his cousin, his cousin is more willing to kick a ball around with him, climb a tree or race him up and down the drive way. He and DD get on perfectly well when it’s just them.

I tried to reassure DD that she has many many qualities, is smart, funny, kind, that her grandparents love her dearly and she would be very very missed if she didn’t go.

AIBU to still send her? She is now old enough where we don’t need the child care per se, she could occupy herself while I work from home but I think it would be so sad for her to miss out and I know DS will want to go.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

I would still send her but have a chat with her grandparents about it, they sound super involved and I'm sure they'll have the experience to be able to smooth over bumpy moments once they know about it. It's hard to let kids feel upset but it's part of life and fixing problems is better than avoiding them

Why would you send her when she doesn’t want to go? Are you not just saying her feelings aren’t valid? She might be a bit jealous and that’s ok her feelings are her feelings but don’t send her somewhere she feels inferior focus on building her confidence up

I guess I worry she would regret not going more. If her feeling is that everyone is more impressed by her cousin and her brother would rather be with her cousin than her, then I worry not going would only make her feel more left out, then the rest of the year every Sunday lunch and family gathering would be cousins talking about things she wasn’t part of.

I don’t want to undermine her feelings and it makes me so sad that DD feels this way as she is a wonderful little girl who adds so much to our family, and I do understand how difficult childhood can be when you reach the age of comparison and realise some skills/hobbies are more publicly rewarded than others, even if the inherent value of each is the same.

@tinkercats Send her. She can't be sheltered from other succesful/beautiful people all her life. If cousin is nice it's just a selfesteem issue. Talk to PIL and ask them to boost her confidence by complementing her on skills she has that the cousin hasn't so that she feels valued as well.

@tinkercats i personally think she has been really brave telling you and i wouldn’t undermine her feelings. I’d ask if she is sure and let her not go for this summer if she is sure. She might want to go next summer or the older she gets may just want to be at home and has outgrown it

Somerimes backing up a child's wishes helps to empwer them more that they don't have to put up with situations they don't like .

It sounds like she has been loads she knows what's she's missing and she's old enough to choose and you don't need child care.

Id offer her the options and don't force her and let her choose. That will be very powerful backing there that you have her back and even may strangely encourage her to go!

@tinkercats point that out to her also where do they live the GP ??

What did she actually say when you spoke to her?
I'm less inclined to say send her anyway, she clearly spends a lot of time in her cousin's orbit - living nearby and sharing a school- and it sounds like her self esteem is taking a battering, which I think ought to be handled really sensitively.

Her cousin, as lovely as she is, sounds like a dominant personality who others gravitate to, maybe your daughter is feeling left out and overshadowed? A little space wouldn't because bad idea.

There might be a compromise too as to how much time she spends at her grandparents, or when she goes - maybe so she gets sometime with them without her cousins around for example

The holiday home is in the south of France, so not easy for popping back and forth. Generally one of the 6 parents flies out with all the children then we all gather for the last few days to bring the children back.

I’ll have a chat with DD, I certainly won’t make her go if she really doesn’t want to!
I do think my niece gets the most compliments but not necessarily the most attention, I don’t think DD thinks her grandparents prefer her cousin, but rather the other children do. DD is much happier pottering about in the garden with my mother in law, niece disappears off to climb a tree or play tennis with my son and the other older children, but gets lots of compliments when she is around, as she will play the piano, or sing for everyone or just be praised for being so grown up etc.

I can see why this is a tough one - but honestly, I think there is a real risk that feelings compound and become worse if she goes.

I'd probably not make a snap decision and give her a little time to think it through. But I'd list pros and cons - well if you don't go - you might feel left out, it's going to be pretty boring at home etc

I'd give her the choice but I'd also give her the time to mull it over.

Looking more at a compromise style approach - Is the place in the UK? Could you also take her for the first few days - say over a weekend with the option to bring her back? Or maybe take her half way through?

Also I don't think your son needs a telling off as much as he needs a proper conversation about how hurtful his words are. Have him imagine how he might feel if his little sister said she'd prefer to have a different brother. Have him try to put himself in her shoes right now.

I imagine that was incredibly hurtful for her.

It does sound to me like she's feeling overshadowed and left out and that her self esteem is suffering. Especially with her brother making comments like he does! It's hard for children and young people to articulate it so can sound like jealousy.

Might be worth a chat with her grandparents as well, if she goes they could step in and help her be more included.

Its an age when children start to notice differences in talent/wealth etc, she will probably have similar feelings with friends as she gets older, but it's probably more intense with her cousin.

