Poor soul having to manage his own childcare...

[Diamondcushions]

I know IAB and I'm sure his current situation is difficult and painful, but in the last week I've been in two meetings with a very senjor man who manages a large workforce, and who is going through a separation. They've gone for 50/50 and there are soooo many things he can't possibly do, that he used to do, because childcare.

It's like watching a cartoon lightbulb moment.

I am genuinely glad that you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

I think you’re reaching. Circumstantial evidence suggests otherwise.

I work (in a shift working job) with a woman who has a shift working husband and 3 children. She is an amazing parent and moved heaven and earth to make it work with the kids and the complexity of their shifts even when they had an awful lots going on.

We work with a man who told her she shouldn’t be working shifts with children because clearly she couldn’t cope because occasionally she would swap shifts and that he felt that really she should be doing a non shift job like his wife (who had taken a pay cut and moved jobs when they had kids to facilitate his complex work life)

He is now separated and calls in sick to his shifts all the time because of childcare issues and I think has now realised how hard she worked to make it happen because her job was important to her and that she almost NEVER called in sick because she made plan a,b and c and that part of being a parent was sorting this shit out and that yes it was difficult!

I'm sorry you went through that. I am also not gloating, I think you are projecting your own issues. Nor am I being smug before you move onto that line of attack, I am being factual about my own experiences. I was referring to an inital post about 'men only wanting 50:50 so they didnt have to pay cms' which is ridiculous. And subsequent posts saying 'how all men are shit and maybe one or two are not' - also ridiculous. This has taken quite a nosedive into domestic abuse which is quite a separate issue altogether. And typically vulnerable women are the most likely to fall into these types of relationships, sadly.

2nd that.

I didnt call you smug, but someone else did. What does that tell you?

And as I said, I am genuinely glad that you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about when you say "dont marry shit men!"

My Cambridge grad friend divorced her £million earning Oxford grad dreamy buff bodied bloke who went totally crazy when the kids came along. He was no longer the only focus. On paper he’s perfect. In life even the kids are realising he’s a bit of a cunt…. Oh he only ever puts them first blah blah.

Not all men show their hand.

Surely the point is,he is telling people he can’t put the effort in because he now has children to look after whilst expecting to continue in the same role with the same kudos.
Whereas a female member of staff with the same request would be actively ( stealthily) managed out or at least thought less of.
This man is somehow being lauded for doing what ( not doing) just what a woman would be expected to do.

Wow you’ve said vulnerable women go into these relationships what a crock of shit you’re spouting.

Yes, perfectly put, PyongyangKipperbang.

And back to the original post, surely the point is mainly not what their household arrangements were for childcare and domestic tasks before the divorce, but how he treated staff who did have commitments which meant they had to leave on the dot for pickups, or take last minute leave for ill dependants. Cmon we’ve all (mostly) been there with the subtle eye rolls, intakes of breath… hopefully now the boot’s on the other foot he’ll realise. But it’s quite infuriating. Another poster said their previously oblivious mgr apologised after having kids. But honestly, too little too late!!there’s a reason women earn so much less than men… unpaid, under appreciated care work… grrrr

Except it means nothing of the sort. Even if he was splitting childcare and household jobs 50/50 while in a couple he’s now doing 100% of it on the days he has the children - as every single parent (even if only for half a week must do). It’s not very difficult maths. And implying otherwise doesn’t just mock fathers (good or useless) it puts down every single parent out there.
An imbecilic view and a thoroughly nasty comment.

Forgot to mention I agree with OP diddums for him having to organise childcare since he’s separated from his ex cos it shows he had no clues what his actual wife did on the daily.

It tells me that many women on mumsnet are bitter about their own life choices and cannot stand it when another woman has done well for themselves or chosen well and happily expresses it.

Well it's absolutely true.

What a spiteful post.

Yikes, I hope you’re just lashing out there as that’s pretty dark.

Ooh do tell us about your brilliant life choices pls so we can reflect on how we all went wrong? An AMA would be cracking thanks.

Awful! Are you saying that oxbridge degrees are golden tickets to finding kind well adjusted men? I have an oxbridge degree, as does my husband. I don't think this it what it means though. There are crap men in all walks of life but also good ones. However, I am certain that in most cases, the signs were always there.

Are you saying that oxbridge degrees are golden tickets to finding kind well adjusted men?

She's clearly saying they're not, having given an example to the contrary, and I do have to wonder what kind of Oxbridge graduate could misread it so spectacularly... while lecturing people on spotting the far more covert signs of future behaviour in unknown circumstances. You can see the future but you couldn't follow that simple post?

Of course I’m not, but I’m suggesting that intellect doesn’t always save you, which I felt your previous post rather hinted at.

I’m not sure I can hold such a view that ‘the signs were always there’ feels rather victim blaming to me. I’m sure sometimes that’s true, but I’m almost certain that what is bad behaviour for one person can become catastrophic for someone else and so it’s not always true to say this and might feed the narrative that these women are at fault rather than the men.

Hahaha! Have you heard of sarcasm? I was probing to find out the relevance of her reference to their various degrees and money with respect to finding a decent partner?

No it ain’t

@Unusualsuspects ” might feed the narrative that these women are at fault rather than the men” - no might about it - I think this is very much what the lovely Bluehouse wants to say…

Face saving attempts work better without blobby word salad. It looks too try hard. You'll know for next time.

I am not reaching. Just saying there is no information in OP’s post one way or another.
As I said - if my husband and I divorced and went 50:50 we would both need to make adjustments to our work to factor in childcare.

Not sure what the circumstantial evidence is that you are referring to.