AIBU?

[MumOf2Here]

I guess i’ll jump straight in.
AIBU to react this way?

My husband booked a weekend away for my birthday and a spa treatment.
They had a good offer on, so he also booked himself in too. Which i didnt mind at all and we had planned a dinner in the evening.

We are both quite conservative and come from a fairly religious background.
When we booked the treatment he requested a male masseuse for himself. I would never really see a male therapist and he would never see a female therapist.
On arrival we had the treatment, he went first.
The masseuse on my turn asked if i was with my husband to which i replied yes. she responded “i think i just did his massage before yours he looks like x y z and you make a beautiful couple” etc
She was the only massage therapist there that morning.

I was abit taken aback with the whole male/female booking thing.
When we got back to the room he asked how my massage was i said fine, yours? he said fine. I asked did they manage to get your male masseuse to which he replied yes.

I confronted him and he denied it at first until he realised she was the only therapist available tht morning.
He said something had gotten lost in translation and they didnt get the male masseuse and he just ended up going along with it.

He deflected and said your the one who said u kept wanting a spa treatment. next time book it urself.
So the blame shifting had started and he tried to put it on me.

I was upset and taken aback his inability to understand that he lied and then got caught and then lied saying oh the towel was on anyway. and then shifting to blaming it in me somehow.

Im actually really upset by the whole thing. Even if it is just a “massage” like my sister and friend have said.

I came out of a abusive and controlling relationship in the past and this feeling just triggered me somehow.

AIBU? please be kind and honest xx

I don't think either of you should be "enforcing" anything on the other. You should both decide for yourselves what does and doesn't make you feel comfortable.

Also, I don't see what religion has to do with it. I had a religious upbringing and believe in God. I don't recall any part of the scriptures that forbids massages delivered by members of the opposite sex.

Not true.
Even the most honest of us are capable of telling a lie to keep the peace or avoid hurting someone they love.

I totally disagree with this. Just because you are prepared to lie you are assuming other people must also be liars. I think it's especially important in a relationship not to lie because, as in this case, when the liar is caught out, it totally destroys trust.

You have jumped to the ridiculous conclusion - without evidence - that he has been sneaking around getting massages from women behind his wife's back.
This is pure fiction. My point was that because he lied about the Masseuse on this occasion there is now absolutely no reason for OP to know whether he has had massages from females previously because OP can no longer be trust anything he says.

Why do you assume a complete stranger must have the most base and dishonest motives?
He lied! He is dishonest ! I have no idea what his motives were. And neither do you or any one else. Because none of us are party to his thoughts. We just know he lied. His motives don't matter really.

made the mistake of telling a small lie
Lies aren't small. They reveal a person's character. Why ars you bending over backwards to minimise his behaviour. Do you not realise it's not the massage that's important here? It's his dishonesty to his wife.

No one has to lie 🙄 grow up

It's clearly an unhealthy relationship for them both to behave this way.

I'm fully grown, thank you and don't lie to or set up my husband. Of course no-one has to lie, but lies can be felt necessary in the moment if feeling in a vulnerable situation - like being set up.

He sounds a bit like my bil, can’t stand the thought of a man touching “his woman” be it massage, hair cuts, nails and hides his jealously behind religion and culture and despite saying he’ll have these boundaries for himself, he’d never allow a man to massage him.

I think that’s where OP is coming from, not that she thinks the masseuse would be all over him but that if OP had a male and didn’t decline the massage, he’d be angry.

I’m guessing you are Muslims. I would never dream of having a male massage me and my husband would not have a female. It’s just not how we do things so I don’t blame you for being angry.

Does the Coran equal massage as sex? Because otherwise I don't understand the problem

It doesn’t state massage itself but it is a sin to touch the skin of a person that isn’t lawful to you with the exception of medical reasons. Most practising Muslim men or women would not have treatments from the opposite sex although I know a lot of the younger generation are less strict on these things.