My best friend has two daughters of a similar age to my DD, they were double income on management salaries, and I was a single mum. The girls spent a lot of time together growing up, and about age 9/10, DD would come home saying they had iPads, xboxes etc and we only had a PC! (This was early 2010s), and they were far more academically advanced but their daughters picked up that DD was very good at sports.

I would send her if she still enjoys time with other family/GPs and it is feasible for her to come home if shit hits the fan. It is a good lesson that she has to cope with people who on paper appear to be more successful. But maybe there is more to this, and that the girls are growing out of each other?

Do you or your DH not stay with your children, then?

I would be looking past this and wondering if there is another reason your DD doesnt want to go. Is there any other evidence that she really doesnt want to share space with her cousin - e.g. what are they like together the rest of the year? - Your DD is old enough to latch onto this as an excuse when there is actually another reason.

No, their school has 8 weeks of summer holiday, so the 3/4 weeks with grandparents has always helped with childcare and we often join for a weekend when we can, then the last week is the whole family.

The rest of the year is fine, we have dinner at the in laws every Sunday and she doesn’t seem bothered then, nieces nanny picks DD up and takes her to school most days so they are together a lot.

I wouldn’t be sending her away for 3/4 weeks if she didn’t want to go.

could there be also other reasons that shes not telling you

Talk to dd about options like - if going for a shorter period of time would help. So she could fly out with everyone and she could come home early.

I think I’d be more inclined to do what I could to make the situation better, rather than removing her from it altogether.

It's a really tricky one op, and an interesting thread for a parenting forum, as I think knowing when and how to validate dc's feelings while still teaching them to cope with life's challenges is one of the hardest parts of parenting.

We have all seen the damage in previous generations that not hearing children's concerns and requiring them to just toughen up can cause. Yet, it is one of our duties as a parent to support them to find a way of facing challenges, so I think that I agree with @JMSA that I would see if there is a way to support her through this rather than avoid the situation entirely.

I think she has shown huge maturity and self-knowledge to identify these feelings and express them to you. Her brother's words were a very bitter pill for her and I am glad you know about them so you can address it. In that context I think her jealousy is very understandable, but it is, nonetheless, an emotion she will need to handle and process appropriately throughout life, and just avoiding people she feels jealous of won't be feasible (or would lead to a very stunted sort of life.) I realise this is harder as it is a family situation - a place where we should feel our most confident and accepted.

The other side of the coin is that it is useful to teach dc that they don't have an obligation to endure situations where there is a viable way out, and perhaps knowing when the situation is one that need not be endured and making an alternative path where we can is the key to life!

Is there any chance at all you could be the parent who flies out with the dc and stay a couple of days, with the option of her returning with you if she still feels it is not a situation she wants to be in?

Dear mumsnet

Every year I go on a family holiday that leaves me feeling bad about myself. My family isn’t doing anything wrong, but something about the trip just saps the energy from me. I’m dreading booking next year. Should I just go or should I strike out solo?

signed
Thinking an adult’s feelings would be better respected

@Calliopespa has very good advice.

This is a great idea!

If this were my daughter, my concern would be what she would do all day sitting at home during the weeks her cousins and her brother would be having a great time in France. For me, a less than perfect few weeks in the French countryside with her grandparents would easily beat a summer of Netflix, screens and boredom back at home.

Whatever happens, you need to have a chat with the grandparents. And if you could fly out with the group, or even bring just DD on your own a few days after all the others go, that could help immensely.

This is a really interesting way of framing the issue and was sort of what I was getting at in terms of there being little merit in training our dc that they have to be suckers for punishment.

On the other hand, given this is a family situation with a certain degree or inherent inevitability (and much to be lost by just avoiding the situation) is it more:

Dear Mumsnet,

I have a great career, but work in an office with someone who has a tendency to outshine me on some, but not all, metrics. This makes me feel really challenged by the situation. I would also be really disappointed if she gets the promotion we are both in line for. So, although I do have a lot to gain from the job and a lot to lose by not sticking around, should I just move elsewhere? I did this at my last job as well, so worry at what point I will find somewhere without these annoyingly bright stars.

Signed,
Thinking every challenging feeling needs to be avoided not confronted

I genuinely don't have a clear view and can see both sides.

It is interesting to debate what factors make removing yourself from a situation that has negative aspects justifiable. Obviously bullying or ill health are issues parents need to step in and manage by ensuring the child is not left in that situation. And here there seems to be neither. On the other hand our understanding of physical and mental health now bleed into each other more than they once did. What builds a resilient human? Learning to meet every unpleasant situation head on, or learning that we owe it to ourselves to reserve our energy for situations that really cannot be sensibly avoided.