AIBU?

[MumOf2Here]

I guess i’ll jump straight in.
AIBU to react this way?

My husband booked a weekend away for my birthday and a spa treatment.
They had a good offer on, so he also booked himself in too. Which i didnt mind at all and we had planned a dinner in the evening.

We are both quite conservative and come from a fairly religious background.
When we booked the treatment he requested a male masseuse for himself. I would never really see a male therapist and he would never see a female therapist.
On arrival we had the treatment, he went first.
The masseuse on my turn asked if i was with my husband to which i replied yes. she responded “i think i just did his massage before yours he looks like x y z and you make a beautiful couple” etc
She was the only massage therapist there that morning.

I was abit taken aback with the whole male/female booking thing.
When we got back to the room he asked how my massage was i said fine, yours? he said fine. I asked did they manage to get your male masseuse to which he replied yes.

I confronted him and he denied it at first until he realised she was the only therapist available tht morning.
He said something had gotten lost in translation and they didnt get the male masseuse and he just ended up going along with it.

He deflected and said your the one who said u kept wanting a spa treatment. next time book it urself.
So the blame shifting had started and he tried to put it on me.

I was upset and taken aback his inability to understand that he lied and then got caught and then lied saying oh the towel was on anyway. and then shifting to blaming it in me somehow.

Im actually really upset by the whole thing. Even if it is just a “massage” like my sister and friend have said.

I came out of a abusive and controlling relationship in the past and this feeling just triggered me somehow.

AIBU? please be kind and honest xx

“When we got back to the room he asked how my massage was i said fine, yours? he said fine. I asked did they manage to get your male masseuse to which he replied yes.
I confronted him and he denied it at first until he realised she was the only therapist available tht morning.”

YABU because you actively tried to catch him out in a lie.

if this had been me and my husband it would’ve gone like this:

Me: I hear it was a woman in the end?
Him: Yeah, so embarrassing! 😳 The man isn’t in today.
Me: 😂

Its this. He lied and im upset about that.
And he lied about a boundary he enforced and then crossed.

I didnt go out my way to “find out” the therapist told me herself i wouldn’t have even dug around if it wasnt for her saying that.
But yeah thanks for taking thr time to reply appreciate it xx

You're blaming him for 'enforcing' something that you readily and happily accepted due to being 'conservative and religious'.

So whoever's idea it was is pretty irrelevant.

Interesting that as you’ve been in a controlling relationship yourself you can’t seem to see the way you’re behaving here isn’t okay either?

YABU.

He is a liar and a hypocrite. I bet he would not have been happy with you having a male masseur at all.

thanks for the reply. I agree somewhat but if your partner created a boundary for u both and ddnt enforce it himself and then lied about it. How would you feel?

he said so himself today that he wouldn’t have been happy if it was me. But somehow its fine if its him

Hi thanks for reply. Im not controlling him. He enforced a rule an then didn’t follow it. Thats irrespective of what the subject matter was, a lie is a lie.

I'm sorry so many posters are fundamentally not understanding your culture OP. FWIW I think YANBU because a) this is part of your faith and b) he lied to you and really doubled down. I would struggle to trust him after that.

Thank u for this xx

You think trying to catch him in a lie is healthy relationship communication?

Would he have lied if you'd said "Jane said she'd treated you before she treated me. Is that right?"

Instead you put him in a position where he maybe felt he had to lie.

I don't know your relationship, but on the face of it, I can see why he lied when you have so little trust between you.

I’d say you’re overreacting the whole male/female massage thing, they’re professionals. But he’s a twat for lying and trying to twist it to be your fault.

She did not put him in a position where he had to lie at all ffs. Why always these pathetic excuses for men.

What exactly is the problem here, that he had a massage from a female or that he lied? If it's the lie then YANBU because lying is never a good thing, if it's that he had a female masseuse then YABU, he asked for a male, one wasn't available, that's not his fault, he didn't want to make a fuss and should he go without his massage? Was it his decision to request a male or did you ask him to do that? Did he lie because he knew you'd overreact over a female masseuse?

You know his feelings?

Right, I can see why you would be pissed off. He has a major issue with you being seen by a male masseuse, so he pretends it is a joint boundary to control your decision about your own body, when he is fine with a female masseuse. He was caught out so lied to cover up.

But YABU still, well before the trip, to take seriously/accept his unreasonable boundary on your body in the first place. I doubt this is the only problem you will have with this man.

I used to have one like that. When he was unfaithful, I naively asked him: what was the point of those wedding vows then? His answer: to make sure you would be faithful to me.

I do not think you can blindly trust your OH to keep the rules that he expects you to live by.

yeah i shouldnt have tried to catch him
out. It was more trying to get him to admit it himself but he didnt.

This is ridiculous. It's a massage ffs. He was there with you!

What were you trying to 'catch him out' for? Doing literally nothing wrong?

That's pathetic, playing games like that. Most of us grow out of that behaviour at about 20. I don't blame him for lying if this is the bullshit he gets.

My massage therapist is a man. I see him every month. Sometimes, while he's massaging me, I have a good chat with his wife who works in the next room. They're professionals providing a service. Get a grip!

I’m not religious and the gender of the therapist would make no difference to me. However if he is imposing this rule on you then I would expect him to follow the same, and you YANBU.

Don't see any problem in a person or either sex doing the job (obviously if a client really doesn't want someone of the opposite sex doing it, that's up to them). Ideally he shouldn't lie, but if I knew my husband would have got mad at me in a situation like this, maybe I wouldn't have dared tell the truth. Not that I think it's right that a spouse feels scared to say something.

we both did; then he decided not to.

I agree but when ur spouse forbids something as a mutual condition and then doesnt fulfil om his side, then?

Basically people are either truthful and would never lie or they are liars and can't be trusted to be honest.

Not true.

Even the most honest of us are capable of telling a lie to keep the peace or avoid hurting someone they love.

You have jumped to the ridiculous conclusion - without evidence - that he has been sneaking around getting massages from women behind his wife's back. He had a massage from a professional in a respectable and professional setting, not some sleazy sex club.

Why do you assume a complete stranger must have the most base and dishonest motives? Such a assumption doesn't reflect well on you and what motivates you.

Mumof2Here's husband arranged what should have been a pleasant treat for them to celebrate her birthday and made the mistake of telling a small lie to avoid upsetting her and spoiling their day.

I don't think you have anything to worry about Mumof2Here, your husband sounds like a kind and thoughtful man and was probably mortified to find himself in such an awkward position. It seems he mistakenly thought a small lie would save your feelings.

I hope you both managed to enjoy your weekend despite this setback.